What If Parenting Is More About Company Than Control

That moment when you realize you forgot to hit record turns out to be a gift, because it means we start raw and honest. My mom (Janet) and I talk through a real communication slip where stress turned into projection, and we show what repair looks like when you actually listen, apologize, and let the other person be heard. If you’ve ever felt afraid that one argument could break a relationship, you’ll recognize the “inner child” energy underneath it and the relief that comes when the adult self steps in to protect connection.

From there, we move into parenting with big feelings: what “defiance” can look like in kids, how emotional sensitivity gets misunderstood, and why comfort often needs to come before conversation. I share what changed everything with my daughter: she can tell me, “I’m crying, hold me,” and once she’s regulated, we can talk. We also get practical about tone, triggers, time misunderstandings, and how to repeat the same boundary without escalating.

We go wider into modern family life and mental health, including Roblox, internet safety for kids, and how to teach tools when you can’t monitor every second. We also talk about healing and therapy language, including how “self-improvement” can turn into a weapon across generations, and why acceptance, recovery community, and belonging matter. We end with self-acceptance, body image, and the reminder that love doesn’t disappear just because someone is upset.

If this resonates, subscribe, share it with a parent or adult child who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find Essential Mental Healing.

Transcript

Welcome, Missed Record, Reset

Candace Patrice 0:04

Hello and welcome back to another episode of Essential Mental Healing, where I am your host, Candace Patrice. And joining me today is my lovely co-host, my mother, Jenna Hare. And y'all. Hello. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

That's it.

Candace Patrice 0:22

Oh my god, y'all. We have been talking and we just had to hit record because y'all missed half the podcast on accident because we didn't hit record. Uh, but today it's a good day for me. How's it going for you? Let's let them know, catch them up on where we've already been.

Apology, Big Feelings, Inner Child

Janet Hale 0:39

It's a good day. You and I were able to talk or clear up a uh communication thing where I had to apologize to you because you know things didn't go a certain way. And I had overbooked uh today, and the person we were supposed to have didn't come, and then uh just all the craziness, and I projected all that on you.

Candace Patrice 1:06

You know, I I meant to say this uh as well. Thank you for listening to me and hearing me. I really, I really appreciated that because I didn't know how that was gonna land, and it was you made it very easy. So thank you for hearing me.

Janet Hale 1:20

You know what I'm gonna say? Not to sound like a dude talking to this girl. So that's what love, that's what love is, you know. Love is like, okay, you were like, listen, but you stated it so great. Like I was in my feelings. And first of all, and then that, and so I felt like you had overbooked because I had overbooked, but I don't know. It looked like it worked out for both of us, but and I was like, that's why I let you finish. But you're absolutely correct. Oh, your mama was all in the her feelings, but um, I think it's good to be able to talk about those things, you know. When we have, like we were talking earlier about big feelings, you know, and um feeling safe enough to have those conversations. And like you said, well, you know how to bring it up, but you wanted to express it, right? Like, listen, Molly, I mean you you said what you said, and then I was feeling like I was feeling I couldn't control the other person. I mean, mom. And so, you know, it's good, and and I love the fact that we're able to have hard conversations, that is good, even when it's uncomfortable, you know what I mean? Like, I'm sure you was like, I don't want to tell her all this, I don't want to talk about it, but I want to resolve, right?

SPEAKER_02 2:43

That was exactly it!

Candace Patrice 2:48

Oh my goodness, so good.

Janet Hale 2:50

And we know when when your mom could get into her three-year-old self, sometimes my three-year-old comes out to, you know, fight with your three-year-old, and then it's not good. Man, it was but I think today, I think today both of our we had our inner child speaking, but I think we also had our adult person to protect that child within who was trying to communicate to one another. So, yeah, so that's that's what I got.

Candace Patrice 3:22

Man, if I didn't have a vessel holding in my energy, I would just probably explode. Is that a yeah? So that feels good. That feels really good. If a mommy is listening, just know it feels good to be to have that open communication. So I love that. I know you ain't even saying that today. I love you. Oh, I love you, girl. Okay, so we were sharing about parenting or yes, okay, you introduce the the topic.

Defiance And Emotional Kids

Janet Hale 4:01

Okay, so we were talking about um, so all children have traits of some sort, right? So with my granddaughter, sometimes hers come out. I'm gonna use the word defiant. It's the defiance thing going on. And it's it's hard to understand because it's so strong. And trying to understand what that is, like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So we were kind of talking about that. And um Candace was sharing about her big emotions. Now, everyone who knows me knows my emotions have always been big, period. I think I was born with just big emotions, but I was sharing with Candace how I didn't even recognize that she had big emotions like that. I think it was I recognized it after divorcing um her dad, is when I started seeing the big emotions and recognizing that, ugh, this this girl hurts too, like other people. You know, this girl has fears too like other people. And I think initially I was somewhat overwhelmed.

Candace Patrice 5:08

So how did that how did that show up for me for you to realize it? Because if it if it didn't show up, did it not show up before, or did it just look different? Yeah, tell me this whole journey.

Janet Hale 5:20

I'm gonna tell you the the the first time I'm gonna say.

Candace Patrice 5:22

No, I I haven't heard this, guys.

