Essential Mental Healing
Essential Mental Healing
Relationship Fuel Tanks: Is Yours Running on Empty? Explore w/ Tannaz Hosseinpour
Tired of failed relationships? You might be asking one person to fill too many intimacy needs. In this deeply thoughtful episode, relationship expert Tannaz shares her transformative concept of the six intimacy tanks we all have: physical (non-sexual touch), sexual, emotional, experiential, intellectual, and spiritual connection.
Instead of expecting a single person to fill every tank, Tannaz encourages taking inventory of your relationships to identify who fills which roles in your life. When your partner lacks emotional capacity, who else can you turn to? Which tanks are non-negotiable for your romantic relationships? This perspective removes the crushing weight of expecting partners to "be everything" while honoring our need for community.
The conversation takes a powerful turn when Candace vulnerably shares her post-divorce experience with a situationship, revealing how honesty about what she could and couldn't give transformed a confusing dynamic into a nurturing friendship. "When I can't give you what you deserve, I need to be honest about that," she reflects, demonstrating how candor creates safety in relationships.
Tannaz, who left a law career after witnessing too many divorces, explains the crucial components of relationship healing: cognitive understanding paired with somatic bodywork to help our nervous systems feel safe enough for change. "We will always choose familiar chaos over unfamiliar peace," she notes, highlighting why we stay in dysfunctional patterns.
Whether you're single, dating, partnered, or married, this episode offers practical tools to evaluate your relationships and create more intentional connections. As Tannaz reminds us: "Your presence matters — you were born with a unique blueprint to share gifts with the world."
Tannaz Hosseinpour is a certified life coach specializing in relationships—both with oneself and with others. With an academic background in conflict resolution law and counselling psychotherapy, she blends neuroscience, psychology, and mindfulness to help individuals regulate their nervous system and build healthy, secure connections.
Explore more resources at minutesongrowth.com, where Tannaz offers a free ebook on nervous system regulation and consultations for those seeking relationship guidance.
Website: www.minutesongrowth.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/minutesongrowth
Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/minutes-on-growth/id1294464255
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6L0KjxeqLW0WFMsHVJnQe0
Host Candace Fleming
Co-host Janet Hale
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Hello and welcome back to another episode of Essential Mental Healing, where I am your host, Candace Patrice, and joining me today, of course, as always, is my lovely co-host, janet Hale.
Janet Hale:Hello, mother, hello hello, hello, happy Sunday, although you're going to hear it on Thursday.
Candace Patrice:It's definitely Saturday, mother.
Janet Hale:Oh, see it wouldn't, be a regular podcast if I didn't do something like that.
Candace Patrice:But happy Saturday, but it won't be Saturday for them. It'll be Thursday. It'll be Thursday. See, okay, there we go. You know we have to adjust like they do on the View day.
Janet Hale:See, okay, there we go. You know we have to adjust. Like they do on the View, they film their Friday shows on Thursday and sometimes they mess up. So that's one of those moments, okay.
Candace Patrice:We also have a guest today, and our guest is Tannaz Tannaz, tannaz, hi, tannaz, hi, candace, how are you today? Good, how are you? You know I'm doing well. I started some CBD oil yesterday because I have ulcerative colitis, so I have inflammation in my eyes. I also got infusions yesterday, so I'm not sure if I just like tripled up on everything, but it made me rest really well and so that was really good. So I'm doing good. But tell us a little bit about yourself, tanaz. Our guests know nothing about you, so let's give them a little bit about you. Tell us who you are, what you do.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Definitely so. I'm Tanaz, I'm based in Toronto, canada, and yeah, so my background was on dispute resolution, law and family mediation, so it's kind of on the reactive side of relationships. And there was a point, right after I finished school and I started like the process, where I was like I don't want to be here. Even though I've studied seven years, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be kind of in this space, this energetic space of people fighting over, you know, who gets the plate. And it's just it wasn't aligning with me energetically and so I took a break and I was like, okay, what am I meant to do? Like, first of all, how did we get to this point? How did we get to this point where people who are so in love when they get married are now fighting over the most mundane things?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:And at that time I was running a book club. I was living in Dubai, I was running a book club and one of the girls said have you heard of coaching? I was like, no, what is that? And so I went on Instagram. I typed coach. I was like I need to see what this is. And then I figured it out and we started this coaching program and once I got certified I kind of niched down on relationships because that was something that I really wanted to help people get on the proactive side of, and I'm a teacher archetype, so I love to take complex concepts, simplify them, and so that was eight years ago. And then three years ago I went back to school to get my master's in counseling, psychotherapy, to kind of have more tools to help both individuals and couples who work with me cultivate healthy relationships with themselves and with others. So that's where I am.
