What If Your “Different” Is The Whole Point

IT's Therapy Thursday!

You ever catch yourself studying someone else’s life like it’s a map, then feeling behind when your path doesn’t match theirs? We go straight at that pressure and tell the truth: you can learn from other people without trying to copy their journey. Mom and I start with a small moment that turns into a big reset, standing in the kitchen and realizing the present moment can be enough, even when life is loud.

From there we pull lessons from everyday stories and the internet, including a creator who went viral with a goose named Ducktavious and a man whose terrifying, laced experience pushed him toward faith and a new direction. Both stories point to the same takeaway: what looks like “overnight success” or “sudden transformation” usually has a deeper backstory, and your healing journey will never be a carbon copy of someone else’s. We talk mindset, discipline, resilience, and why trusting your gut matters more than chasing somebody’s formula.

We also get real about family, parenting, and boundaries. We share how feeling misunderstood can shape a child into an adult who over-explains, people-pleases, or fights to be seen, and how parenting changes when you lead with curiosity and ask for the why. If you’ve been navigating school stress, co-parenting pain, divorce recovery, or just trying to be a better parent and a better you, this conversation is for you.

If this hit home, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs encouragement, and leave a review so more people can find Essential Mental Healing.

Transcript

Welcome And Quick Ways To Support

Candace Patrice 0:04

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Essential Mental Healing, where I am your host, Candace Patrice, and joining me is my lovely co-host, my mother, Janet Hale. Hi, mommy.

Janet Hale 0:18

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Candace Patrice 0:21

Okay, guys. So we have been talking for two and a half hours at this point by accident. It's what we do. But like, subscribe, follow essentialmotivation.com, Instagram, Campus Patrice Motivates. Um, all of the things, send us emails. If something you want to hear, I'm doing it early. I'm getting it out the way. Love you guys. Thank you to our listeners. Okay. So let's jump in, ma'am. Well, first of all, how you doing? How's the weekend? How's the weather? How's your being?

Finding Enough In A Simple Moment

Janet Hale 1:00

I am doing okay, Miss Candace. Um, my weekend, it was, you know, it's good. It's really good. It's it's it's good. I wanted to share this, and we I didn't share this while we were talking for two and a half hours or two hours. But um, I was standing in um my kitchen today, and I um was making me avocado toast, because you know, I'll be getting down like that, you know. And I was standing in the kitchen, and I got some things in the floor I need to take out. I took some things out of my car because I had to move some things for work and I need to put them back. But um I was standing in the kitchen, and for a moment I felt like what my grandmother must be. What does that mean? I'm gonna tell you. There was a point, you know. I remember grandma at some point she was just so laid back about life. Like, life is real serious, grandma. Where are you at? So when I was standing in the kitchen and I was making my toast, and I thought to myself, this is enough right now. This moment is enough right now. I don't need I, you know, like I don't need any fluff or anything right now, and just being totally in the moment and watching how grandma used to move through life, right? So grandma was always kind of sitting back, and you know, we're all running around trying to get a man, keep a man, get a job, go to school, you know, all the things that we do when we're in our 20s. And um, and she would just sit back and just kind of just coast through life. And I get that. And I don't, you know, I want to have more days like that.

Candace Patrice 2:38

Remember, I was sharing with you yesterday, I had a discovery call with one of our guests, and we were talking about choices and how we have a choice in our life to make these decisions, and it sounds like you're making a choice. And I get to make that choice earlier in life because I know I have a choice to kind of relax.

Janet Hale 3:04

That's right.

Candace Patrice 3:05

I mean, I don't do it well all the time, but I just said I don't do it well all the time.

Janet Hale 3:12

Are you relaxing though?

Candace Patrice 3:14

I slept the other day.

Janet Hale 3:17

Yeah, yeah.

Candace Patrice 3:18

And then I went and got me a coffee, a large coffee.

Janet Hale 3:22

Yeah, that was a funny.

Cats As Comfort And Connection

Candace Patrice 3:23

And then I I was on the phone with her. I saw my kitty cat outside. My my grandma's grand kitty cat. Because when Kamari hears this in the future, she's gonna be like, uh-uh, I know she ain't said I was her cat.

Janet Hale 3:39

No, that's Kamari's babies. I'm so glad I'm glad that Kamari have um those cats to care for, to take care of, and to be responsible.

Candace Patrice 3:51

Yeah, I'm glad she got them too, but I'm more glad I I get to be there, Grandma, because those my little emotional. I was thinking last night. Okay, oh, oh my gosh. So remember you asked me, you told me that cats pick their owner, right? Well, last night we were sleeping, so Kamario has kicked the cats out in the bed because we sleep in the same bed. And I let the cats in when she fell asleep, right? Because I like sleep with the cats. Mom, but every time she moved, the cat would go up to her, like, is she up yet? And and just lay on her. I was like, I took pictures, I'll send them to you. But I was like, I don't know, I just love them though. They're my little support. Oh, and Marco, so oh my god, he did the cutest thing. He laid, so my arm was out. He laid on my arm, like literally laid his body like he was cuddling, and put his paw on my arm so we could touch. I said, Oh my god, this is my emotional so poor animal.

Janet Hale 4:56

Because they are, they really yeah, it just makes when you talk about that, how connection is so important.

