Essential Mental Healing
Essential Mental Healing
You Don’t Have To Be Soft To Be A Woman Who Heals with Lani Gonzales
It's Therapy Thursday!!
What if the most powerful thing you did this year was stop trying to be “soft enough” and started speaking with clean, direct honesty? That’s the energy we bring to a wide-ranging conversation with Lani Gonzales—former attorney turned hypnotherapist—on women’s intuition, subconscious healing, and boundaries that actually hold.
We trace Lani’s journey from high-achiever to embodied guide, and unpack a big mental health insight: talk therapy helps us name and cope, while hypnotherapy can locate root causes and rewrite the story beneath the surface. Lani breaks down the difference between meditation’s awareness and hypnosis’s agenda, and explains why not every nervous system needs the same approach. You’ll hear why some clients need activation before calm, how self-hypnosis works in daily life, and what changed after decades of cyclical suicidal ideation.
We also confront the myth that directness is “masculine.” Confidence is an embodied trait. Through archetypes—queen, warrior, sage, mystic—Lani invites women to claim a fuller range of power, including the season where leadership and wisdom become our primary contribution. Along the way, we talk sisterhood, co-regulation, and why being “triggering” can mean you’re modeling what’s possible.
Practical takeaways land hard and kind: don’t rush forgiveness; anger is a teacher of injustice. Use two simple phrases to stop mental gymnastics and invite repair: “That didn’t sit well with me” and “Help me understand.” If a line is crossed again, you don’t owe a speech—let your exit be the consequence. Emotional maturity doesn’t mean feeling less; it means noticing faster and choosing your response with integrity.
Lani shares how she works in focused three-session packages with integration homework, plus upcoming retreats and women’s groups designed to build resilience, purpose, and conscious business. If you’re craving clarity, community, and tools that reach deeper than willpower, this one meets you where you are—and walks with you to where you’re going.
If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs these tools, and leave a review so more women can find this conversation.
Lani Gonzales is a clinical hypnotherapist, former attorney, author, and subconscious performance expert who helps high-achieving women and leaders rewire limiting beliefs, regulate their nervous systems, and live more aligned, fulfilled lives. After leaving a 13-year legal career as a law firm partner, Lani now blends neuroscience, subconscious reprogramming, trauma-informed practices, and spirituality to support deep personal transformation.
Links:
https://www.instagram.com/lanigonzales.unlimited
https://www.facebook.com/gonzaleslani/
Host Candace Patrice
Co-host Janet Hale
visit the website at https://www.essentialmotivation.com/
visit the store at https://shopessentialmotivation.com/
Instagram instagram.com/essentialmotivationllc
visit Janet's website https://haleempowermentllc.com/
To be a guest on our show email me at candacefleming@essentialmotivation.com
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Suicide Prevention Lifeline 988
Music by Lukrembo: https://soundcloud.com/lukrembo
Provided by Knowledge Base: https://bit.ly/2BdvqzN
Hello, and welcome back to another episode of Essential Mental Healing, where I am your host, Candace Patrice, and joining me today is my lovely co-host, my mother, my beautiful mother. She's so beautiful. With her pearls on. Come on, pearls. All the time. How are you today?
Janet Hale:I'm good, thank you. Anything new? Good to be here. Anything new? I'm sorry. Anything new? Just becoming more and more centered, Ken. Just more and more centered.
Candace Patrice:That's good. That's good. Well, we have a guest with us today. Lonnie is joining us. And I'm excited to talk with Lonnie, especially because you center yourself with women. And that's what we kind of do too. I mean, yes, we we speak to all and we help all, but really connecting with women on a different level. So tell us a little bit about you. Get let the audience know who you are, someone who's never met you. Just let them build a beautiful picture of you.
Lani Gonzales:Ooh, a little bit about me. You are absolutely correct. I focus my practice on helping women, um, really touching into their intuitive wisdom, their intuitive power that we've been taught to forget. And what's really funny about that is uh I had an insecurity because I thought, well, if I want to help women, but I look at my own circumstances, my own past stories, this insecurity popped up and it said, you want to lead women, but women don't like you. And I remember growing up as a little kid, I grew up poor, so I didn't have like polypocket and makeup and like toy jewelry. So I didn't get invited to like the sleepovers, and I didn't have close friends as that were girls when I was growing up. And even in high school, I wasn't popular. I didn't have girls flocking to me, and I still wasn't invited to those things. So then to reach this stage of my life where I'm called to help women, there's that insecurity within me that said, You really think that you can help women when you've spent your whole life not being accepted by women? And when I tapped into my own intuition and my own uh deeper knowing, it said, There are women just like you. There are women who feel like they're not quite fitting into certain places, that they don't find their places just quite right, kind of like you. So you're not meant to serve every woman. And that is what I say. I am not meant to serve every woman. I think that all women, we can collectively help and heal each other, witness each other, honor each other's stories, but I do recognize that the medicine I have may not be the medicine for every woman. So the woman that I try to help has a journey similar to my own where you've done the work, you've gone to counseling, you've read all the self-help books, you meditate, you do all those things, you've checked every box on that list of things you're supposed to accomplish, but yet you feel like there's more. Um, and that's a journey I've taken for myself. So I became a lawyer at 23 years old. Uh, and I became a partner after that. And despite achieving all of the success and having all the things I was told I wanted, I felt this ache and this emptiness. And it wasn't until I stepped into my true purpose, found my voice that I was really able to feel whole and embodied as a woman. So um, that's the medicine that I deliver to the women um in my community and my circles. And I'm hoping to share with your audience.