Candace Patrice:I heard you say you lived in Dubai. Yeah, yeah, I was raised there.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Oh wow, that's that. I heard you say you lived in Dubai, yeah yeah, I was raised there.
Candace Patrice:Oh wow, that's pretty cool. So one of the things that I found very interesting is that you talked about six different ways of intimacy, and I know I'm literally jumping straight into this, but I, we, we generally take up so much time and it happens so fast. The hour just flies by. I want to get there, but first I just I want to make sure that I've touched on how we doing today. Jannie, how you doing? I didn't ask you how you doing today um, I'm doing really good and I have.
Janet Hale:I was really touched by Tenas and when you talked about being in the energy of non-productivity for our souls and our spirit and whatever it is, and how, when we really take a look at that and make the decision like I deserve better and go for what's best for us, and I heard that and I was like, okay, I can get with that. So I am doing good. I am appreciating the relationships that I do have, especially the one with Candace. We had such a loving conversation yesterday and it was just she used me because she had a long drive. I get it. I had a whole book to listen to.
Janet Hale:No, no, no, no she had an hour and a half drive. She's like Mama and we're just having like this deep, beautiful exchange with one another.
Candace Patrice:Right after I get put over by the police.
Janet Hale:Oh, and then that was even beautiful, like let's just live life. And oh, and then that was even beautiful, like let's just live life. And so we were talking, and she was talking about the CBD oil, is it?
Janet Hale:And I was sharing with her how for me that I've, you know, no sugar because it's an inflammation in the body. You know what I mean Getting off the meat for me and that's just not hard for me. The meat part is not as hard as the sugar part. The sugar part is harder and the dairy and saying yes to my body Just big. You know what I mean. Like giving myself permission to be good to me. So that's been good. It kind of connected with my Candice because I had got tied up and busy and things and I had got tied up and busy and things and she's always tied up and busy and things, and for us to be able to connect, I slept extremely well after. Well, actually, I watched five hours of Grey's Anatomy because I realized I hadn't even watched one of them. I'm like what?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:am I doing?
Janet Hale:Oh my goodness, because I said whoa, what was I going through during that time?
Candace Patrice:But anyway, I don't want to continue on education, you know, for your doctorates.
Janet Hale:Yeah, we yeah. Cause right, my MD. Cause I need that to come in the mail, cause I watch grades, but anyway, so I um, you know I'm saying all that to say that I'm doing okay. I'm constantly evolving. I'm wanting to be the best version of myself in every moment. Am I always successful? Maybe not, but I strive for that. So that's how I'm doing. That was a whole lot, but that's how I'm doing.
Candace Patrice:You know, tanaz, listening to you talk about relationships and how people were once in love, and it was complex and it wasn't aligning with your energy and our hour and a half yesterday we actually got to share about our energies and how we're growing with each other, and she read a poem to me that is very near and dear to her heart, from Khalil Cabran, who talks about how your children come through you, but they're not yours.
Janet Hale:You know the poem? Yeah, I can tell.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Oh, wow, so do you have the prophet? Yes, of course yes. My mom would always say it to me. She would always say you came through me, but you don't belong to me.
Janet Hale:I don't own you.
Candace Patrice:Oh my goodness.
Janet Hale:Oh, look at us, look at this.
Candace Patrice:Oh, wow, okay.
Janet Hale:Tear. Oh, look at us, look at this, oh, wow.