Why You Cannot Copy A Journey

Marriage Motherhood And Outside Pressure

Candace Patrice 5:05

Like, if you don't have an animal, well, I don't know. I think I got lucky. I can't speak for everybody because I don't think these cats are normal. Like, one is a dog, one is a cat, but they both they both um identify. No, they're both cats, but one identifies as a dog, you know, because his baby loved me. Rud love doing all the things that are not cat-like. That's my baby dog. I mean my grandbaby loves these kitty cats. Okay, so we have been talking about what our topic would be today, and I had landed on the journey less traveled, which we realized was actually very traveled, which is what mom told me. And so we talked about our unique experiences on the road that is traveled. Um I was sharing how I saw a video of a guy on Instagram who was laced with his something that he consumed was laced, whether it was in his drink, whether it was something he smoked with somebody, he wasn't sure. He ended up in a hospital and he had a lot of paranoia. And so in in the hospital, he's just like, he's like, he said, in his mind, he just thought people wanted to kill him. So he was like, I'm going out like a G, I'm fighting. You know, he's going for they said he put him in a mental institution and everything. Um, but at the end of the journey, after he became lucid, he gives glory to God for what happened for him. And his journey now is about way more about spreading the word of Jesus Christ and what that is. But he made a statement in his video that said, had that not happened to me, and I, and I, or had I died in that situation, he feels like he would have gone to hell. But because he got another opportunity, he changed the direction. And so when I was saying, you know, the role, the journey less traveled, I was thinking about how we have different experiences that lead us to our healing, whatever that looks like or leads us to our financial success. You know, we hear people tell us their ways that things happened, the way they did things, but at the end of the day, it's different. We have different journeys. Just like um before we record it, we were talking earlier. People give advice on different things. And it's rather it's relationship advice, financial advice. I don't know why I just keep going to relationship and finance, spiritual advice, and everybody's looking for the answer. And it's like we go to books and we go to different people's social medias, we're looking at how they do it, what their what their way is, and trying to replicate it, but we can't replicate someone else's journey. I think that's where where I want to kind of talk about today, trusting our own selves. The other one um I was sharing with you about the guy who had the duck. So his name on Instagram is Rashad the Wanderer. Um, and he got a lot of fame from posting about a duck named Ductavious. And so there was a post he made one recently about how people talk about, I can't believe you blew up off of a duck. And his thing is, it wasn't the duck that blew me up. It was what I did prior to posting about the duck that blew him up. He had been doing a lot of research on content creating and uh algorithms and things, so that when Ductavius showed up, the duck, and he posted about him, um, and his journey of saving the duck and um growing the duck, and we watched him. Actually, the duck was a goose. Ductavius is actually a goose. Which is, and so the original Ductavius had to be released into the wild because you can't keep a goose captive. Um, but he showed us this whole journey of how he lives out on land. He has a trailer that he lives in, and he talks about how he pays$200 a month for it, and it's water underneath, so he gets to tap into the water. You know, his journey is just very different. But let's say somebody else, oh man, I want to go and do that. So they go and do exactly what he did, but don't have the same success that he has because their journeys are different. And I think it's it's just really important that we really, I guess, follow our guts, listen to ourselves. It's okay. I think studying other people is good because you do get to see, okay, it's about those go always go back to principles to me. What is the principle that we're learning here? Is it um discipline? Is it uh what's the word when you just keep going? I don't know. But of the principles, you guys know what I'm trying to say. It's these principles that we that we have to live by that are the same, but the way our outcomes are so different.

Family Stories That Reveal Your DNA

Janet Hale 10:15

I think about when I'm I'm listening to you and I'm thinking about us, you and I, our relationship, right? And um how you and I trusting the process of um how we're how we're developing. And even in the times that it's kind of wobbly, we keep moving forward, right? And then learning different ways to communicate to one another. Learning, um, I know the last, I think it was the last podcast that you and I did together, and we were talking about, excuse me, how, or I was talking about how um, or it might not have been a podcast, but how there were things that you were dealing with that I was not aware of, right? And how I was taking so many things personal when it wasn't personal against me at all. That you know, you're finding whatever journey it is that you, you know, whatever it is you need to do to get to where you need to go, um, and learning to be respectful of other people's journeys, whatever that journey is, right? So, like the guy with the duck duck goose situation, you know what I mean? Like that's his journey. Yeah. Um, my my journey and um having children, my journey and being married twice, my journey um and being single at 62, my journey and getting back to the workforce. I mean, you know, all those things, right? But it's my personal thing. Now, other women have probably gone through the same thing many times. But my personal journey is whatever that is, and I recognize, and I've shared this with you before, that when I think about my journey and what it was that I initially wanted in my life, and that was to have a connection with someone to live my life with. You know? You know, like that was always my thing. Like, to do that, and then when I became a mother, that was real important to me. To be a mom. Like, what the hell? I wanted that. And I can remember when I got sidetracked from that though. Because I let me I'm about to tell you. Okay. What you mean? What you say? What that means. Well, I let outside things get me caught up in oh God, in order to be a good mother, I need to go back to school. In order to be a good mother, I need to have degrees. In order to be a good mother, I need to have a certain job. In order to be a good mother, I need to drive a certain car. In order, just all those things, right? And I'm like, Jesus, I was hitting, missing all kinds of things. Because at the end of the day, to be a good mother is to be present. That's to be a good mother. And then the good mother to myself, because I have to parent the Janet that needs to be that needs parenting. Now, I had a conversation with one of my cousins today that I told you about earlier, and she brought up something when we were younger. She's like, girl, we grew up in the house and with our cousins, we doing all our things. I know I'm going all off topic, but anyway, we were doing all our, we were just, you know, she's talking about we grew up with da-da-da-day and all this stuff. And she said, I remember you used to give your mother a hard time, and I did. And I did. And I did. And I thought about because you know, I'd be getting all, you know, I have a thing with my granddaughter. Give me a break. And I'm like, oh, was that any different? I was not. I was a little monster. Oh my god. When my cousin brought that to life, you know, when people know you and they and she wasn't even being it doing it to be messy. Yeah, nothing like that. Yeah, just having a conversation. And I thought, ooh, I remember. Oh, I used to be, and and this there's a story, you guys. So anybody's listening, okay. So I was on the phone, and um, my first uh husband was my teenage boyfriend. And so we were talking back then. We didn't know. Okay, you get it, you get it. And so I was on the phone, right? And so I'm on the phone, I'm talking to him. I don't know if he was saying, girl, you cute. Well, I don't know what he was saying. I was like, You cute too. And so mama was like telling us to get off the phone, but you know, I'm thinking I'm clever, I'm bigger than the program. Right, right. So I'm talking on the phone to him, and mama said, get off that phone. And I'm on because I'm like, and she came in that room. You know, mama gave a certain look. You'd be like, mm-hmm. So I knew this could be an embarrassing moment. Right. So I took the phone and I put it now. Understand there are wires, like there was no wireless anything. So understand the whole wire situation, all the things that are happening in this moment. So I put it. And no mute button. No, no, no mute button. So I put the phone to my bosom, well, however big they were at that age. And I said, Mama, something's gonna give either me or you. My mother said, bitch, I'm gonna give you something, all right. And I was like, oh my God. She went to be, and so my cousin mentioned that today. She said she was in the room when that happened. I didn't know. What? Yeah. She said, Chad, I was in the room when that. So I had a tendency to say things like, oh, oh, let me give you the backstory on that. Because I loved old movies, black and white movies. My Uncle Tom, he got us into that organ. I loved it because of him. And um, there was a movie, I don't know remember what movie it was. I can't find this particular saying or this part in the movie, but she was talking to her, I thought it was Mildred Pierce, I can't remember. But she was talking to her mother, and she was like, Mother, now remember there's music and the lighting is beautiful. And so she says to her mother, Mother, something's got to give either me or you. So, you know, mama came in the room and I'm like, listen. Wait, how did it go in the movie? Oh, okay, darling. We're gonna talk. I don't know how that went.