Candace Patrice:Are you still a lawyer? Or are you still practicing law? I'm sorry.
Lani Gonzales:I am not practicing law, so I've kept my license. Fun story, I actually deactivated it temporarily so that I would not go back. So for the people who have ever made those big life shifts, let's pretend it's not even a career, even relationships. There's always that part of you that goes, I know this is for the best, but and you kind of turn around and look over your shoulder. And one of the things I did for myself is like, we won't turn around. We won't look back because it's so easy as an entrepreneur with a really big dream to get afraid and go, oh, but it was safer over there. So I kind of cut my safety rope and I deactivated my license for a little bit while I built my practice so that I would not go back. And I do have my license active now. Um, the reason being is number one, I do find that when women tap into their purpose and their power, they have a dream that they might want to turn into a business. So um I do business consulting and I help them navigate how to turn their dream into a profitable venture, which is very helpful when you have a license to help them navigate that and look at contracts. But also being really honest, I worked really hard for that law degree. Uh I have blood, sweat, tears, student debt from that degree. And that is something that will always be part of me. So even though it was a weapon that I used to hustle and grind, it's still something that I choose to carry with me today. And one of the things I say is it feels like in my mind I've always sharpened the sword of this skill, this logic, this discipline, this fierce person who is a lawyer. And I carry my sword. And if the battle comes to me that is worthy and noble, I have a sword that I'm able to wield instead of just throwing it away. And the reality is there are a lot of things going on in our world which might require us to actually take a stand and pull out that sword. So um there's this concept that I love when we talk about peace and being peaceful. Being peaceful does not mean weak. That does not mean having no weapons or skills at your disposal. I choose the peaceful path, but not all people respect peace. So I have that law degree. For those who do not respond to peace, I'll give you something else to respect.
Candace Patrice:You said a lot. Yeah, clock that. Um, okay. Uh a couple of things I heard. Um, the not looking back. So there is a scripture that talks about or a story that talks about um, I think her name was Sarah. I I'm not really good with quoting things, so just hear me out. Um, but she was, God told her to keep looking forward and she looked back and turned into salt. And so I use that story um for me for the same purpose of not looking back. I'm like, I don't want to turn into a pillar of salt. Why would I want to do that? So moving forward, um so that was really good. I loved hearing that. And then also the tools that we have. Like I have an undergraduate degree in acting, and then I have a master's in business, both of which I'm like, it's cool. They in the past. However, since everything is used for our good, how does that training help me in the now? So, like when we do conferences, the arts is always incorporated. I have a background in art. Speaking, being able to speak well and not being afraid. That acting degree just comes right to the forefront. And then when it comes to finances, I can I can handle and matriculate things very, you know, um precisely and intricately because one, I just love it. I actually went to school for accounting simply because I love numbers and just wanted to keep doing numbers. So that was that. But it's a tool at the end of the day. Not that I have to be an accountant. I learned a skill that I could utilize in the right now. So hearing you talk about that, and then just the peace part. Not everyone respects peace. And it doesn't mean that you're not gonna use your tools with peace. You know, it's okay, well, here we are. Now we have to take this peace plus facts and utilize them in a way that equals the justice, I guess, at the end of the day, your own justice in good, you know, using it for good. So that was really good too. But I heard you say that women didn't like you. What does that mean? And what does that look like? And what is your conclusion of the why?
Lani Gonzales:Oh, so these are all these stories, right? So what I tell people is let's say you have a dream, which mine was to help lead and heal women, but there's hesitation, there's friction, there's procrastination. One of the reasons that happens is because some part of us is not on board. And I will tell you this: if you are in alignment, if every single part of you says yes to something, then it flows. It's more free-flowing and it's easy. If there's some hesitation, there's a story there. There's some part of our mind or spirit or soul that doesn't feel safe in the path we're trying to take. So I stopped for myself and said, What is this? And really what I looked at it was and reframing it, it's not that women don't like me. In the past, when I was a little girl, I didn't relate in the same way that other little girls were taught to relate. And that's probably a good thing. I grew up poor. My family, uh, we were a legal immigrant at some point in time when we came to the United States. So, no, I didn't have polypocket and I didn't have all the toys. So I didn't learn how to relate in that way, but it gave me the resources to relate and think in a different way. A family actually donated encyclopedias to us, and I would read encyclopedias as a child. So that got me thinking critically and thinking about bigger things at a really young age. So it's not that I could not relate to little girls, I just didn't have the tools at that time, and then transitioning um into high school, where high school is tough for a lot of people, uh, and really finding your place and finding your tribe. It's okay if you don't peak in high school, and it's probably a really good thing. And now that I look at where I'm at now, and I can be incredibly honest, and I've had two women say this to me, and I thought it was so interesting. Uh, they've said, I notice when you speak, people listen to you. It's because you talk like a man. And I thought that was incredibly interesting, and I inquired about it further. And what they were referring to is that a lot of women are taught to communicate in a way that is passive. A lot of men are taught to communicate in a way that is more direct and straightforward. So, for example, a man might say, I want to go here for dinner. A woman might be saying something like, Well, I'm not really sure, but remember that one time they went, we he we went here and you really liked it and we had a good time. Maybe it'd be nice if we went there. It's a roundabout way of asking for what you want without saying what you want because we weren't taught to do that from the get-go. So when a woman speaks in a way that is more direct, more confident, a lot of times we associate that with speaking like a man. So I get that there is some confusion there. And what I try to teach people is confidence and directness is not a male trait. That is an embodied trait. That is a trait of people who know their power. It's not anything to do with gender. So I recognize now, and women have said this to me, uh, my presence is very triggering. And stepping back, what that means to me and my interpretation is when you see a woman who fully embodies her power, and she wields it with grace, she wields it with intuition, and she just shows up as all that she is, you're gonna look at her, and you'll either be inspired to do the same, or those insecurities as to why you can't rise to that level start to show up as well. So um I think it can be a positive thing to be a person whose mere presence triggers something within you, but it's not easy to be next to, and that's something that I can completely understand. I always say this I'm not for everybody, I'm not supposed to be for everybody, but if you show up, your people will find you.