Janet Hale 5:23

This is the first time you can beep you can bleep it out if you want, that's fine. But I wouldn't because it's a good podcast. You need to keep all the stuff in there. But if you do, that's okay. But I think the rep the the time that I can remember initially was when you and your family were here. Okay. And you and I had, I think our first major blow-up as adults. And um you went off. You were like, my hell wrong with her. And I remember saying to you, I don't know if you remember this, I saw myself doing all that. Like, what the hell? Where did this come from? Um, and then we did, I don't feel like that got resolved really. I think we both kind of shut it down and didn't really deal with it. And then it came out again when we got into another fight. Um, and when I heard our fights, they know how we fight now. Okay, that's right. We had a whole one on the stand. And but so we got into this big fight, and it was through text. You remember that?

Candace Patrice 6:28

I don't know.

Janet Hale 6:29

You were on the stairs, it was big. It was whoo! It was so humongous. And I I couldn't believe, I was like, whoa, what is what does what is she doing? What is this? And then when we start to talk about things, you would get emotional and and get teary-eyed. You know what I mean? And then I wasn't sure how to read it. Because I'm like, girl, where are all these, what are you doing? What is this? And so learning how to respect your emotions, although I'm not familiar with it all the time. You know, I'm I'm uncomfortable because I don't know what to do with it. You know, and it um your sister helped me with it. Because she would be like, you know, Candace is really emotional. I said, girl, she's not mommy. Yes, she is. No, she said, Mommy, she's she's very sensitive.

Candace Patrice 7:20

That's one of those things. You know how they we always say Mandy's like you, and I'm like mommy Brenda? You know how sensitive mommy Brenda is.

Janet Hale 7:28

Oh. Oh is she? Yeah. Not so like I'm sensitive. You don't think I'm sensitive, but then I my defense is I ain't talking, I'm mad, you know. Oh, okay. I think I just carry it out.

Candace Patrice 7:46

Her emotions are different mirror mine more. Just like yours, you and Mandy mirror more.

Janet Hale 7:51

Yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah. So just um learning, oh, first recognizing it and seeing it, and then trying to figure out how to deal with that. And I think for me, with um you becoming so emo or seeing all the emotions, not that you became emotional, but me recognizing all the emotions, it overwhelmed me and it scared me. Because on some level, your emotions meant that you didn't love me. Yeah. Like if you got mad, oh my god, my Candace is mad. Oh my god, oh, oh, this could be it. And it took me a minute to learn how to fight with you. So I'm like, wait a minute. And tiptoeing around and who, and then after a while, it was like, girl, look, I'm mad as hell. I'm so mad at you. And just to learn, to learn, you know, how to do that. Um, but you were more mature than me in that. Because you would say, Mama, there's nothing that could mess us up. Nothing.

Candace Patrice 9:01

Kamari's really good with telling me how to handle her. Uh because I when she gets big emotions, and I'm like, what's wrong? What's wrong? She will literally look at me and be like, I'm crying, hold me. I don't want to talk. I'm like, oh.

Janet Hale 9:20

Oh, she said that scares me. Oh, that would scare the hell out of me. Girl. Because see the little Janet in me be like, girl, y'all tell me what to do. I'm just, what do you mean? What do you? You know, I get really weird about that.

Candace Patrice 9:35

Like wait, my response be, oh, oh, oh, okay, come here. And then I hold her, and then once she calms down though, she can share with me what it was that was bothering her. So now I don't always jump to what's wrong. I'll console her first because I know that's what she needs. She's told me that. And it's she has had to tell me multiple times. The very first time she told me was when we were on the cruise, and it was her and I, and we were, and I shared this before, but probably don't remember. We were on a cruise and we were at the computer, and she put in a question in the internet. It was like, how to make a mommy happy. And I was like, Do you think I'm not happy? And then she just told me, like, sometimes I feel like X, Y, and Z, and sometimes I just want you to hold me and give me a hug and tell me it's gonna be okay. And I was like, Oh, okay. But okay, well, see, I'm stuck on how to well, because I guess my response was to her when I elevate my voice sometimes, I'm angry. Or if I take a deep breath, you know, you try to whatever I was doing, the response she was picking up was irritation, angry, which probably irritation was probably the number one one, but I was about to say, but to her, that was anger. So she's like, How do I stop her from being so irritated from the things that I'm doing? What am I doing wrong? Like, all she sees is what she's doing wrong for some, you know, and I was like, I didn't want that narrative. So I was glad that she was able to express what she needed because now it's a lot easier. She, I mean, not that I don't get angry still, but we handle it differently. This morning, actually, uh, I had asked her to do something. I told her to get off the phone because we need to clean up because I know her friend was gonna come. She got off the phone, we got in, but then she called her friend. Now she wasn't on the phone with her friend when we got out the car, but she called the friend that she wanted to come over. And in my mind, I'm like, didn't we just say you're not supposed to be on the phone and you're supposed to be cleaning up? But I think in her mind, she was like, I just wanted to call my friend because she might be coming over and I'm really excited, and I want to see, make sure she's still coming. And so as I was trying to explain to her, so after she got off the phone, and I'm like, Kamari, that's very frustrating when I tell you to do something and you do something else, and I feel like you're not, and however, I was saying, she's like, Mom, Ma, stop yelling, stop yelling. Like, I'm not yelling. She's like, but you're talking so mean. And in my head, I'm like, well, you don't listen. So you gotta listen to, you know. And I took a deep breath and I said the same words, less escalated. She moved, she removed her hands from her ears, she listened, and it was fine. And I had to tell her, I said, sometimes when I get upset, I don't know how to not talk like this, because it feels like you only hear me when I talk at an elevated tone. And then, you know, we walked worked through it. She got she did what I asked her to do and everything. But it's literally like that communication, and we were talking about, so even before we got to the defiance and the emotional part, how what was it, how to parent? What was the first thing we talked about? How to parent your children or oh liking them when liking your mamas, not liking your mamas, liking friends. Yeah.