Candace Patrice 16:35

But enough for you to think it was gonna play out the way it did in the movie. Right, okay.

Janet Hale 16:39

So uh I think I pulled that on mama. Mama said, Oh, mama gave me the blues. But it took me back to that was my personality. That truly was my person. I would challenge things. So it's your DNA. It is, and that's why I can't. Sometimes that little girl be rubbing me the wrong way. I'd be like, uh, but when I think about it, I'm like, mmm, I get it. Uh, because what was what's innately in me is in me, and no one can change it. And that's always been a part of me, right?

Candace Patrice 17:16

And so and people tried to make it a problem for you. That that was a problem.

Janet Hale 17:22

Oh, period.

Candace Patrice 17:24

You said, fuck y'all, I'm not a pro.

Janet Hale 17:26

And I did, and I did, and I did. And then I think, but wait, so Brandon came along, and he was just like me. Oh my god, he did his thing his way. He did not care about and I'm so when I go back to my, and this is I just think this is so cool. When we get older, let's not forget who we are, not who we used to be, but who we are. Because I recognize too, like when I say something, I really want y'all to get what I'm saying. And if people don't get it, I'm like, wait a minute. And even if you don't get it, don't do anything, you know, getting smart with me or nothing, or trying to do something to me. Because I know for me, the little girl comes up, she'd be like, oh no, no, no, no. You can't do that. No, no, no, no. So I think about my granddaughter and how she is so much like me in that area, and I'm sure not just me, but I recognize it. You know, I recognize that. So, yeah, so I'm 62, and you know, I've gone to college and I've got a few degrees, and I'm employed, and I live in my home now. I have a car, and you know, I can uh code switch if I need to. I don't do that anymore. Um, so these are all the things, but really and truly, I'm that girl that was on that phone telling my mama. She's gonna give. Some's gotta give, either me or you.

Candace Patrice 18:57

That is insane. I feel like I could hear Kamari saying that one day.

Janet Hale 19:03

Well, you know what she did to me? She always doing stuff to me.

Candace Patrice 19:06

Anyway, I'm taking it personal, like I she probably do it to me too, and I'd be like, mm-hmm.

Janet Hale 19:11

But when she did this, she had one of the programs that when she performed, you guys. So I went to it and um she I said, Oh, she hugged my son. I'm glad you did, because you know how I'll be feeling. So the little girl looked at me and said, That's not gonna work all the time. No, that was not the thing to say, little girl. But I get but I but I get it. Like I get it, and I get feeling misunderstood. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, like y'all don't even get what I'm going through. For me, her story, you know, it's something different, I'm sure. But for me, like, what am I? These are the things that I'm dealing with. I don't feel like I belong in the family I'm in. You know what I mean? Like, I don't get it because y'all done got these daddies all screwed up and got me in the middle of the sisters are resentful. We don't know why we're all resentful. Yeah.

Candace Patrice 20:07

And just that whole thing. You know, that that brings me though to uh the conference and when Auntie Didi was on the stage and sharing her story that she had experiences that you didn't have in that same home. And when we're talking about the journey, because you mentioned that afterwards, I believe, just how your journeys were different in the same house, literally. I think that was the phrase.

Janet Hale 20:34

Um but we we all have I want to say something about that. I think her her, no, no, I think our journeys were similar. She didn't feel she belonged either. Think about what she said. She didn't. Like when she was sharing, I was like, what the hell?

Candace Patrice 20:55

But that was your first time hearing that?

Janet Hale 20:57

No, I kind of know. No, listen, let me tell you something about these.

Candace Patrice 21:00

Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Janet Hale 21:02

Nope, I want to say this real quick. Okay. Because what I will say, what I know, I know. In other words, I get the backstory to all things. That's all. Go ahead.

Candace Patrice 21:17

Um, but I think at least what I was trying to point at is that we just all have different experiences on our journey.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

Yes.

Candace Patrice 21:26

Um, and rather, and not every time will we know what that experience is. Because that would require us to be able to share that experience fully with someone for them to understand. And do we really understand everybody's real experience? I mean, we do our best as they try to share it and try to relate as much as we can. But in order to get a full experience, you really have to be there with somebody because we can't pinpoint or replay a millisecond by millisecond in a conversation. You can get the overall idea, but it's still gonna be coming from our own personal experience. So even when we're looking at these, as I was sharing about the social media post, the guy who was having the well, what'd I say, the hallucinations, not hallucinations, um, but well, his experience. Then the duck.