Candace Patrice:Okay, teardrop, but sharing how we're growing and how she stood out to her, or at least that she was triggered by to read the poem and how. So she's looking to me to learn for the future, and now I'm looking to my daughter to learn for the future. And also, just I was sharing with her. She was like you know I don't know if you believe it or whatever and I was sharing with her how I was having a conversation with God and just asking if I could keep her. Like, please, let me keep her. I know she's not mine, but I want her, I want her so bad and I want to be here with her. So, please, please, please, let me keep her.
Candace Patrice:So you know, just that whole relationship and communication and the intimacy of parent-child. And even this morning I woke up and realized I had been holding on to an idea of the past opposed to manifesting something in the future, of a future relationship. And I was mind blown future relationship and I was mind blown so, uh, yeah, that was just an interesting and, I guess, a lining thing that had happened I also. So I got pulled over yesterday, um, and my headlight is out, and I was in Saginaw, which is an hour and a half away from here and immediately the office when he pulled me over on a two lane ditch kind of area. So I didn't know what to do. This has never happened to me, so I put my hazards on and I'm just so.
Janet Hale:I'm on the phone, by the way.
Candace Patrice:Yeah, and I'm like I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. So I pull up to an intersection, I kind of pull to the side because there's a little curb there, and as soon as he gets out of the car and I just go, I didn't know what I was doing. So that's why it took so long. He was like I was wondering and so I was like, yeah, but I just got.
Candace Patrice:I just went on about my night, how I went to go support an artist. I shared with him how there was a part of the jazz section where I thought about my deceased father. I could see him sitting there listening and you know I just shared my experience Now listening. And you know I just shared my experience now because I have ulcerative colitis, I have redness in my eyes. So he's like do you smoke, do you drink? And I'm like no. He's like okay, on a scale of zero being very sober, 10 being off the chart, not sober, what are you? I was like zero. I had two kids in the back too. And he's like, okay, he's still concerned because of this redness in my eyes. So I can't, I give him my license. I can't get into my register, my insurance, cause I'm logged out, don't know the password and my registration, I don't know where it is.
Candace Patrice:So he comes back to the car and he's like um, so is there anything wrong with your eyes? I go actually, yeah, so I pull out my prednisone. I say so, I pull out my prednisone. I said so, I take um prednisone for the inflammation of my eyes. I just had infusions today and I was like I could pull up my medical records for you. He's like uh, no, that's okay, just follow my finger. And so after I did the finger test, he's like okay, you're fine.
Candace Patrice:He's like, yeah, your eyes, by them being red, I just wasn't sure. He's like then you put it up to the stop sign. Because he had me move up. He's like put up to the stop sign real slow. I said well, I didn't want you to think I ran the stop sign, so I made sure I stopped, stayed and then went. So we just kind of had this beautiful exchange about what my night was like and he gave me a warning and let me go. So I really got to get that headlight fixed. But anywho, that's how my night and day and things have been and I think we're all caught up.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Tanez, anything you want to give us, anything you want to share with us, Well, I'm originally Persian and our new year coincides with spring equinox, so we had our Persian new year on Thursday, 5.01 am, eastern Standard Time, and it's been so lovely because traditionally we deep clean our homes and you know all the clothes that need to go to donation boxes, everything that needs to kind of like creating space for new energy, new, abundant, new, healthy energy light to come in. So and we celebrate with you know, friends and family, and we have a beautiful altar that we set up. So it's just been that energy of cleaning, releasing, purging and having faith and new, more empowering energy to come in. So that's what's been happening.
Candace Patrice:Oh, that is so beautiful.
Janet Hale:Happy New Year.
Candace Patrice:Thank you, yes, happy New Year. I think I'm going to clean today too.
Janet Hale:I know I was like dang.
Candace Patrice:I know, right, I'm looking around like and they can't see your background, but I can know I was like dang, I know, right, I'm looking around and they can't see your background, but I can. And I was thinking that from the time we were here, like man, it's so organized and clean back there.
Janet Hale:Yeah, hers is, and that picture is awesome, by the way.
Candace Patrice:It is. It's so lovely, right? Okay, thank you for sharing that with us. Okay, I guess now we can just see this is how it gets so long. We share, we connect, we build.