Janet Hale 12:57

Okay, so something was said to me about um of someone talking about their their mother, and they said, My mother, I liked her, I like her better. I like she could her and I could be friends. I did not like her as a mother.

Stop Parenting, Be Good Company

Candace Patrice 13:16

So I sent you something. I sent you a clip from a guy, his name is Oh, yeah. I don't know how to pronounce it. It's s-a-d h g u r you. And I said something like Sa Gruru. I don't know. But there's you know, next thing as a case, you know. Like you can't. So forgive me for butchering this man's name. But um, so the this is the article. It says, the spiritual teacher suggests that the best thing parents can do is actually stop parenting, and the way it is commonly understood. Um, it says, hold on, there's more to it, because I should have been a little more prepared with that, but that's okay. Um, we need to understand that children only come through you, they don't come from you, they're not your property to be conducted whichever way you feel it, you feel fit. You must do this. Stop parenting them. What they need is some good company, not a bloody boss walking around in the house, yes or no. So even that idea when that person said that I liked I didn't like them as a parent, I liked them as a friend. It sounded like the good company of the friendship part and not the dictatorship of the parenting, that they had to separate those two. So at home, it I feel like I my house is more conducive to less parenting. I still be parenting a little bit because I mean, you know, I was trying to flex up this.

Janet Hale 15:02

What's going on right here?

Candace Patrice 15:04

But really, I have decided that this is my partner in this journey right now. I don't have a husband or a man right now, but I do have someone I'm living life with. So my life looks different. This is my so when you guys get met with more defiance, it doesn't look the same at home. Now, don't get me wrong, she still she still be doing some things, but because of the way our relationship is handled differently and it doesn't affect me. Who are you guys? Anybody outside of me and her.

Janet Hale 15:37

Oh, because I be feel like I'm the only one that can get it.

Candace Patrice 15:41

Now there are more, we're gonna form a support group. Well, I should say anyone outside of her and I, and her dad, because her dad is actually really good with learning how to maneuver her and everything, too. Thank you, Lord.

Janet Hale 15:55

Well, she's good around Dominique, though. Yes, but I know Am I supposed to say her name? You can say whatever.

Candace Patrice 16:04

Yeah, mama, hey, who and then um but it looks different in our house because of the way that I respond to her, but I respond to her a certain way because of how I am. One of those things being morning time. She don't like morning, do bad with mornings. I don't like mornings, do bad with mornings, so I understand where that's coming from. There was a clip I saw on Instagram that showed how kids process different. And there were five quarters in a row, they were stacked two by two. The second, so they asked the kid, is it the same amount of quarters in the first row and the second row? He said, Yes. They spread the five quarters out in the second row. Asked the boy, is it the same amount in the first row and the second row? He said, No, the second row got more. So then because they were spread out, and so then they had to ask him. They had had him count them. It were five in each row. He said, Is it more in the first row or the second row? He said, It's the same. Nothing was changing, but his understanding was then there were two straws, they were together, and they said, Which straw is longer? He said, They're the same size. They moved the straw to the right and said, Which straw is longer? He said, The one at the top. She said, Why? He said, Because you moved it over, it's longer. And then there was something, I forgot what the the last one was, but there was something I asked him. And when things changed, even though they were the same, he had a different response. But kids' minds respond in that way. And so I had remember asking Kamari, and I think I said this on the last podcast, do you know what 10 minutes is? Because I swear I'd be like, we got 10 minutes to get in the car. And she'd be like, mm-hmm. 10 minutes, like pronto, pronto. You know, that's how I be feeling.

Janet Hale 17:56

You know what 10 minutes is.

Candace Patrice 17:59

And you know I don't know. So I'm like, but putting these things together, and it's like, I'm frustrated because I know what 10 minutes is-ish. And she's hearing it and saying okay, but still don't know that 10 minutes is this. So we got met with this the other day. Um, I said, okay, Kamara, you got what I said, you got 10 minutes to do so. I think it was homework. Let's do the homework for 10 minutes or something. She was like, oh my God, that's so long. I said, so 10 minutes is a long time. She was like, yes. I said, okay, that's great. So next time I tell you you got 10 minutes on Roblox, I'm so glad you're gonna feel like you got a lot of time. She was like, no, wait, that's not a lot of time. I said, I said, that's not a lot of time. She was like, no, 10 minutes isn't long enough. I said, well, I'm so glad 10 minutes is not a long time so that we can do this homework in this 10 minutes because it's not that long. Oh no, she doesn't stop doing that. She told me that. Yes, she told me stop. She literally told me, stop talking facts.

Janet Hale 19:05

See, I can't take her. See, I'll be all mad about that.

Candace Patrice 19:10

But again, these are the things that happen in their minds and how it's processing. And so just trying to get to that. And I think with even that article, what I just read, hearing that, it's a way to get through life. Oh, because it also says, hold on, let me go a little further down the article. Um man. Um, yes, it says he does he goes a step further and challenges the idea of a third authority that comes with being older. In his words, all you have done is a few years earlier, you landed here. Beyond that, you have no other qualifications to tell them what to do and what not to do. I heard you hit a table. You just got excited.