Janet Hale 22:16

The drug trip. The dose, the drug.

Candace Patrice 22:18

Yeah, the drug trip, but I forgot what I was calling it. He was um, what did he say? He was um, you know, when you start thinking people trying to do things to you. What paranoia? Thank you. What is going on with my words today?

Janet Hale 22:30

I got you, right?

Candace Patrice 22:31

Um, the paranoia or you know, the duck guy, and they're like, oh, you blew up off of a duck, but not knowing, like, there's so much more that happens. And so even as we're talking about Kamardi, and I see just based off of things that you've shared with me about whether it's your life, whether it's Brandon's, and I'm like, ah, I see how this could be a similar situation, maybe not the same experience. But then I also think about things you told me about how you either did handle it or wish you'd handled it. And so that gives me a little perspective to say, ah, this is happening. Now, I don't necessarily know what to do, but what I do know is that this person took this route and this is what happened. This person took this route and this is what happened. This is what I know about the person and what they wish would have happened. So now how can I attack this situation with all the information that I have, which we shouldn't that that word attack, though.

Janet Hale 23:27

Check out what you're saying.

Candace Patrice 23:28

Say it again.

Janet Hale 23:29

The word attack.

Candace Patrice 23:31

How do I address how do I how do I go towards it? When I say attack, I mean I know what you mean. Oh, okay. Um how do I handle this situation uh based off of all of those outcomes? And she reminds for me, because my experience is with my brother, she reminds me a lot of my brother when it comes to having her own mind, doing what she wants to do, how she wants to do it, and knowing that I feel like she believes in herself in a weird way. Um, and not saying that she has all the confidence or anything like that, but she has a good amount enough to say I can stand on my no, and I know that that should be okay. Um, and so yeah, just how I have to maneuver that because I don't, at the end of the day, I don't know what's gonna work and what's not gonna work and what's gonna be helpful and what's gonna be harmful.

Childhood Lessons And Inner Child Protection

Janet Hale 24:30

She's still a stinker, she's a stinker, and that's okay, because that's what the hell she is. Um, right, you know, and we all can be whatever. But anyway, so go getting back to that. I was I had oh similar behaviors. You know what I mean? Like, this is the way I feel about oh, listen, okay, you guys, this mom and daddy, they never divorced, and um, I don't think they lived together from my age six on up or whatever, but daddy was always around, right? So we had lived, we had moved from grandma's house for a minute, you know, mom was gonna do their thing. And so daddy would come over on the weekends, right? And so, yeah, I don't want Kamari to hear this. So we're mama's talking to us. It's the weekend, we know we want to go out and have some fun. Mama says in front of Daddy, Well, you guys, you know, this weekend I want you home by such and such a time. Wait a minute. That's not how we do things around here. What are we doing? My smart mom said this. Okay, oh, let me just set it up for you. So it's me, Didi, and Karen. Thomas Cena had to been born because we because she was born, we were on turn turn of anyway. I don't remember her in it. But it was the three of us, and mama's having this perfect mother moment. And we're like, what the hell? This is not what we do. So daddy's standing there and everything, and she's talking all this stuff, and I looked at her, and I was, oh, what did I say to her? I said, So, are you doing this? Because Daddy here? Didi and Karen left the scene. They were gone. They were gone. So I was serious, I was still standing. Like, what are we doing? Because this thing what we normally do. Why you do because daddy here? All I know is I hit the floor. Do you know how you got there? Or daddy. I don't even know which one of them got me that time. And I and I remember getting up and I looked, that's when I realized my sisters were gone. And we went in the room and they were saying this. Janet, we didn't want you to do that. Because I was always worried about me. So those are the, you know, those are some of the things that, you know, I would do and or say. Like, what are you doing, mama? This is not how we normally do this. And are you and you know, it's probably too grown for me to say. You doing this just because daddy here? I could have kept that to myself. Or listen. Okay, listen. Okay, Kamari can never hear this one. Okay. Okay, and then it's like I didn't agree with the whippings that they gave me. Like, I don't know, you know, I'm not in the whoopings now, but I remember getting a whooping for their dead now, so they can't get me. I remember getting a whooping because one, we lived in California, and we used to, oh God, we lived behind a ranch, right? It was really pretty, wherever we were. I think it was, was it Van Nuys, California? I can't remember. And mom used to tell us to come straight home. So it was predominantly white. I don't know if there were black people around, it don't matter. But so this one little girl says, I have some clothes that um you can fit. And I'm like, shoot, that's all good to me. So I'm I walk to her house, I get the clothes, and I go home. Well, not understand it, I'm probably an hour late. And at this point, mama is probably has lost her mind. My mother beat the stew out of me. So in my mind, like, why are you beating me? Yeah, I got me some clothes.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

Yeah.

Janet Hale 28:18

You get that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, like, what are you doing? Why are you beating on me? Look what I did. Yeah. So is those are the things, and oh wow. And I still feel that way, but I also see her point now that I'm this old. You know, so that was a thing that I just didn't agree with. Why are you beating me up? Shit, we I got her some clothes, got me some clothes. The other was getting a whooping because I set the kitchen on fire. Well, so hold on, hold on. So here's the deal. So I needed to, I wanted to press my hair out. And mom and daddy went home. So I had to be young. I had to be five. When I think about how young I had to be, or six, I mean young. And so I knew there was a straightening comb and we would light the stove. Well, what I did was got some lighter fluid because the stove wouldn't turn on. Oh my god. And I knew the fire fluid lighter fluid. Oh my god, you almost killed yourself. So the fire came and it was like so big. And my little mind, I took paper towel because I thought I could carry the fire to the sink. Like each time I took it to the sink. So cute. And so when I took it to the sink, the curtains caught on fire. Oh. So then I don't know if they should the neighbors got, I don't know what happened. We've the house didn't burn down or whatever. But anyway, so I got this big old whipping. When I got older, I was like, hold up, y'all beat me up. I was five or six at home by ourselves, trying to do my hair. What is this all about? Because when I play it back, like, I don't know if y'all should have gave me. And I told them that when I got grown. I said, nope, that was not fair. You know, so it just all those things.