Candace Patrice:You know and I know the podcast people it's for guests and them listening, but it's also for us. It's also our time. It's our time to learn, it's our time to grow, it's our time to be better. We're constantly, as we shoot the podcast, growing and learning, which is why each episode is so different, because so much happens between the last episode and this one, the last guest in this one, and the knowledge that we've taken from all of the previous experiences in our lives and moving forward and creating the space to be able to learn and grow, right? So, oh my gosh, okay, I'm so excited. So, to that, I know I'm just super interested in those six different types of intimacy and why they matter. When I saw that come in, I was like I want to know more, share more. So please, please, please, if you don't mind us getting started there and then we can just kind of venture off wherever we end up. But could you share that with us?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Yeah, definitely so. When we think of intimacy, traditionally we think of, like, sexual or physical intimacy, but actually our bodies and our soul crave different forms of intimacy. Bodies and our soul crave different forms of intimacy. And so this idea that I have is this idea of six intimacy tanks, and I'd like to visualize my body like a car with, like, six different fuel tanks. And this is a really important concept because it allows us to be very intentional with our relationships, how they show up, and to kind of remove the pressure from one person to be everything for us. And now Dr Sarparell was talking about this a while back of why we're in this day and age where our husband needs to be our husband, our boyfriend, our partner, our best friend, our confidant, our do-it-all are too much. It's too much that we're putting on one person. It's the same way vice versa. If someone expects us to be everything for them all the time, it can feel overwhelming. It doesn't mean that there aren't those moments where that person is everything for us, where that person is everything for us, but we want to have different people in our circle that can fill these tanks when one person doesn't have the emotional capacity or the time to do it. So what are these six tanks?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:The physical. So physical is non-sexual touch. The person that you hug, hold hands, cuddle with. It could be a parent, it could be a sibling, a best friend, or even when we, like us Persians, when we greet someone we always do three kisses and a hug. So people that your body feels safe to engage in non-sexual touch with. Then we have sexual touch, and sexual intimacy. For monogamous relationships, that's your partner. For non-monogamous, there's more people than that, so that's those two.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:And then we go into the non-physical realm. So we have emotional intimacy. It's people that you feel emotionally safe with to discuss your feelings, to discuss your experience, your internal world, without judgment. So the conversation that you and your mom had yesterday is a sign of emotional intimacy being present there. So you guys were kind of fueling each other's tanks with that. Then we have experiential intimacy. These are people you experience life with. You go to a restaurant together, you go to a concert together, you travel together, and so sometimes people come to me and be like that friend of mine she's only there to go out and have dinner, but she's not there for me emotionally and I'm like that's the tank she's able and willing to fill. Is that enough for you? Shift the perspective from she's only doing that to she's filling a tank that maybe someone else doesn't have the capacity or the willingness or the desire to do. So that's experiential intimacy. We have two more. One is intellectual intimacy People will intellectually stimulate you.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Right now, the three of us are intellectually stimulating one another. We're sharing concepts, we're learning together, we're growing. It could be about history, psychology, life, anything, science, but it's those intellectually stimulating conversations. Maybe your boss is intellectually stimulating you, maybe it's your co-workers, your classmates, your children. Even so, that's intellectual. And then the last one is spiritual. So it's the people that you have deep spiritual connection with. It could be topics related to religion, spirituality, meditation, but it could also be your belief systems, your value systems. So having conversations around that.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:So, now that we have all six, I ask you know my clients and I'm even extending it to the audience now go through the list of people in your life, take inventory who fills which tank.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:So when, for example, let's say, for me, my emotional has my fiance, my mom, my brother and, like let's say, two of my best friends, if my fiance comes home and I'm realizing that external stressors are overwhelming him and I have something on my heart that needs to be seen and shared, I can realize that in that moment my fiance can't hold space for me. Great, I remember the list. I can go to my mom, I can go to my best friend, and so we lean into community. We realize, you know, people can fill different roles for us, and that's the beauty of life. And take it even a step further which roles am I filling for who? Who am I for other people? We always want people to be the best friend for us. Am I being the best friend or am I just in someone's life and not filling any of their tanks? We want to be intentional with our relationships with our relationships.