Candace Patrice:You know, um I like hearing you talk, I like the language that you use. To me, it sounds healing. Um and I think the directness of it is very healing. I think the word choice that you use um eliminates a lot of opinion and from what I am receiving. And I'll, you know, my brain works differently than someone else's. And that's fine too. Like you said, um, you're you show up, your tribe will find you, and there's a group of people who like the way you talk. I happen to be one. Oh, thank you.
Lani Gonzales:And I see that for all people, there will always be people who like the way you talk, who like the wings show up, who like you exactly who you are. And what I found, and this is also a very um conditioned trait in women, I know how to show up just right. Think of like Goldilocks and the three bears. You you might be too hot, you might be too cold. So I learned how to play that game. And I knew how to take that part of me that would be liked using my sense of intuition and reading people and like, oh, in this room, this is the version of me that they like. In this room, they're like this other version. And while it's nice to be liked, at some point in time you have to go, but I don't feel seen. And I constantly felt this feeling of always alone, even though I had all these people around me who loved and adored me and thought I was great. But in the back of my mind and in the front of my heart was, but they don't know you. They know a fraction of you, and you are not held in entirety by anybody because you don't show them all of who you are. So being able to show all of those pieces of who you are is incredibly important if you want to be helped. And even in my transition from lawyer to hypnotherapist, I had a friend, very well intended. He said to me, Well, I know you're single, but I think it's going to be easier to find a partner now that you're no longer a lawyer because you'll be less intimidating to men. But the reality is, even if I'm not in the office and I don't put Swire behind my name, I am still incredibly powerful, outspoken, driven, ambitious. That doesn't change because I changed my office. So um, but one of the difficulties that I personally found is, you know, this hypnotherapist, she's this soft, intuitive, nurturing person. That's one facet of who I am. And we can't abandon the other facet, the one that knew how to wipe the floor um with men with little egos. Just that was my job as a lawyer. That woman still exists. And if you don't feed her, you're not feeding part of who you are. So it's about taking all of who you are, all of your chapters, all of those parts of you, and can you create a body of work that honors all that you are?
Candace Patrice:I like you, Lonnie. That's all I got.
Janet Hale:I do have a question. You mentioned hypnosis. Yes. Um, and my question is this what's for you the difference, and why did you choose hypnosis over talk therapy? I don't know if that has anything to do with hypnotes or anything.
Lani Gonzales:So I could have gone the traditional route of talk therapy. My bachelor's degree was in psychology, and I could take it a step further. Um, but the reason I sought out hypnotherapy is because it was life-changing for me at one point in time in my life. So um, I started having suicidal thoughts around the age of 10. Uh, at my eighth birthday party, I witnessed my grandfather and he decided to end his life. And that put inside me that notion of ending your life and depression. And around 12 years old, when uh puberty happened and I started having periods, every single month, I would have suicidal ideations. And I fought suicidal thoughts every month for decades.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Lani Gonzales:And I went to counseling, and counseling is incredibly helpful. I don't dismiss counseling. Um, counseling is good because it gives you vocabulary to identify what's going on. Counseling is good because you allow yourself to be witnessed by another person without shame. Um, counseling is good because you get an outside objective perspective, uh, because we all have these blind spots, kind of like cars. No matter how nice the car is, it always has a blind spot, same with people. So counseling is helpful in that way. However, counseling is the first step because you talk about your conscious, logical thoughts that you know about in counseling. That's 5% of what happens in your mind. Over 95% of what happens is subconscious programming. So you're really only scratching the surface. So for myself, when I was going to counseling, it helped me cope with the pain that I had that brought on suicidal thoughts. So every month when it happened, I learned how to cope. I learned how to self-soothe. I learned all of these tools so that I never took it any further, but I still held that pain. So counseling helped me cope and hold that pain. Hypnotherapy is what actually taught me how to put it down. So after one hypnotherapy session, my suicidal thoughts were completely gone overnight. So that's something that I believe in. I think hypnotherapy and counseling can go hand in hand together. Um, but I decided to take that path because of how effective it was for me. Um, and also it's something that I practice in my everyday life. Self-hypnosis and meditation can really get you centered and get you to elevate your energy as well to attract the things in your life that you really want.
Candace Patrice:Self-hypnosis. I'm sorry. I heard that. And what does that mean? How do you do that? Really? Yeah. Come on, true. I've done it.
Janet Hale:I've done it with you before, but go ahead.
Candace Patrice:So wait, I'm sorry. So it's different from meditation.