Candace Patrice 30:04

What'd she say when you said it as an adult?

Janet Hale 30:06

Yeah, she wasn't mad or anything. I don't remember. I don't know. But um, it's just those things that sit with me, that's just like, hmm, okay, you know, and I understand mama was probably frustrated, whatever they were going through. You know, also I remember they were telling me about when I was, they say when I could crawl or pull up on stuff, that they would leave their empty um wine bottle, beer bottle, whatever, glasses of liquor, wine beer, and that I would drink it and my stomach would have to get pumped. What and I remember them always talking about that, like, and this what you did. No, the hell, no, that's what you did. But you know what I mean? It's just so, and I and I I tie all that back to how now I protect that girl. You know? Like I be protected, Janet. Like, girl.

Candace Patrice 31:05

But I will say it's validating to me because a lot of times when something does happen with Kamari, if it's at school or whatever, I always ask her what happened or the why, so that I can understand the full arc of the story before I start inserting my opinion into what it is. Because sometimes it's guidance, sometimes it's okay, you know that was wrong. You know, it just depends on what it is. And sometimes it's I understand why you did that. No, it wasn't the greatest option, but I can understand where that came from. How can we handle this next time? Well, you know, and it's just what does this look like? And a lot of times, um, even if I won't say the action is the same, but the reasoning or something is similar, she can express it very, very good. I don't know. I'm just really grateful to be able to have the knowledge to learn the why, if nothing else, and then go from there. That's my experience. I like to know the why, but I always like to know the why of a lot of things because it's logical to me. I need to make sense. Just like I don't understand. Yeah, okay, y'all. I need to bring y'all into my my mathematical world right now. So gas one day in Michigan was like 285. The next day it was like 435. Had me questioning what order numbers went in because I was like, I don't understand. I don't remember four coming after two. I'm like, it goes one, two, three, three. Three's next, right? What number that say? Had me all conflicted and confused because of logic. And I still don't understand why gas is five dollars a gallon. That's period airlines had to close down.

Janet Hale 33:00

Yeah, but I want to go back to Kamari and me. Okay. Um, I do. And I and I would the reason why I want to do this part is because so you know, I shared, you know, I was something else, everybody who knows me now, you know. Um and I the I know for me it was feeling misunderstood, right? So I wonder for her, and she's not here, and she won't hear this until I'm dead, right? Okay, I wonder what the what the thing is with her. Do you know what I mean? Like, now I don't know if you have the answer. I'm just saying, wondering what it is with her. Because she, to me, like I just share with you how, you know, I was saying stuff to my mom, and then like, mmm, like when I met my biological dad, right? And then, you know, we were cool for a minute, and then one day he wanted me to just love him more than I love my dad that raised me. I was like, hold up. Now listen, I was 12. It was 11 or 12, and I said, Oh no, no, no, no, you're not my daddy. My daddy is a man that raised me. Like, I'm just having all these conversations with folks. Like, you know, like that's so inappropriate for an 11-year-old to be saying to somebody, in my opinion, right? So I think about um for with Kamari, because I think sometimes she she's disrespectful. I do, because of her age. Like some of her stuff. I'll be like, no, no, you're too young for that. But I was too young, too, for my my stuff, right? Um so that's the thing. And I wonder if she's gonna grow out of it. What's gonna happen with this? What are we gonna do?

Candace Patrice 34:49

Oh, I think she's gonna be strong. I think it's great.

Janet Hale 34:56

Do you?

Candace Patrice 35:00

I absolutely do. I think that because of her age, that like you said, you think it's disrespectful because of her age. But I think when she grows into the age where it's not necessarily disrespectful to be very helpful.

Janet Hale 35:19

Ah, you do? I do. You know, that thing's gonna happen. Listen, we're talking about her like we got all the answers. I think when she gets to the age where she's able to do it, she won't be doing it because she'll realize that that's not the way to do it. That's what I do. I really do believe that. I believe that she's gonna kind of figure some stuff out.

Candace Patrice 35:41

Like, um I think the I think her um thought processes behind them will remain the same. Her her approach might be a little different. Yeah. But that's like you said, it's just coming. I think her doing it now actually gives her an opportunity to learn how to foster that. So she won't be at 16 doing it a certain kind of way, but she'll still do it.

Janet Hale 36:01

Wait, let me see where I was at 16. Hold on one moment, please. Nah, I wasn't any better. Okay.

Candace Patrice 36:12

Okay, so I will say this.

Janet Hale 36:15

I think one of the most beautiful things about being a mother is that you Oh, tell me what's beautiful about being a mother, dear.

Candace Patrice 36:26

Is that you know your kids and you're their safe space, and no matter what happens with other people outside and their opinions and views, you still get to be their mommy in their safe space and make sure that they have a soft space to land at the end of the day when everyone else has misunderstood or had their opinions and views. That you get to be their mommy. Just like when we would go to parent-teacher conference and they would say things and you would do whatever you had to do there, and afterwards, or they take the phone and you hand it back to me.

Janet Hale 37:03

Like, no, don't you don't tell on me.

Candace Patrice 37:07

Yep. Um But I get to be, I get to do that with her, and I get to navigate through all of these big emotions and big things, or maybe what you consider disrespectful is something I get to guide and teach, you know, regardless of what it is. I'm her mommy and I get to love her unconditionally and figure this thing out, not knowing what tomorrow brings, because everything that I do, I don't know that it's gonna be the right thing. I don't know that the outcome is gonna be the way I want it to be.