Janet Hale 20:01

So I'm sorry, because he I'm ahead of my time. And I'm gonna tell you why. I don't know when he wrote it. But anyway, because you're like 76, I think. So I don't know. Me and you have time talking, and um, I think you were 37. I don't remember, but I was still a couple days ago. Your 37 cannot your 30 days, I mean your 37 and my 37 are not the same. So with me looking at you at the age of 36, I do not know if you remember me saying this, it does not, I cannot compare my 37 with your 37th. Because, like he just said, well, he said in different words. I totally agree with that. But I also wanted to go back to the first part that you read, and that is um that you only come through you, they don't come uh come from you. You're not uh you're they're not your property to be conducted. Oh, oh god, whichever way you she got a master's, y'all.

Candace Patrice 21:02

She can read, I promise.

Letting Go And Not Owning Outcomes

Janet Hale 21:05

Woo! You must do this. Stop parenting them. What they need is some good company. So going back, because I was gonna hit on older, and I watched that with you, and how I am learning, and you guys, I know y'all have been listening to me talk about this. I guess I haven't gotten it yet, but I'm still doing it. I'm still learning how to let go of you. And when I say let go, you know I still love you, you're still my girl, but just to let go and not have all these expectations from you. Because it's not fair, but the selfish side of me wants what I want, but that's so selfish because your life is not anything personal against me, you know what I mean? So, yeah, I got my Big girl panties on today because tomorrow I'll be mad about something. But um, you know, it's just that whole thing where we oh, this whole dance of parenting and getting older and watching my daughter get older. My daughter's approaching her her 40s, like you're going towards your 40s, right? And I'm I'm I'm viewing it, but I'm viewing it from a distance. And I think it it's probably a healthy distance, which makes it uncomfortable. It makes it a little somewhat uncomfortable because sometimes I feel like I should be in everything. You know what I mean? Like I should be in everything. Why aren't I in everything? Well, I'm not supposed to be in everything. Well, I guess I needed that lesson. You can't be. Here's the thing: you can't be my everything, and I can't be yours.

Candace Patrice 22:55

I do, I do, so much so that I scare myself with my daughter because I want to be in everything. Uh and I don't think I ever want to not be in everything. Even today, she's singing the song, and I was like, oh, she was like, Ma, can you not sing with me? I was like, hold up. What you mean? Don't you want me in your song? Just me and you. Let's sing this thing. She was like, Could you ask me if you can sing with me? Or, you know, make sure I'm not real into it. She was like, could you be throwing me off? I was like, what? Like, my feelings was low key hurt because I I thought this was like, we having fun. I thought I was cool. I don't know when I became not cool. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 23:44

I can relate.

Candace Patrice 23:45

This like to the point, even the new words and things, like they got this thing and they be like, I was like, don't be saying nothing. You trying to say fuck? She was like, no. And I was like, that's what I hear. Whatever.

unknown 24:02

I don't know.

Roblox, Internet Safety, Teaching Tools

Candace Patrice 24:05

It came up in more times than that is not related to cussing. So I'm like, oh, I guess this is just what the kids do. They got the button on Roblox. They're like, ah, but it's different things. Or like 6'7 when that first came out. She likes 6'7. What's that? I'm like, don't be saying that. They trying to say 6'9. That's dirty. Uh-uh. I'm thinking 69. I didn't know six seven was a new thing. I had to learn. I'm like, oh, okay. So what the kids be saying these days. You know, or even sitting there last night, we were playing Roblox together. Now, I liked certain games. I want to build the little house. That's it. That's all I want to do. I don't want to go play the shoot'em games. I don't like any of that. I don't even know how to control the things. I cannot believe this. This is ridiculous. Anywho, but it's getting to know, hear her terminology, watching her. And sometimes I have to watch what she's watching without stopping her or listen, listen to her play the game without interjecting, just to see what's happening. And that's difficult. Because I'm like, hold on, don't talk to them like that. Wait, why are you doing that? Who is that talking? What they say? Uh-uh, get out that room. But then I will never know if all I do is say, don't do, don't do, don't do, opposed to, hmm, hmm. And then afterwards, maybe it's something to address. And then I guess the other thing, not I guess, but the other thing is I don't want her to get to a point where it's like, oh, if I do this around my mama, I already know she's gonna be like, don't do that. So I'm just not gonna do this around her because she's gonna feel us, you know, opposed to teaching. That's one thing, like internet safety. There, I know there, you know, the thing is, are you watching the kids? Are you making sure it's just impossible to be with them 24-7 on internet patrol? It's not positive. You can go back and try to look at threads and text messages and things, but you can't be there every moment. Matter of fact, in 2020, what year this is 2026, they're there the the internet has become the thing for peace for peers is so crazy. We'd be like, Yeah, just take five more minutes. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead and finish this up real quick. So, but teaching the tools for success, okay. Well, how are you responding to people on there? If somebody sends you something that's inappropriate, how are you going to act? If you're in a room and people are speaking things that, you know, is not good, are you gonna stay? Are you, you know, seeing how she handles situations. I can only prepare her to handle the situations as they come. If somebody asks for your X, Y, and Z on the internet, what are you gonna do? You know, um, that's all I can do at this point. And then when it comes to certain gains and behaviors, is okay, so how would you handle a situation? We see this. What do you what would you do if you were in that situation? Or how did you feel about that situation? Or how are your friends handling? You know, just finding out what's happening, listening to her friends talk about what's happening in the classroom and the teachers, and not jumping in to ask a bunch of questions, just filling out like, oh okay, okay, you like okay, who's your so they did a what? Okay, tell the story with me. Just listening and asking small questions that don't feel like you crying and you know, it's just it's a learning process, and a lot of that comes too with me learning certain ways of communication, reading books, uh, psychology. You know, I like psychology. So hearing what people have to say, we were talking about, I'm talking a whole lot, but we were talking about emotional uh being an emotional person. I was sharing with you that I got a book, How to Strengthen being an emotional person. And I didn't know that that was even a thing, and that 20% of people are highly emotional people, and that's how we that's how we landed full circle on me, you finding out that I was an emotional person. I knew it. My first experience, I think, was third grade with Valencia, and I remember there was a sticker on my forehead that she touched, and I felt like she hit my forehead, so I popped her back and I got in trouble, and I remember feeling bad though. Like I was hurt that I was being pointed as trying to hurt her or something.