Candace Patrice:Are these six principles of intimacy? I'm probably saying that wrong. Are these six things that you came up with, or did you study these? Or is it something that you realized in your own self was the need and was able to pinpoint those?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:No, I've studied it. So there are concepts that have been grown over the years. First we had the four, and then we had the five and now we have the six. And it's a topic that I learned from Elizabeth Earnshaw. She is a marriage and family licensed therapist in the States. I love her. She just gave out her second book called Till Stress Do Us Part, and it's all about how external stressors impact our relationships. So it is a topic that is in the family and relationship therapy realm.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:But it's something that I have tested over the years and I have realized okay, it makes sense. And you know, I've taken it a step further myself and I've asked my clients ask yourself which ones are your non-negotiables when you're meeting someone, when you're meeting a partner. Because you know, for some people, let's say, maybe intellectual, they don't want to be intellectual, they're okay not being intellectually stimulated by their partner, perfect. For some, let's say, someone is asexual, maybe sexual intimacy is not a priority for them. So there is no one size fits all. But you got to ask yourself and be honest with yourself If I had to choose three that were my non-negotiable, that my partner needs to embody in some form or capacity, what would it be. And so you have more awareness going into that dating, that relationship, that friendship.
Candace Patrice:Was there a situation in your life so I know you were doing law and just the whole idea that people, you love these people and now it's we're fighting over who gets the cat, who gets the things in the home, who gets the car, who gets little minute things, the 401k and it's you know, all of these trivial things that make things horrible along a divide. Was there a situation in your life that made you say no more, no more? It? Was it caused something stressor in you or energy that really made you know this was it. That's the last straw.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:It wasn't one particular thing, but for me, I started studying spirituality around when I was 17. My mom was extremely spiritual and so she kind of helped me dive into this realm and I became a lawyer out of social conditioning, because, being Persian, you're either a lawyer, a doctor or an engineer. And so for me, after accomplishing that and being in that space where I felt it was the energy of conflict and conflict is good and relationship is good to have conflict, but constructive conflict and respectful conflict and collaborative conflict. I like to call it fighting fear. That element was missing and it was a very harsh energy for my soul. So I felt very constricted, I didn't feel expansive and it was impacting the way I was seeing the world. You know how they say like lawyers are, like they're pessimistic, they always see the worst case scenario.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:And that just wasn't the experience I wanted. I wanted to see the best case scenario. All my spiritual teachers were saying see the good in everything, see the light, see the blessing. So the environment just wasn't conducive for my soul. Of course, there are lots of great lawyers out there doing really amazing work, but for me it was.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:I don't want to be part of that. I want to actually help, and my parents were divorced, but they had a very peaceful divorce, and so I wanted to kind of come and say, okay, even if we want to separate, I have couples that I help them consciously decouple. But you know, on average, research shows us that couples take six years before they get help. So I want to kind of give couples the tools so that they don't feel that way, and also to normalize getting help. And so, yeah, it was just a shift. I'm an Aquarius, I love community, I love bringing people together. So I was like I want to be part of something bigger than that. I want to help people really have these fulfilling relationships and I want to make sure that I believe in relationships instead of believe that everything ends a part of the.
Candace Patrice:You want it to be the preventative opposed to the treatment. Yeah, how did your family respond to you becoming a coach? Because I heard you say be encouraging, the expectation is the lawyer, the doctor, the up here. So you made this switch and it's like what? How did your family and community respond to that?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Oof. My friends thought I was having like a midlife crisis. My parents were just like they didn't get it. My dad didn't get it, definitely. He didn't get it the first couple of years. He thought it's a hobby. He's like, okay, she'll come around. And then I think it subsided. Their fears subsided when I went back to school for my master's in counseling, psychotherapy. So they're like okay, there's like an academic degree now associated to it.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:But when I finished that, I remember my mom was like both my parents were like so when are you getting your PhD? And so I realized you know what this is. Just their conditioning, bless them. It's like my. Both my parents were like so when are you getting your PhD? And so I realized you know what this is. Just their conditioning, bless them. It's. You know it's the way they see life. I love them for it. It comes always from a place of good intentions and you know, multiple realities can coexist and over the years they've seen like the workshops I do, the retreats, the books I've published. So they're like you know it's, I can't live their journey for them. But they're becoming more and more open to it. But yeah, I'm pretty shocked.