Janet Hale 37:42

You know what's beautiful. Yes. You don't have to defend that. I know, but I I get to I know, no, no, no, the beauty and listen to it. Yes.

Candace Patrice 37:51

Well, guess what? Because one day she'll hear this and she'll know that I enjoy being her mommy. I enjoy walking this route with her and seeing her experiences and being a part of them, actually. I think I love that. Like I even earlier when I mentioned that she sleeps in the bed with me because I had a boyfriend. Part of me wanted to defend that in the moment because she is 10. You know, and it's like someone listening, I'm like, hey, she needs to be in her house. But this is our thing. And we we get to be together at the end of the night and watch a movie or watch a TV show. Like, like you said earlier in the podcast, um, you were trying to do all of these things to be a good mom.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

Ooh.

Candace Patrice 38:36

And as dad would say, these days don't come back. Girl, don't make me cry. Don't make me cry. Okay, then don't cry. Don't cry, Dan. I want to be present and I want I want to have the quality time, which is why sometimes on a Monday night when I get off work at night, I'm gonna go hang out for a little bit because I know on a Wednesday I can.

Janet Hale 39:00

You know, so that's very powerful and impactful. Thank you for that. Oh I and I said, ooh, mmm, the days that I spent chasing all those things when I could have been in the bed. That's interesting.

Candace Patrice 39:28

Well, if it helps any, I remember all the yeah with you.

Janet Hale 39:31

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I was grabbing. I was still grabbing all the stuff because I love my kids. I wanted you to know, you know, but thank you for that. That's interesting, and you know, and also because Gamaria's my only grandbaby, and um I appreciate not all the time, but I do appreciate how you stand ten toes deep for her in spaces where she's not able to do it for herself. Well, that's pretty cool.

Candace Patrice 40:07

Don't make me cry. I'm gonna see her and cry.

Janet Hale 40:12

No, but it is like you do. You're like, okay, mama, you know, even you standing up to me, you know, but you think it's disrespectful. This may not be like, girl, get out of here. But guess what? That's where you are, right? And you're the mother of her, and that's something else I had to come to realize. Kamari's not my child, she's yours, you're mine. And I'm still hoping to be like, I was gonna say, yeah. I listen, my poor people. Oh, that's something else I thought about too. When I love somebody, I love you for life, even if I'm not talking, and I got friends I don't even talk to anymore. Like, listen, you did whatever you did, I'm done. But I never stopped loving you.

Candace Patrice 40:54

You know, that's because love is the greatest of all things.

Janet Hale 40:58

Yeah, and I think once you love somebody, I don't know that you stop loving them.

Candace Patrice 41:02

I don't either.

Janet Hale 41:03

I don't think you do. I don't, I don't think I do. I get mad.

Candace Patrice 41:08

But true like I was gonna say unconditional love is something unconditional love with boundaries.

Janet Hale 41:20

Because that's where I come to the boundary part. Because I'll be like, I still love you.

Candace Patrice 41:24

However, you gotta get however you do it, it's still the unconditional love.

Janet Hale 41:28

Yeah, I still love you, but guess what? I need to I'm gonna end this this part right here, but I'm not gonna stop loving that part.

Candace Patrice 41:37

Even when you if you take the word boundaries out of the equation, it's still unconditional love because there's no conditions on the love. Now I'm gonna like you.

Janet Hale 41:48

I don't like, but you know me. My little ego wants to say something the boundary part. No, I'm just saying, when you say that that's a good thing. My little ego, because I do have boundaries, right? Yeah, but I don't stop loving. Yeah, I don't even, and you've known about my friendships, and you know how quick I'll be like, well, I don't do it quickly, but when I'm done, I'm done. I'll be like, whoa, that just I'm done with shit. Oh, that is so funny. Oh god, and I do clink clank. And I do, and I do, but you know, you know what?

Candace Patrice 42:24

You might even suit up like Superman. He didn't even have to change, he just literally took a shirt off.

Boundaries People Pleasing And Moving Forward

Janet Hale 42:31

Send me one of those, yeah. Send me one of those, yeah. But you know, um, damn, we just never stop growing up. Well, I don't. I'm always constantly figuring stuff out, just figuring it all out. How do I show up for myself? In what ways do I allow myself to be vulnerable, to love, to connect with community, to connect with other people, and to set boundaries because I had a situation, mm-hmm, and I was like trying to figure some stuff out, and I'm like, well, I'm trying to connect. You know what? I don't need to connect with everybody, right? And so I have to watch myself. I know I'm all over the place, you guys, watch myself with the people pleasing. Because I don't do it a lot, you guys, but sometimes um I'll slip into well, they don't like me. What if they don't like me? What can I do to make them like? No, no, you know, everybody's not gonna like Janet. You're just not, and I and I'm not gonna like everybody.

Candace Patrice 43:43

Man, that's hard.

Janet Hale 43:45

I don't, and no, no, because I heard somebody say, We were conversating, she said, Well, I like everybody. And I said, Me too. And then I thought after I said, Me too, no, not necessarily so. But it's a condition, it's something that I'm used to, you know. Well, I like everybody. No, I don't. I do not. And that's okay. It's really, it's like everybody's not for me. And I'm not for everybody.

Candace Patrice 44:07

That's how I feel about Kamari's teachers.

Janet Hale 44:10

Yep. That's how I feel about them too.

Candace Patrice 44:12

I I really wanted to like them. And I wanted them to like me. And they don't like I feel like they don't like my baby. And I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 44:24

Well, they was mistreating her. Yeah.