Janet Hale 28:33

Oh, that's a good point. Talk about your power because I talked a lot. Oh, because what I hear is you felt violated, and when you said something about it, you were punished for protecting yourself. Hmm.

Candace Patrice 28:51

And I also just I hope I was it your daddy. It was the teachers, I think. Y'all wasn't that bad. Okay. Yeah, I had to go write it out to the encyclopedia or something.

Janet Hale 29:05

Oh, because when I hear it, and I'm sure a lot of things, if we talk about some things, I go, ooh, even if it's me who, you know, handled it.

Candace Patrice 29:14

First grade, Miss Brown. A certain you talk about a story. I don't remember it right now.

Janet Hale 29:20

You remember it?

Candace Patrice 29:21

But I cried, right? That's probably the earliest one I can remember.

Janet Hale 29:29

I do remember that. And here's a story, you guys. So I was working and you know, all the things. I think I was in college. Was I in college then? I don't remember. But um, maybe, but so getting calls from the school.

Candace Patrice 29:45

This was like 94. You know, Miss Brown. 93, 94.

Janet Hale 29:50

Uh-huh. 94, 95. Okay. Maybe not yet. Maybe not yet. Okay. So getting a call, I know I was working, but um, getting a call saying that Candace talks a lot, and I'm like, okay, well, we really need you to come up here. I'm like, okay. So I go up to the school and Miss Brown, her her classroom was at the end of the hall by the stairs. She had two desks outside her door. And so I come to have a conversation, and then she comes out and she's telling me about my daughter. And she's this, she's that. And so I'm talking to her. And I'm saying, oh, really? And the woman bust out laughing. And I said, What's so funny? She said, Because everything you're doing reminds me of her. All your gestures and all the and I said, Really? She said, Yes. I said, Oh, well, you know, you know, we like to suspect. I don't remember all the words that I use. But you came to the to the um door, and I don't know if she was telling you, you know, what you've done wrong. I don't can't remember all that. There were some words exchanged. And I looked at you and I said, I'm here because I love you. And you started crying. Mm-hmm. And I think that's the only reason we should show up. It's because we love you. Yep. So because all the things she was saying, okay, I get all that. Well, if she's like me, then she should. Yeah, she was talking. I know she was talking. She was probably helping you teach the class. But and I and and and we communicating with her, I didn't even come off nasty. It was very smooth, all of it was smooth. But I do know when I saw my daughter's face, that uh all I can say is I love you. And you just burst out like I'm crying right now. You just started crying. I was like, oh shoot, okay. And then I went on back to work, and you went on back to school, and you never, I don't think you had any more problems with Miss Brown. Not that I can. I don't I don't think so.

Healing Without Turning It Weaponized

Candace Patrice 32:01

I don't I remember the meeting, I don't remember the tears, but I remember uh the desk. I remember you coming up there. I remember because I can see the railing, I can see the seats, and we were outside in the hallway. In the hallway, but I wasn't out there with you, huh? So, okay, so I'm trying to see where my my vision is, what I'm seeing. Was I sitting in the space or seeing you from the doorway? I must be seeing you from the doorway. Uh, but yeah, I I do remember that meeting. Yeah, yeah.