Candace Patrice:Was your decision to get the degree a part of satisfying your family or a part of satisfying yourself? Was it for you or what you were hearing from the family, like, okay, let me get a degree to go with this coaching so that everybody's feeling better, or because you could be a coach without any kind of degree, just the experience? So when you did, what was the angle behind that?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:That was actually my clients, because I realized that coaching is very future oriented. I love that we're working with belief systems, but I realized that, okay, there is a part of our childhood that influences psychodynamic therapy just going back to the root, and that I think it was my clients. It was 100% my clients because I wanted to give them, I wanted to help them more and I realized I didn't have the skill set for it. And so, yeah, it was my clients, being able to help them realize how their past was influencing both their present and their future. I'm surprisingly, my parents were not. They didn't even know I was going back until I was like in the program. And then they're like, oh wow, good for you.
Candace Patrice:Okay, I just have all of these questions. This is my last question. I'm going to let Janet chime in if she has any questions. And you're on mute, by the way, just so you know. How do you help your clients rewire their thinking? Because if they've been in a pattern for so long or they're getting to a place where it's like, okay, we need help, how do you actually help them change that perspective? What are some of the tools that they could use to move forward, to help be that preventative, before getting to where they need lawyers?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Great question. So there's two parts to it. One is the individual work and one's the relational work. When we're looking at the individual work, there's two parts Again. There's the cognitive and there's the somatic. So first, cognitively understanding something why am I the way I am? Okay, let's look into your childhood, let's look into your belief systems, let's look into your subconscious mind. So there's an intellectual part of it which is part of talk therapy. And then we go into the somatic. So what is the somatic?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Body Hold Score is a great book, and what it is is the memories, the experiences get stored into our body and so, on a cellular level, they are influencing the way we show up to the world. And so when people cognitively understand something, intellectually understand it, but they're not changing it, means there is a disconnect between body and mind. So we engage the body now. So, whether it's practicing through breath, work the body now. So, whether it's practicing through breath work, through grounding, through even simple, simple tasks of shaking it off, going for a walk, stretching the body, you know, doing R's with our tongue, engaging our senses, holding a warm cup of tea, rubbing ice cubes on our wrists, what we're doing is we're bringing the body, because when there's a disconnected usually means the body is stuck in a sympathetic state, which is the fight or flight, freeze or fawn response. We want to make it feel safe, for the body to come into the parasympathetic, which is the rest or digest. So we engage the body, and this is what's missing for many. Many Engage the body in it. This is what's missing for many, many, many people. And so those somatic practices really help me come back into safety, to come into a space where change is possible, because the mind is wired for survival, and survival is always related to safety, and we will always choose familiar chaos over unfamiliar peace. That's just the way the mind is trained and wired. So now the body feels safe, now I understand it intellectually. That's half the formula.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:The second half is the relational tools. So now I help couples okay, even individuals. How are you communicating? Can we learn skills that help us communicate in a non-critical, non-defensive way? How are you fighting? Let's learn the tools of fighting fear. How are you expressing your needs? Do you even know how to express your needs? Because no one's a mind reader. So these are all skills it's very skill-based that we weren't taught in school, most of us. It wasn't modeled to us in our parents' relationships or our caregivers' relationships. So it's like kind of we're learning everything together and just like, okay, this is the formula. So half of it is skill set and half of it is inner work and then the inner work is divided into intellectual and somatic.
Candace Patrice:Thank you, yeah, yeah, yeah, mom, go ahead. Did you have any? Go ahead.
Janet Hale:I did, I did. I appreciate all that you said and I really appreciated the part where we have to get with self, because that, in my opinion, is the root of all things how we react to things, how we take care of ourselves emotionally, how we're able to regulate our emotions. And then, when you talked about the child, how do we take care of the child? I call it the child within. They stopped saying that a long time ago. But how do you take care of that little person inside of you and make that little person safe so that the big person can take care of it? Also, you made me think about a situation, that friendship relationship, and it ended, and I was talking to Candace about it and I said you know, I realized something because in everything, in all relationships, I always take a look at Janet. You know I realized something because in everything, in all relationships, I'd always take a look at Janet. You know, like, what was my part in it? What was you know? What was I trying to get from it? Why did I tolerate, why didn't I? You know, all those things With Candace's father.