Candace Patrice 44:26

So that's hard because it now makes me like a lot of times I I don't, I won't say I'm a fighter, but I feel like I'm in this fight stage. Like I want to, I want them to know they're wrong now. I want them to understand their wrongness. I'm even to the point I almost want to pinpoint and pick out everything that's wrong. But if I if I do, it's it's not gonna lead me anywhere by doing that. I'm I'm gonna end up in a a cycle of trying to prove something that they may never see. And even that's that's something I learned during the separation, during the divorce, and like I'm fighting to show my part, like I'm right and where you're wrong. And at the end of the day, it didn't do anything, it doesn't do anything. The best thing to do, wow, you did a Janet is to is to move forward. Stop looking back and move forward. How do I focus on the now and what's going on? How do we find win-win solutions? Like, and sometimes a solution is removing the kid from the school, and that's what we're doing.

Janet Hale 45:42

And I'm glad me too.

Candace Patrice 45:44

And she is too. Her friends, she told me recently, my friend don't want me to leave the school. She was like, But I'm okay with leaving.

Janet Hale 45:54

No, you don't.

Candace Patrice 45:55

She was like, It's not worth it. The girl she said, her friend said, But you'll have new teachers next year. And she says, I forgot what Kamari said. She it was along the lines of I understand that, but this isn't working. I don't know what it was pretty profound, you know. She's real cool and stuff. Um, but I think you really summed up our whole unique experience in your last statement and all the things that we go through. And I think one of the things we mentioned earlier in a different way, but it's pay well, paying attention to the person in front of you, but in this, in this case, I want to say the one in the mirror, and that experience, yeah, the experiences that we have, and allowing them to be yours. Don't come, don't try to make them like someone else's and appreciation. You mentioned earlier, I heard you. It's like I got a house, I got a car, I got a job, you got all of these things to be grateful for, and that does not mean that it's without its own struggles or without its own things that you don't have, but to be able to have what you do have in this experience and to recognize that not once did you mention anything that you didn't have.

Janet Hale 47:18

But here's the thing that's ooh so crucial for me is the person that is in front of me, which is you.

Candace Patrice 47:26

I don't get it.

Janet Hale 47:28

All that don't start a new podcast in this. Okay, the all the things I all the things that I have, and the most important thing in it in this moment is you.

Candace Patrice 47:42

I get that. You get that? Yeah, because I would look at Kamari and say the same thing.

Janet Hale 47:47

It's you, yeah. I was it is you, excuse me. Okay and how we because we were left alone, like some oh, it makes me mmm. We were left to each other. Your brand is gone, your dad is gone. It's like you and I are like, oh god, we gotta figure this stuff out. We need to figure it out. Like, how do we figure it out? And we and we're willing to figure it out, like we will get it done. And I'm so grateful for um your sister Mandy. Oh I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful that you have a sister Mandy, and I got all me.

Candace Patrice 48:44

And a god.

Janet Hale 48:45

Oh, and oh, Brenda Joy. Yeah, she's Daddy Dale. All of it.

Candace Patrice 48:51

I know, but I've got to be. And my brother.

Janet Hale 48:54

Oh everybody. And also And by my brother, I'm talking about BJ, y'all. We know. Well, yeah, better say BJ. We never mention BJ. We'd be all of them. I got a godbrother, all my sisters never talk about. I got a godbrother, y'all. We do, and we do. But I um thought about two, like um your friends that I love, right? And um connected with one of them because she posted something. And you know how you have to think with that little story, and then I posted something and I and I responded back to her and wrote something in there. Okay, and we had a whole dialogue this morning. And I said, hmm, one of my other children, you know, just this whole experience, and for um those that have been with us, Candace, from the time when there was um uh a Candace, a Brandon, a Charles, and a Janet.

Candace Patrice 49:53

And a Taz.

Janet Hale 49:55

Oh, and a Taz. And that whole, no, no, but that whole journey of our lives, right? And how they're still very significant to us.

SPEAKER_01 50:04

Yeah.

Janet Hale 50:05

In some way. And yes, we've had new people come and and all those things, but for me, those are the core folks. Even the parents that I met through the children that I've, you know, that are my children, right? Extended children. It's just um it's beautiful. But we have we were left with each other. We were left to each other to figure out this whole thing called like, and I want to say this no new podcast. When we were at um Kamari's last performance, right? And I noticed this about me. Okay, you guys, those of you who are listening, you're about to okay. I noticed that when I was sitting there, and she was excellent, she had a solo. She did something. She had two solos, but there was one particular, I was just digging. I was like, girl, go, go, go. And so when I was sitting there, I was so proud. When I say proud, I set up high, and I'm only five foot two. When I set up high, and I was like, Yep, and yep, and that's my granddaughter. And it was all in here. I didn't need to say it to anybody, I didn't need to express it, I didn't need to do any just in the in me, just feeling that pride. And then the pride that I had for you, and that I continue to have, but in that moment, like Candace is doing the things that she needs to do for her daughter. She wants her to have an experience that is good. And so she will do the things that you do, the things that you need to do. Like when you were looking for schools, and my heart went out to you when you took me to that school. I didn't say anything, right? Because I'm like, look at her, trying her best to figure this thing out.

SPEAKER_00 51:50

Yeah.

Janet Hale 51:50

Like I'm going in this school and I'm gonna try to find another school for my baby. And that's what I saw. And I don't know if that's what you would fill in, but what I saw was a mother trying to make it right for her baby. Yeah. And I'm gonna do what I have to do. I don't care how many schools I have to go to, I'm gonna find a safe school for my baby. And that's what I saw. And so when I see those things, for me, I'm so freaking proud. You just don't even know.

SPEAKER_00 52:18

I'll be like, Yep.

Janet Hale 52:20

Even with um your sister Man Man. Like, I'll be like, yep, because she she's a whole lot like me, you guys. When I watch her and the way she's doing things, and going back to school, getting her education, raising her family, doing her like those are the kind of things that and she said she had to be a big advocate for her children, too.

Candace Patrice 52:39

I had to I watched her do that. Oh, okay.

Pandemic Home Life And Gratitude

Janet Hale 52:43

Yeah, so it's just you know, just um, yeah, those are kind of things that make me proud.