Lani Gonzales:Yes. Okay. So I will say the intention behind it and the skill behind it is slightly different. So the difference between hypnosis and meditation. Meditation, a lot of times, meditation's intention is just awareness. Um, for the people who have just started their meditation journeys, a lot of people think meditation means completely clearing out your thoughts and you're completely empty. Not necessarily. Meditation, one of the things is to be really aware of what's going on, to be the observer. So you can still have thoughts and feelings and sensations, but you're observing all of those things with a sense of detachment, even neutrality from it, so that you can look at things from a different framework. Hypnosis has an agenda. So you're still in that same framework where you are working in that data break. Wave state, so a slower brainwave state. But instead of merely just observing, there is an agenda there. We're trying to find the root cause of why you do what you do, why it hurts the way it does. And we shift it and we reprogram it and we put in new stories instead. So the way I think of it is meditation is a bit broader, where hypnosis has a very specific agenda. A lot of times you go to a hypnotherapist like myself to teach you how to go through that. Um, but when I work with my clients, I teach them self-hypnosis as well so that they can use those tools in their everyday life.
Janet Hale:Go ahead. I have a question. So with um have you had someone who just you just couldn't get, they would just couldn't do it?
Lani Gonzales:No, they could not. But never I will say this uh there is a traditional way of doing hypnotherapy that they did in the 60s and 70s that became very popular. And you might see, and this is all a little cheesy, where they count you down and they have their voice soften and they slow it and 10 and 9 and 8, and you're getting sleepy and you're tired. That's one way to do hypnotherapy that works for a certain type of person. If someone is incredibly anxious and uh they're incredibly wired, telling them to relax does the complete opposite. It makes them feel not relaxed and paranoid and feeling like they can't do it right. So I use different techniques for different people. Um, so uh instead of calming down the nervous system, one of the things I do to engage in the hypnotherapeutic process is I activate their nervous system. So, okay, you're anxious, you feel something in your body, let's make it bigger and louder, and we'll work from there, which is usually easier for people who can't calm their minds. So um hypnotherapy is something that can be effective for a lot of people, but it you have to have the right tools for the right person and what their circumstances. I will say the caveat to this is I can't help you if you're not ready to be helped. Um, I have a lot of clients who uh have had a lot of changes and a lot of healing through hypnotherapy. So they're like, I want you to help my brother, I want you to help my kid, I want you to help my partner. And I tell them that I can't if they're not in that place. So uh it works if they're ready and willing to make it work.
Candace Patrice:Do you do long-distance hypnotherapy?
Lani Gonzales:I do. So, as long as you have a safe and quiet space, we can certainly do hypnotherapy. It just has to be a place where you're relaxed and undisturbed. So some people prefer it because they have like the comfort and predictability and safety of their own safe space.
Candace Patrice:What was your refining moment and what did it look like? And when did it happen?
Lani Gonzales:Ooh, what my refining moments. Oh, that's an interesting question. I because I feel like I'm always trying to be refined. Um, I gotta think about that a little bit. My refining moment, I will I'll answer it this way. My refining moment as a hypnotherapist is realizing that what I want doesn't matter. And when I would see my clients, I see all of the potential that they have. And I'm like, oh, I know what you're capable of. And this is the outcome that I hope to give you. And detaching from that and realizing that they are where they are on their journey, and the outcome is not what I want and not what I expect. Because there were moments where a session is about to end and they're gonna open their eyes soon. And I'm like, oh my God, I didn't do a really good job. That was terrible, that's not life-changing. But then they open their minds and they're like, wow, that was powerful. And I'm like, really? Was it? Because I've seen people have other like huge shifts, but in that moment for them, that was the exact shift that they needed. So learning, refining in my process, that it's not about what I want to deliver, it's about what they need in that moment in time. Um, I will say refining myself as a woman is a work in progress, but realizing that what we have been taught about what a woman should look like is incomplete. So when we talk about um women and we talk about what a woman is, a lot of times when you think of a woman and her feminine energy, a lot of people will say she's soft, she's gentle, she's nurturing, she's receiving. But when you look at archetypes, for example, Carl Jung, when he talks about the archetypes of women, there are seven. And we don't acknowledge anything beyond the two that we know, which is the mother, which is that nurturing, soft energy. We also acknowledge that archetype of the young woman, the maiden who is open. She's someone who is willing to be led and is curious. There's five other archetypes that he acknowledged, and there's more than that, but the five other ones are part of what it means to be a woman. The queen, the warrior, the one who knows her worth, the will, the one who's willing to fight for her worth. So when I looked at what it meant to be a woman, part of me thought, well, I'm not as soft as other women. I don't speak as um indirectly as other women do, but that doesn't make me less of a woman. And what it really is, is how can we embody all of those stories about what it means to be a woman? And when I realize that, that just because I don't fit into the two archetypes that we honor, the maiden and the mother, doesn't mean that I'm not a woman. There is the warrior, there is the queen, there is the sage, there's the mystic. And we, as women, we ebb and flow through which one is warranted, which story, which part of us is needed in this moment in time. So being a woman does not mean you have to be soft. And one of the things I show women is you look at your teeth, you can smile and you have this really nice, pretty smile, but you run your tongue across your teeth and you've got canines. You were born to bite. You can be beautiful and you can bite at the same time. So having that awareness really helped me refine myself about what it meant to be a woman.
Candace Patrice:How do you protect yourself from people who try to define you as something other than what you know you are?