Finding Your People And Showing Up Whole

Janet Hale 32:30

And so, you know, uh, that's one of my proud moments. Uh-huh. Uh so you know, it's just um parenting. But when you were talking about uh the things that you're doing, you know, learning as a parent now, you know, at your 38 with your daughter. And uh I think about how when I was parenting, and we know with Brandon and Hogad, I made so many mistakes, and I did the best I could with what I had at the at the time. And then I had you, and um I will credit your dad for me learning to be a more gentle parent. Because he was all laid back. I was like, no, I said get up and do it. He was like, Janet, just wait a minute. Anyway, so it works. Okay, he gets credit because it did work, right? But um the this thing, I feel like you, your generation in parenting, you have to psychoanalyze everything to me. Like you're in a position where, you know, I did get to that, and then I'm I'm breaking away now because I recognize each generation is doing the best they can, and sometimes going back, dismantling everything, and talking about everything they did wrong, and uh, and I gotta make it right, I gotta do it different. I think it just it's a slippery slope. That gets weird to me. It gets so um weird. And I think about my mom and the home that I grew up in, and anyone who's listened for the years that we've been on all across the world, know that I grew up in a home where people were addicted and they were struggling their own struggles in that home. And I recognized they did the best they could do, right? And so when I became, you know, a mother, an adult, and wife, and all that, I got sober. I think I was 25. No, I had you at 25, so 26 or 27. And I got sober, and I remember going to Al-Anon, because I started off in Al-Anon, you guys. I was sober before I went to AA, and how the person who introduced me to Al-Anon used it as a weapon. And so that's what I learned. And so I was walking around telling everybody how messed up they were. My mom, my dad, they was all messed up. You know, I was just on this campaign crap. And um, and then, excuse me, and then of course, you know, going to therapy, going to AA, going to uh um Al-Anon, Adult Children's Alcoholics. I mean, I'm I'm all about how I can heal and get this thing together. And um, but I recognize that sometimes what we call healing can sometimes be used as a weapon. Because it gets into, you know, I'm healing, and what are you? And I I I even look at social media different now. And I must say I was one of them. I I gotta say that. I was one of them. And so I just think about how when my mother had her kids, they did not give a damn about what psychologists said and psych, you know, counselors and everybody said. It was we understood that our parent was our parent, was our parent. Right? And so, some kind of way we made it through, we maneuvered out, we did what we had to do, and then we became parents. And I think the cycle in my mind should be this. We my mom did what she did in uh, you know, that generation, and we had our children, we did the best we could, and then your generation's gonna do the best they can, and then that generation without going back, talking about how messed up the generation was before then. Because what I'm learning at this tender age is 62, is now I have a daughter who, you know what I mean, and I don't want you going back saying, Well, then my mama, you know what? I remember that day she cursed in front of me. Oh my god, I'm traumatized. What the hell? I need, you know what I mean? So that is the thing, and you know, I guess I'm like the most folks after you did all your shit. You'd be like, and then you know, no, no, I get it. Because I don't want that to happen to me because I know for me, I did the best I knew how. I did my very best, you know, and I have to stop myself from trying to correct everything. You know what I mean? And I know when you and I have talked, and I said that, you know, I've gone to college, I've done the things. You know what I mean? I can say, you know, you you can look at my resume, it's decent. But then at the end of the day, the the things that were most important to me was being a mother and being a wife. And that's when I go, oh, that's my sweet spot. That's it. That's it. And so for me, I want to show up in the world just as Janet. Janet. I don't want you to say, and there's and you don't do it, thank goodness. And there's my mom, and she went to college and she did this, and she no, there's my mom. Period. Period. Period. And I'm learning to, and and that takes me too to get comfortable in that space. And I've shared with you that uh where I work at now, I I found my damn people. I don't I don't know if they my people, but I have found my people, and it's um going back into the workforce at age 62, and I I've shared this. I don't know how much the sheriffs could wanted them listen to me, but I remember being interviewed and being so excited. And it wasn't just being excited about getting the job, it was being excited about them wanting me to be there. I remember I think I shared with you. I I don't know, but I remember feeling like, oh man, this is good. This is good. You did share that? This is good. And yeah, because they don't look, as far as I'm concerned, everybody's who they are. Quirky, you know, there's religious folks, there's people like me, there's all, and no, and I don't see any, you know, I just see total acceptance. And of course, in any any community, you're gonna have some stuff. Okay, that that happens. But um, I I just know for me in this season in my life, I'm just becoming so comfortable and just just being present. What are you gonna say?

Candace Patrice 39:13

I know. I was going to ask, do you think you contribute to that acceptance in that space? Do you think you helped cultivate that culture or did it exist before?

Janet Hale 39:23

I do. I do too. I do. I think I helped. And it, yeah, I think I helped. And I'm I'm grateful for that. And I I said something to one of the um administrators, I think she is. And um I said to her, I said, I emailed her with an email going back and forth. And I said to her, I said, I'm glad to be here. I'm glad to be a part of this this space. And I'm grateful for the person who recommended me. I'm grateful for the two people who wanted me, interviewed me, and for this person who had to make the final decision. I said, I don't ever want to be here at this job and not feel as grateful as I did the first day I got it. And I mean that. I mean that with everything. I really do. You know, and then to be, and then I think with this, with my age, um I'm recognizing, Candace, you helped me too with this this part. This thing about being who I am at work and away from work. It shouldn't be different. It just shouldn't. It just shouldn't be different. I was at an event today and I was there and I was hanging out with my supervisor. I was like, okay, we're just there. We're just there. Um so I I appreciate this space. I appreciate this phase of my development in life. Um just for all the new folks that have come in this time. I'm always grateful for the new people that come into my life. And I love hard. I when I get a friend, I'm loving the asses. I'll be like, look, you my friend. And when it's over, nah, I'll cut you off too. Now I'll be like, oh, okay, well, it's over. And that's okay. Like, we can be done. But I do know that when I give myself to things, I give wholeheartedly to what that is. And I'm not, and I'm sometimes I'm afraid of it. And I'm choosing to let that fear go because I am who I am. This is it. Listen, y'all, I'm not even trying to lose weight. This is the thing.