Candace Patrice 52:48

Yeah, we were sharing about like the most important thing, it's me. And I was sharing with Dom the other day how lucky we were to be able to live with our mothers during the pandemic, because she was living with her mother too. And it was like, and what made me think that was how important mothers are, because I said if I was looking at Kamari, I would say the same thing. And it's like initial, my initial thought was, oh, but where does that leave my mother? If she's looking at her daughter, I'm looking at my daughter, and I'm like, it's mothers, but you had a mommy to look at you too, you know? So it keeps going. Uh, and not that the daughters don't love their mothers, you know, but there's a different kind of look at when you're taking care of the one beneath you, your daughter, you know. Like, I don't know. There's I I get to experience this, so I think I know where you're coming from. You've just been able to do it for 38. Well, however many, how would I 38? 46 years. Yeah, you have 46 years of parenting. Yes. Oh shit. 46 years of parenting. Yes. Okay. Wow, that's wild to me.

SPEAKER_01 54:06

Yeah.

Candace Patrice 54:07

Um, but yeah, and I I just thought about, and even thinking about that, everybody don't have a mama, as my brother said.

Janet Hale 54:15

Did he not say that?

Candace Patrice 54:18

I couldn't imagine going through a pandemic without both of my parents. Like you did have both brother. No, I'm saying if I didn't live with you, I would have had to social distance from both of my parents during the pandemic. And that probably would have been very difficult to be in a home alone outside from you.

Janet Hale 54:40

And so that was a good time. Y'all got on my nerve, dog. I used to be fussing and stuff, but um, that was such a good time.

Candace Patrice 54:50

No, it's it's something I I really appreciate. Like when I look back and we talk about the pandemic, and people have things to say about y'all. My cat knows that his voice travels under the door, and so my daughter's in the room, and the cat puts his head all the way down to the bottom and meows so we can hear. I just watched him do it. I could hear him do it, but I literally watched it.

SPEAKER_01 55:14

Anywho, um, just what was I saying?

Candace Patrice 55:19

Was I talking about being able to just be in the home with you? Oh, my favorite, one of my favorite memories it's the dinner table. So when people talk about how the pandemic was, and I'm like, I really enjoyed that time.

Janet Hale 55:35

That was a special time. The dinner table. And we would come, oh, conversate and share. And boy, this is listen, oh, you know, you and Roy didn't make it, but Roy used to love me, him some me. Because that, but listen, he was like, you know, because I can eat up some stuff. And he found out that his mom-in-law had a sweet tooth. Remember, he used to bring me the special things for makeup. I'm like, boy, he would hear mom. As long as he could play those video games. That was the we had to let him have the basement because that's what he did. Oh, wow, he had his first man cave at your house. He sure did.

Candace Patrice 56:16

That's wow.

Janet Hale 56:17

And he did, and he did, and um just all the things of just being able to witness and be a part of you and your life, and then I think too, it fulfilled something in me because I would have been by myself in the pandemic. But I had you, I had a family. Yeah, I didn't need to talk about that. Just think about myself, you know how I've been doing. It's like no. I had a whole family like in my house, and we were working from home together, remember that? And um, God, Kamara used to love me so much.

Candace Patrice 56:51

Oh, she still loves you.

Janet Hale 56:52

She'd be like, suck a mama, suck a mama, and I'd be like, Yes, baby, what is it? And I would record her all the time, and um, and then you and I would talk. Well, we used to clash, but that's okay. But we would still have tender moments, right? But I got to know Roy. Yeah, that was amazing for me to get to know him because you know he's the knucklehead. But no, I was like, this guy is pretty cool. Like, you okay guy, you know?

Candace Patrice 57:25

Yeah. The authentic moments of I mean, because where are you gonna go? We ain't had nowhere to go. We couldn't be fake nowhere.

Janet Hale 57:34

And then y'all used to try to fry tea. I used to be so mad at him.

Candace Patrice 57:41

I did have a kitchen curve.

Janet Hale 57:43

I don't have one knock on the barbell.

Candace Patrice 57:44

She let us slide eventually. I think you started letting us slide.

Janet Hale 57:47

Yeah, because I'm like getting hungry.

Candace Patrice 57:49

We didn't get hungry till midnight.

Janet Hale 57:51

Yeah, y'all used to do some, and then his at work hours too. He would come in after nine, some night. And so we had to figure out that.

Candace Patrice 57:59

Well, I used to cook. I used to enjoy cooking till y'all boycotted it. Well, we didn't boycott. No, you you guys was like, y'all, we we need food outside of this house. We want outback. So we either get an outback, Candace, or you're not, but we get an outback.

Janet Hale 58:14

We did, we used to team up against you.

Candace Patrice 58:16

It's time. We've been three months in this house. We appreciate you, but damn it, we want some restaurant food.

Janet Hale 58:23

We would team, we would team up and stuff, and Warrior would talk to me, and he would have real honest conversations with. I loved him for that. One of the things I loved about him, that's the only thing, but to sit down and have real conversations. Like, are you really having this conversation with me? And he'd have it, and we'd go on with the day.

SPEAKER_00 58:43

Yeah.

Resources Thanks And Sign Off

Janet Hale 58:44

Yeah. Okay, so you want to wrap us up? Yeah, we wrapped up.

Candace Patrice 58:48

All right. So thank y'all for listening. Um, Suicide National Prevention Lifeline is 988, 24 hours, seven days a week. Uh, continue to follow, like, share, text, feedback, anything. We're really grateful. We got some new listeners, so thank you to the new listeners. If you made it this part, thank you to my people. I got thank you listening, girl. Thank you to my people. Um, yeah, so we're really grateful, and we look forward to continuing this journey. We don't want to stop the podcast anytime soon. So we love you guys, and we're really, really, really grateful to our listeners and still hoping that this podcast is blessing people left and right, um, changing the life here, changing the life there, giving some type of insight. And we're out. Always love hard, forget often, laugh frequent. Adios. Adios.