Lani Gonzales:Ooh, I think it's really important to define yourself first. To define yourself before anybody gets the opportunity to do it for you. And that really involves a lot of self-reflection and a lot of confidence in that. And part of defining yourself sometimes means seeing something that has yet to come into fruition. So, for example, you can define yourself as a powerful, resilient woman, even if your present circumstances don't dictate that and want you to believe something different. So it's about really choosing to define yourself first. And that's incredibly challenging because from the moment you are born, you are defined by other people. And the easiest example that I can give you is if you go to a toy store and there are toys for girls and there's toys for boys, there's pretty pink mirrors and makeup sets and all of those pretty things, those were not designed for little boys. So from the moment little girls start interacting with the world, they are taught how to define themselves by their reflection. And then you give little boys building blocks and construction things and like little G.I. Joe's, they are taught to build and conquer and to explore. So from the moment you are born, you are being told who you are. But the beauty of where we are now, with the resources we have now, with the conversations we're having, like this conversation, you can step back and go, what stories have I been handed? Which ones serve me, which ones don't? So uh when we talk about defining ourselves, understand from the moment you are born, they have taught you how to define yourself, but you have the power at any point in time to rip up those pages and write a new story.
Candace Patrice:My mom was really big on that when my daughter was born. Get her a truck. Let her play with other toolboxes. Yeah, I meant that. Yeah, to I think, well, correct me if I'm wrong. Um, because of the whole standard thing of girls and boys, and it's like a toy is a toy, and a human's a human, and we get to practice all the tools. So it am I wrong? Am I right about that one?
Janet Hale:Oh, it was more than just the tools, though. It was about your station in life. It was about not putting you in a box, it was about you being able able to explore and be who you are, which you're doing all the time. And um, just all the things where you can fit in wherever you go. Like no one, and you pretty much live that way. Well you go where you go, and you're I think you're better at it than I am. Right? She gave me tools. Yeah, thank you for that. But I was oh man, listening to being self-aware and how we evolve, right? And I think for me, and I noticed you talked about women and liking women and you know, all this thing growing up. I for me when I hear that conversation, it's interesting. Because I can and I hear it a lot. I didn't women didn't like marriage. I didn't like women. And I remember for me always getting comfort from women. Right? And then if I didn't get the comfort from the folks closest to me, relatives, I always found other women, you know, to just hold me. And you know, I'm getting older, like they're dying off, you know. I gotta figure that one out. But you know, but I'm just just the other day, I called someone, you know, Candace Noah, mama, Shirley, and we were talking, and I was just just a small conversation, and it turned into such a loving conversation. I felt cared for. I it just it feels good. And so be finding, you know, defining who I am and figuring out who that is has been just taking years of different events or the therapy or all the things to help me understand and to continue to learn that the people pleasing for me, Janet. You don't have to people please. The people will find you, right? And my P and I talk to Candace often and say, girl, I think I found my people. Yeah, I found my village, I found my weird people, and just to be able to be free in that so that we can flow in this life that we're living, you know? Yeah, so that self-defining piece I find very interesting and quite a loving adventure to oneself, or at least to me.
Lani Gonzales:I love that. All women need women, and even if you are not uh stereotypically, I'll give you an example. I don't drink wine, I've never watched like The Housewives or Bravo or anything like that, but that doesn't mean that I don't need other women, and that doesn't mean I can't relate to other women who have other interests. So just because you don't wear dresses, just because you don't love pink, that doesn't mean that you aren't any less of a woman who has the same wants, the same struggles, the same needs as any other woman. So I always invite other women to consider that. And how can we relate to our sister across from you beyond what they wear, beyond what they do on the weekend, beyond what they do after work. We all have those same relational needs that men do not understand. So sometimes it just feels nice to be in the presence of another woman who understands things that you don't have to overexplain. So I do believe all women need other women. We can be mirrors for each other. It's incredibly healing simply to be around other women.
Candace Patrice:You know, um, you were talking about the different arc archetypes earlier. And mom, when I heard you talking about seeing other women, the more you sought other women, the more examples of different archetypes you get to see. So it creates this full woman, this full embodiment of a woman. But I also heard you um talk about, you know, people dying off and what do you do with that? I was thinking the other day, I keep making this joke about who gave me the authority to be somebody's mama. Like, we need a mama over here to come and help us. Like, somebody needs to give us direction. Somebody needs to say, Candace, do X, Y, and Z so that I can then in turn do it for Kamari. But no, there isn't that. There is me. And I am the authority figure of this home. I am the leader. So as your people die off, you just get to become that person. Like when I talk to you about Granny, who's a hundred years old, I'm sure her friends. Okay. So, but what does that mean? She gets to be the leader of the women. You know, it's when we see her, she when I like I say, I need somebody to come and raise me, but you would be able to look at that example of a woman and carry it out for someone else, you know. That's what you're doing. You're the go-to. You're becoming the go-to woman. You're becoming the refined woman to look up to. You're becoming the model of how we should live our life. So I think as long, I'm not as long, I think as you continue to build these relationships with your tribe and your people, you get to become a stronger example, a stronger model. And I mean, I'm honored to be able to watch this. I'm honored to be able to learn from you, to see the model, to be able to take what it is that you have and have learned. And then the conversations that we have, you feed me to be able to say, huh, that part, like you said, like Lonnie said, that conversation was for me. That story I get to learn from. I get to take what you've given me and put those pieces into myself to say, huh, this feels good within me. This is something I get to showcase. This is something I've learned. It's considered wisdom. It's considered, you know, I get this knowledge so that I can go forth and one day be the woman you are to more women beneath me, you know. So I heard that.