Candace Patrice 41:41

Like, you know, oh my God, you saying that? So I was at Meyer on Tuesday, and don't know why this happened, but I was looking at people and their bodies, and I said, everybody has a body, and it is what it is. I said, I will walk in and try to suck my stomach in, and somebody else's stomach is four times as big as mine, and they wishing their stomach looked like my stomach, and I'm worried about looking some other way when I'm just a me in this world. That's it. There is, it's good enough. And if I look at, if I try to compare it to somebody who my interpretation of is better, why? And then I I look in the mirror though, and I was just like, so when I got home or whatever, and I'm like, you're beautiful, like your body is actually really cute, like you got a cute ass body, you know. But I'm always stuck on one little insecurity of a stomach. Like, what in the world? We carry, are we just our weight is just distributed differently, and that's okay. And honestly, I think that's possibly, I don't know, but we work out really hard and try to get the body we want, but then if we're unable to maintain the steps to do so, then we go back to our God-given body. I don't know, it's so weird. Because there are people who there are people who get stressed and eat and still don't gain weight, people who get stressed and eat and gain weight because something is different. And that's that was the whole thing. It's just we're different. And when I took that in and just looked around at all the differences that existed, nobody knew I was looking at them for their differences. Not to say what's good or bad or right or wrong, but just to say we are.

Janet Hale 43:35

Yeah, that's interesting. You talk about looking for differences, and when I look at people, I look for things that are common.

Candace Patrice 43:42

Generally, but that day I was looking at bodies, yeah.

Janet Hale 43:44

Yeah, right. You know what I mean? I'd be like, you know, especially with somebody, okay, now nobody thinks, but there's a particular somebody and they have a mental illness, right? And it's, you know, it's big, right? And so one day I was communicating, I said. Hell, I do that. You know what I mean? Instead of all the things that are whatever they are, for whatever reason, the things she did reminded me so much of me. I said, I do that all the time. So, you know, huh, anyway. And it's something that um that that that is said is um if I spotted, I got it.

SPEAKER_02 44:26

Yeah.

Janet Hale 44:26

Whoo, I believe that. When I start spotting something in somebody and I'm all yucky about it, ugh, you know, that's something that I'm dealing with or haven't dealt with that I need to work on. And um, not to anybody to know me, no, I'm not religious. Um, it's just when I think about where I am in life today and how the right people are around me. And it's not that I picked these people or that we picked each other, but we're all here. It's it's so I know you.

Candace Patrice 45:00

No, I was thinking the right people have always been around. That's why I wanted to say that the right people have always been around. I want you to watch your thing.

Love Hard, Forgive Often, Close Out

Janet Hale 45:08

Right? I know there's more. Okay, I'm but in this moment, yeah, I'm celebrating this this moment for me. I think about um in my AA community. Oh my gosh, every day. Every night.

Candace Patrice 45:22

I call her, she's like, I'm in a meeting.

Janet Hale 45:23

We listen, I'm like, I can wait a minute, I'll be rushing to get to this computer and talk to my to my people, right? And so, um, but it's just that whole being around folks that where we show up with our scars visible, we don't come in covering everything up. It is what it is, right? So we don't have to pretend and then get just, you know, the veil taken off. Nope, it's right here. So I'm I wanted to live my life like that every day. Just out loud. This is who I am, you know, and every day is not a good day. You know, like when me and you had this thing about this text, man, we were going back and forth and and all that stuff, and it all it takes is a conversation. And I think at some point you and I recognize when it's going left. We do. We go, mmm, and one of us be like, okay, okay, and and just kind of let that go until it's till we can talk to each other, see each other, yeah, hear each other's voices, you know, and let our souls speak to one another. Because I don't think we're ever wanting to hurt one another, right? We want to be understood, you know what I mean? And I think it's really good for you and I to be able to be vulnerable in moments of confusion, of hurt, you know what I mean? Of an with angry, whatever it is, but to be able to, excuse me, to be able to communicate these things. To be able to communicate them. And you said it best when you said, Mom, I don't care what happened. We we're gonna always be be there. It doesn't matter, you know, and you know, and like I said, sometimes I get afraid, you know, like, oh God, she's never gonna, oh, oh God, I might have messed that up forever. And there, there is no messing up for me.

Candace Patrice 47:24

And you know, I find it important to tell Kamari, like even in our big moments, I still love you, and I'm gonna love you. And that did frustrate me. Yeah, you know, uh, because I think that that's really important. You you did it to me growing up all the time. After you gave me my whooping, um and then had me sit at the edge of your bed and watch TV with you as I cried and didn't want to be there. But you will remind me that you love me every time, every time, no matter what happened, no matter how mad you were, no matter how emotional I was from getting my butt beat.

Janet Hale 48:08

Oh my goodness. Okay, she didn't get beatings everybody. My goodness, okay. Here's the story because she's acting out. Kanda's did not get many weapons, and that's but I got from I know what they feel like. I know what whips look like. She loved us.

Candace Patrice 48:26

My light skin.

Janet Hale 48:29

Oh, yeah, you couldn't even be why saved by the whips. You blow on her. There was a bruise. Oh my goodness. Yes. Uh, but no, oh, go ahead. Yeah, but you know, you being a mom and everything, you know, I just feel for your your generation. And and also not just your generation, but folks who are seeking answers like you do. You seek answers, you seek, you know, and I and no offense, but I think sometimes that's gets you in trouble. Like, girl, you don't need to know why I'm that. Just handle it, right? You'd be like, no.