Janet Hale:I don't know what I mm-hmm. I don't know what I said to make to to trigger that response. To no, no, to to not it's not to trigger the response, but for that to be the response. Because I that is who I am. Like I get that, but I'm saying I enjoy with the time that I have to have older women. Yeah. Right? And I and I understand my importance as a woman in her 60s. Oh, I love so I get that. I love men, I love men. Like, listen, really, really, like you said, mama's got your pearls on. Do I wear them every day? Every single time. Because guess what? Because you can, and you like pearls. Because I can. And I like pearls, even with jeans and t-shirts, it doesn't matter. But I under under, you know, so the getting older, and but I enjoy still having older women. Yeah. I'm enjoying that while I have it, right? But on the other hand, like you said, there are younger women, and when they gravitate towards me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then feeding them, they because time is passing, time is flowing, time is going. And so what I've experienced is done. So then there's this newness that comes. Even talking to you, Candace.
Speaker 2:I learn.
Janet Hale:Like, oh, you'd be like, and then mama. She doesn't like to help me on the computer, but that's all nothing. But other things, she's just like helping me, helping me, helping me, helping me. So yeah, it's it's just it moves, everything moves in rhythm. All of this is moving in rhythm until one day I will no longer be here. But I will tell you this when I'm gone, you can say, Mama did it her way. Mama had a good time. Mama got on my nerves and it's okay. So mama did it her way. And so for me, that's the beauty in embodying what a woman is. Because for me, this is woman for me right now. And it feels good.
Candace Patrice:And what made me say that is when you said, Everybody's dying, I don't know what to do with that. So when you said that I was like, Well, look, this is what you do with that. Now I feel like Lonnie, like, was she actually wanting to hear that or not? You know, did I just over invite that?
Janet Hale:But that's who you were, no, no, just to clarify, you know, to clarify. That's all. It was like Yeah, about menopause.
Lani Gonzales:And a lot of times we are taught that the value of a woman is that she can give birth and she can give life. And the moment that she no longer is capable of giving birth and giving life, she's no longer as valuable. And there is actually a notion, if you look at the concept of menopause and which animals actually experience menopause, they are matriarchal societies. What does that mean? That the value of a woman, sure, at some point in time, one of the highest things she can do is to give birth to a new life, which is incredible if you think about it, right? There is a new soul, a brand new life, and you're creating it, and that's beautiful and wonderful. But then there comes a stage where our bodies are no longer designed to do that. And in the societies or the animal structures where these females are no longer giving birth, they are leading the tribe. So at one stage, maybe it was your role to give life, but the next role is in order to lead that life so that it carries on and that wisdom survives. So it's not that the value of a woman is necessarily just to give birth and create life. Eventually, the value of a woman is to teach people how to lead better lives.
Candace Patrice:Lonnie, how do you do it? Oh that's actually, yes. How do how do you practice forgiveness?
Lani Gonzales:Oh, how do you practice forgiveness? Step one, and I'm gonna be so transparent with you, I'm gonna say something maybe other people don't say. Step one is don't offer the forgiveness. Sometimes, a lot of times, and this is with women, where we are the people pleasers and we want everybody to get along and we want peace. So then we are wronged, we are violated, and we rush to forgive, or we push ourselves to try to forgive, move forward, and let go, and then we judge ourselves. Else for not being able to do it. Maybe, just maybe, where you're supposed to be right now is anger. Anger is an incredibly healthy emotion that women are not taught to hold. Anger is the emotion of injustice. It teaches us when we are wronged and violated. That is our body's activation when we have been violated. So I don't encourage people to necessarily rush to forgiveness. If your body feels anger, listen to that anger, honor that anger. What does it have to say? And eventually, once that anger is heard fully and completely, that teacher recognizes that you've learned a lesson, it'll naturally go and you'll be able to open that door of forgiveness a little bit easier. So the step one, before you even entertain the idea of forgiveness, honor how it feels in your body to be in that moment. It is okay to be angry. Sometimes anger is righteous and it teaches us that we need to build better boundaries, have a stronger voice, maybe remove people from our lives. So when we are ready to transition from that point of understanding all our feelings to entertaining the idea of forgiveness, it really is seeing that we are all connected to each other and we are all just doing the best we can with the resources that we have and being able to understand, asking yourself questions like, well, maybe I've never done anything like that. But I'm sure there are instances where you haven't been your very best version of yourself. I am sure there have been instances where you acted rational irrationally or rashly. So being able to put yourself in the shoes of that other person and being able to fully understand that we're all just trying to do the best we can with what we have. And even taking it a step further and recognizing their actions, their behaviors have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. And that's their healing that they need to do. So I'm not going to hold on to that pain or that resentment. I'm going to let you have that. I am me, you are you. I let go and I walk away whole and in peace and not holding on to whatever pain or suffering someone has caused me. So uh I think it's a multiple-step process. But one of the things I really urge people to consider is you do not need to rush forgiveness just because it keeps the peace. It might keep the peace externally, but if you're at war with yourself internally, you do not need to rush forgiveness.
Candace Patrice:So forgiveness, and what I'm I think I heard you say is about having an inner resolve first so that you can actually forgive. Do you find am I correct in that? Sure, yeah, I think do you find that your way of thinking and your tools and everything that you've processed over the years um has you slow to anger? Do you find yourself angry less? Maybe that's the question.
Lani Gonzales:No. Um, I find that I am all the emotions more. The more that I get in touch with myself, I'm happier more, I'm passionate more, I'm joyful more, I'm angrier more, and I'm quicker to realize all of my emotions. But what that means, that doesn't mean that my emotions take the lead. I hear them, I honor them. I am the observer of my emotions, just as I am the observer of my thoughts and behaviors, and I can choose how I wish to respond. So being more self-aware, being more at peace, being more healed does not mean that you get less angry. It means that you can see that anger, spot it quickly, and understand the wisdom behind it sooner.
Candace Patrice:I freaking love it. Go ahead, Ma. It looked like you can say it's a good thing. It's not, right? Just jump in here as dad was saying, jump in there with it.
Janet Hale:You know what? In this whole podcast, what you just said was what I needed to hear today. And I and I'm gonna say this because you hit it, in my opinion, yeah, with this. Oh, I forgive. Oh, you know, I'm supposed to forgive, right? Like, no, no, sometimes I need to be upset. And it's okay. And I think sometimes people get caught up in this. Well, I need to forgive because if I forgive, then that makes me okay, and then that makes me look a no, no, no. When we're when I'm angry, and Candace knows this, I'ma feel this anger. Like, I need to feel it. Now I I need to wrestle with it, whatever it is, figure out what hurt me. What assault was there? What happened? Yeah, why does my nervous system get all out of whack? Yeah, what is that about, opposed to, oh, you know, I forget. No, I need to figure some things out. And it's okay to do that. And it's okay to process things because I'm finding that people are just so quick to, well, I'm supposed to forgive, so I forget. No. If you're still sitting in that and it's still sitting in there, I think that's more damaging. But you're the professional.
Lani Gonzales:Yeah. And when we talk about sitting with it, and you also mentioned internal resolve, there's more to that, right? So what you described sometimes goes to the point of what I call mental gymnastics. And I'm not doing mental gymnastics for anyone. So I give people simple phrases, and here's a simple phrase that you can use whenever you have a feeling like anger or something big that you are so in upset, but you can't quite identify the right word. Hey, this thing happened, it didn't sit well with me. You don't necessarily have to identify the exact emotion because sometimes we don't have the vocabulary for it. But what we know is something in us is stirring. Hey, this happened, it didn't sit well with me. Here's the next phrase that you can use. Help me understand. Yes. So it's a way that is direct, and a lot of women don't like confrontation. So what they do is something happened. Then they sit with it and they fester and they internally process. And there is this saying, which I do not love. They say, Oh, women are crazy, and they just blow up. No, women have big emotions, they were not allowed to express, and it internally festers until it bubbles over. And what you see looks chaotic and crazy to you, but really it's a natural response to having an emotion, holding it inside. When it festers, it gets bigger and it just oozes out. So to avoid that altogether, yeah, there is a certain internal process, internal dialogue that we need to have with ourselves about what we're feeling, but it's not ours alone to process. When it comes to human interactions, we are designed to co-regulate our nervous systems together. We are relational beings that are capable of loving, but also mending miscommunications and difficulties. So if you don't have the words, which a lot of women are not taught the words, I'm just giving you two that are really easy, that work in every situation, that didn't sit well with me. And the response might be, well, what did it sit well with you? And to the best of your ability, I don't know, but when X happened, it made me feel this thing in my stomach. It made me feel small, it made me feel unseen, whatever it is. Help me understand what happened. And then you don't have to let it fester. And you have somebody who, if they genuinely care about you, they will bridge that gap with you so you don't do the mental gymnastics and try to resolve it all on your own.
Janet Hale:And I and when you talk about that, I think sometimes what happens is for you know, some folks, is once you've expressed, you know what, whoa, that's made me feel really uncomfortable. Or however, we say what we say, and it continues to happen. I think sometimes folks get so used to their feelings being dismissed. You know, you're like, okay, you keep calling me the B word. Girl, every time we get together, you're calling me the B word. I don't like you calling me the B word. Girl, that's just what I say. I don't want you calling me the B word. But every time you see her, you're the B word. So, you know what I mean? So at some point, and you've said, you know, this makes me really uncomfortable.
Lani Gonzales:Yeah.
Janet Hale:We've had conversations about it. I'm not saying this is one of my stories. I'm just pulling something out the air. Um, when that when those kind of things happen, and you've did that, you know, I don't, you know, didn't like the way that felt. I didn't, you know, the tone. And it continues to happen. Talk, would you talk a little bit about how one move on from that when they've addressed it, addressed it, conversation back and forth, and it keeps happening in the anger, you know what I mean? Like you're trying to process it, but you keep putting yourself in the line of fire.
Lani Gonzales:Oh, my way and ultimate conclusion is a little bit of chop, chop, chop. And here's how I see this is it is incredibly important to try to build that connection with someone because a lot of times we have misunderstandings with people, and it's important to communicate. So let's say you communicate in a way that is clear. First of all, we have to make sure we are communicating in a way that's clear. There are some people who have a very avoidant attachment style, and they think they're being clear when they're incredibly vague. So, number one is are we really being as clear as we think we are? So let's say in your example where you say that you don't like that someone is calling you a certain term, even though that's just what they say to everyone, if you said, I don't like that. Or I'm not gonna answer to that, or you keep looking at them funny, and it's like, well, I kept looking at her funny and she keeps doing it. Was that really clear? Or are you going to tell someone, hey, that word, I really don't like it. It doesn't make me feel respected. And if you keep saying it again, it makes me feel like you don't value my feelings. That's being real clear.
Candace Patrice:And then throwing on the consequence. And I will remove myself from this environment if it keeps happening.