Candace Patrice 49:10

Because if I don't understand, I don't know how to get you know to the end. I'll be like, wait a minute. So right now I see three different paths. Which one am I supposed to go on? Let me ask a question. That'll help me narrow some things down. That's a that's a that's a real thing. I was one of my co-workers was teasing me and was like, you know, you and Tima, y'all be thinking y'all on the same page, and then all of a sudden, don't nobody know what nobody's saying, and y'all gotta figure out what y'all said. I said, I had to tell him, I said, well, you know, it's probably me because I be need, I said, when I hear information, my brain comes to like four or five different outcomes. So then I have to ask more questions to get to the outcome that I think that they're trying to get to and make sure that that's the one that they want to land on.

Janet Hale 49:57

And I'm, you know what, you help me with that. Because I used to be that girl. Which girl? This one. I need to. I don't know. Because I want to do like I said, if I can spot it, I got it. And I get so irritated. I'm like, I'll say one word to you. Now, why did you say that? What happened? What is no? I'm not analyzing anything today. I'm not analyzing anything today. No.

Candace Patrice 50:22

Oh my god, Kamari is so good at it. She'll be like, she'll say something. Poor girl. Oh my god, I'm a freaking father. I'm my father. You know that man said the same thing a million times, right? My daughter has to live with me. I feel so you're doing it. Sometimes sometimes I actually look at her, I'm like, You're not listening no more. She'd be like, Sorry, mom, you just have so much to say. I was like, all right, I start to explain. I'd be like, Well, you know, because X, Y, and Z and such and such, such, such, and such and such. Although I just see her drift. I'm also a drifter. My uh lost will look at me and she'll actually now when we're talking sometimes, especially if it's a group setting, she'll look at me and be like, Candice, where'd you go? Where'd you go? She'll look at me and be like, Where'd you go? Where'd you go? And I was like, Oh, shoot, I left. I don't know where I went, but I'm back. Like my something adrift. I don't know, maybe it'll be a bird flying. I don't know, but I'll completely leave. Like mentally, though, my whole thoughts just and sometimes I can tell her where I went. I'll be like, oh, you know what? I was thinking about the coffee shop. And sometimes it's a word that triggers it, or it I don't know, but I'm working on that. I'm trying to be focused.

Janet Hale 51:39

Girl, sometimes I can't help it.

Candace Patrice 51:42

Working be working is living.

Janet Hale 51:44

I I get tired, I get tired of watching you work on shit. I'll be like, Jesus, girl. A bird flew past my window, and right about there, he slowed.

Candace Patrice 51:57

And then I looked it up and I found out there's a spiritual meaning for a slanted left of a blue jay.

Janet Hale 52:02

And she would told the spirit in there and Jesus.

Candace Patrice 52:04

You know what? Because remember, I was telling you how much dad has been with me. So I was sharing that with somebody, and the girl goes, Have you been seeing red cardinals? See? All I'm saying is look at it with her t-shirt. God is dope. What is it? Faithful.

Janet Hale 52:18

God is dope, faithful. It's a gray hoodie with pink. That's okay.

Candace Patrice 52:22

I hang out.

Janet Hale 52:22

I hang out with a bunch, a lot of uh these folks.

Candace Patrice 52:26

Uh-huh. Okay, we gotta go. We gotta go. You guys got some good insight today. I love when it's you and I to be able to have these conversations.

SPEAKER_02 52:37

Yeah.

Candace Patrice 52:38

Because really, y'all just get the eavesdrop on our conversations. We really be having things to say, and I hope that you guys hearing us work through our things and talk about our life, real experiences that we go through, actually resonate with some people, and you can take it and take the best possible principal outcome because how we do it may not be the way you do it. And that's cool. It's about listening to the fact that we try to honor each other, respect each other, communicate. It's it's the deeper things that I'm hoping you all get from it, not the actual actions that we take, unless that works for you too. But you know, whatever it is, it's your journey, and your journey should be respected. And that's that. You have anything you want to say to the people?

Janet Hale 53:30

Yeah, because she just analyzed all of that. I hope you guys enjoyed it, like on your bike, doing your exercises, washing your dishes, oh driving in your car. Okay, we just chilling. Let me go get a dictionary.

Candace Patrice 53:46

Chat TBT, analyze this conversation for me, please.

Janet Hale 53:52

Right.

Candace Patrice 53:52

What did you gather? What are the five key points?

Janet Hale 53:55

What did you gather from that?

Candace Patrice 53:57

All right, well, guys, uh, you know, Instagram, Facebook, Essential Motivation, Candace Patrice Motivates Instagram. I know I got all these different handles. I keep switching it up, but just just put in essential motivation. Go to the website. Everything's there. Essentialmotivation.com. Very nice.

Janet Hale 54:15

Candace, your website is oh, thanks. I updated it again like two days ago. Yeah. I need to update mine. I called to do change something. They said, they say, well, it's been a long time. I need to do, I need, I want to put something, the um women's confidence on there. I don't know, but you know, one day when you have a person. Patience to learn that platform, you mean? Not to learn.

Candace Patrice 54:43

No, it's not that hard. I figured that out. Okay, we'll talk about it. All right, guys. Uh, remember to always love hard, forgive often, and laugh frequent. Because laughter is the key to a healthy heart. I came up with that quote in college. All right, love you guys. Ideos, yeah.

Janet Hale 55:00

Wait, are you gonna do the 988?

Candace Patrice 55:02

Call or text 988, 24 hours, seven days a week for a suicide prevention lifeline. And now we're gonna end again with love hard, forgive often, and laugh frequent. All right, bye guys.