Lani Gonzales:Here's the thing is you don't even have to announce that. I don't like it. This and being really clear that it's not something that's okay with you. And the moment that it continues, you exit the situation. You don't owe anyone an explanation for your actions. And if they really want one, they can approach you. Hey, I notice you haven't been coming to my gatherings or I haven't heard from you in a while. What's up? Well, you know, every time I see you, I know you don't mean it in that way, but that word I find really offensive. And you kept using it over and over again. And maybe the response will be, oh my God, like I didn't realize you were that serious about it. I thought you were just because a lot of people have these very like they joke around. There's certain friend groups where it's like we joke around with each other, and the jokes are kind of funny because they're kind of hurt. So maybe they go, I didn't realize that. I am so sorry. So um, if somebody violates a boundary, you can exit. You don't even have to announce it. That is the natural consequence of a boundary not being honored, is backing away or exiting from the situation. And if they want more of you, then they can help repair that relationship with you. So it's not all on us as women to fix and heal everything that's broken. And what happens when we keep tolerating things that make us angry, now we're no longer just angry at them, we're angry at ourselves for staying in that situation. So that's when you know you really have to step out of it because anger that's reflected at ourselves, not only is that just heavy and hard, it can be toxic to our health as well.
Janet Hale:You mentioned joking, and it's something that Candace and I have in common. We do not like backhanded compliments. Or, you know, the nasty joke, and it's like, well, you just said something really, and it's a big laugh. And I appreciate that with her and I. We will not get involved in any of that nonsense.
Candace Patrice:But anyway, I'll just you know, when you just said that, I can really appreciate the convers, the hard conversations that we get through, and it's like, oh, okay, I'm not, I don't think I'm understanding because I, you know, this is this is still hurting, so I must not be understanding. And it's like we work hard to try to get through those moments, and I can totally appreciate it. And Lonnie, you know, um, the reason we do this podcast is to give people different perspectives, and kind of how you said you may not be for everyone, but there is someone you're for. Um, this episode is for someone. Your voice is for someone, and I'm totally grateful for you sharing your voice on this platform and just gracing us with this, all of this wisdom that you have. Um because I feel like we just got a whole free session that you probably charge people for. Well, I'm gonna be happy to be here and not even happy to share. Yes, thank you so much. Um, how do people find you? Uh, I don't know if you discuss rates on openly, but if you do, what does that look like? Is what does everything look like? And do you have anything coming up um after for next week and beyond?
Lani Gonzales:Yeah, so what does that look like? So people can find me on my website, it's LonnieGonzalez.com, or if you just Google Lani and hypnotherapy, I will eventually pop up. So I do work with people one-on-one, either in person or uh virtually. I do not do single sessions, I do them in packages of three. And the reason I do that is you'll get a lot of wisdom and clarity and healing in a session, but that is not enough for me. I want you to be able to use that and integrate it into your life and take action. So we do three sessions, and in between the sessions, you have homework, and I work with you on your homework so that you can actually practice the tools in your everyday life. So um I do not, for my new people, just do one session, make you feel good, and hope that you live a good life. That's not what I do. So I really work with people who want to change their lives. Um, I also do women's retreats. My next one is actually in September, and that'll be announced in March. Um, and I do in St. Petersburg, Florida, where I am, I host a women's group. Um, they meet uh twice a month. It's the Goddess Growth Collective. And I do women's wellness workshops as well, where um other wellness practitioners in the community come together and we give women these different resources to help them do different things. So um tomorrow we're working on burnout and breaking those cycles. In February, we are doing a workshop on why you love the way you do and those attachment patterns and looking at human design as well and embodiment practices. So all sorts of good things on the horizon. Um, I also believe in businesses as a force for good. So I have a group called Conscious Capitalism Alliance, where we come together and it is about having purpose and profit come hand in hand and regenerative business models that actually leave the world a better place. So those are all the things that I do. And if you go on my website, you'll find those things as well as free resources for people to get started.
Candace Patrice:Thank you. Thank you so much. Is there any last words? Because oh, this little hour just went on by.
Lani Gonzales:Last word, I will say, I'm willing to bet more likely than not that if someone is listening to this podcast, you are probably on this journey of self-discovery because you want to become a better version of yourself. Um, and I think one of the reminders is that we have to balance that desire to be better with honoring where we are and all the versions of who came before the version of who we are. So even though we want to improve, we're not trying to fix ourselves. Instead of saying I need to fix up myself because I'm broken, I want to know the deeper, best version of me. So it's not about fixing myself, it's knowing myself and embodying all that I was given in this life. So have a little bit of grace and patience for where you are in the journey. Thank you. Anything from you, mom.
Janet Hale:Thank you so much. It was really good talking with you. Oh, you're so um, and I appreciate your relaxed approach to this. Um, and I I'm noticing lately that's what's happening with the podcast, and I'm really thankful for that and appreciate you being here and sharing this space with us today.
Candace Patrice:Oh, I'm happy to be here. Thank you so much. And of course, if anybody is struggling, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or text 988-24 hours a day, seven days a week. Check your local resources if you need any any help with anything. If you're in Florida and you want to go in person, go see Lonnie. Um, but she did say she does online too. So click her link and see how you can get engaged if you want to do this work, this work of making the world a better place with your existence of being a better person, the best version of yourself that you can be, given all the tools that you have been given to the date of right now, being your highest self that you've accomplished so far, and striving as long as you have breath in your body to get as many tools in this lifetime as you can to contribute to the goodness of society. So that's my little skill for today. You can find us on Instagram, Candace Patrice Motivates, the website, essentialmotivation.com. Everything's actually on the website, so just hit the website. I'm really not good at this closing thing, all right. But always remember to laugh hard, forgive often, and laugh frequent. Thanks, guys.
Janet Hale:Bye bye.