Janet Hale:We divorced before he passed, I guess, maybe a year, I don't know. He passed, maybe a year, I don't know, but we were both kind of mad at each other and now the anger has turned into compassion because I recognize he did the best he knew how to do and he gave his whatever. That was his, all Okay. And recognizing that takes away the anger, you know. So it's not a fault finding situation.
Janet Hale:It's about coming back to me, um, and the last uh thing I was in and I said you know the word lonely. I said I'm looking at that word a little different now, candice. I said lonely for me is my longing to love myself. And let me be enough, it's just all about. And when you talked about the spirituality, the being familiar with, I'm going to call it dysfunction, usually use another word opposed to the healthier way, because we're used to that. And moving away from that, I think it's just helpful for everyone to understand that. And I understand you've talked about couples, but I love the fact that you talk about the individual, because if we're both all messed up and nobody's taking care of ourselves, then what are we sitting in front of you for Right?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Yeah, so I appreciate that.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:I'd love that you shared that. I'd love that. And as you were speaking, I was reminded of something my mom always said when I was growing up. She said when you point one finger to someone, you're pointing three at yourself. So you know, pause, ask yourself. You know, how did I show up? How did I contribute?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Sometimes it's as simple as maybe I need to learn how to set more culturally sensitive boundaries so that I don't feel taken advantage of. I don't feel you know, someone crossing my boundaries, maybe something like that, or maybe it's my tone, my boundaries, maybe something like that, or maybe it's my tone. You know we're so quick to blame others, but if we really paused and said, okay, how can I be better? How can I do better? How can I connect more to you? Know my godlike nature? What would the divine in me, how would the divine in me respond? Sometimes I get the feedback that I'm too naive in life. My mom's like sometimes you're too naive. But I'd rather see the good in everything and everyone, because that helps me connect to the good in myself more so. But yeah, I completely, completely resonate with what you were saying. So thank you for sharing.
Candace Patrice:I love that. I too have have that. I don't that trait the naivety, naivety, naivety, you know the word where I rather see the good in everyone and there's only. There is one situation that was recent and I was struggling so hard because I had so much tension in this situation and finally I decided to disengage from the tension within myself and I had I was writing down.
Candace Patrice:There are three things that I've tried to go into every situation with, and it's nonjudgmentalness, it is unconditional love and it is forgiveness. And one of those things that has to happen during that time is challenging. I have to challenge myself to reflect on what it is that I'm bringing to the situation that could cause tension. And then what would I need if I was the other person, how would I need that person to respond and what can I do in this situation to disengage that tension? And one of those things that happened in this situation was one I had to remember if there is a two-way tension, there is something that I'm doing and asking for the forgiveness in that, and whatever it is that I feel is causing tension in this situation, how can I truly forgive them and move forward with what I have control of? Because I don't have control of their emotions, what their perspective is. But I can control how I show up in the situation and making that choice mentally to say no more, no more tension, like I let it go, I release, I forgive. I'm going to show this unconditional love and I'm finding that my spiritual connection, my relationship to God, my studying and what Jesus would do really helps, and you know, that's, for me, my spiritual situation.
Candace Patrice:What would Jesus do and how was he walking this earth? And I'm watching the Chosen and one of the things I was sharing with my mom last night there's an episode where the Roman I'm learning the history too, of Roman, the Jewish tradition and everything I'm like what, okay, anyway, so there's, they were able to have the Jews carry their things for up to a mile. So they get to the mile, walk the mile marker and they're like okay, give me your stuff. And Jesus is like well, isn't your destination a mile up? They're like, yeah, but we can only make you guys do this for a mile. He said, if anybody asks, tell them we offered. And he begins to you know, go. And it's like wow, to continue on with something. And and their hearts immediately started changing and you could see them like well, give me my helmet, you know, like I, you don't have to carry this. I got you Like, and it's like putting that love in our situations and it's going beyond where you get to a point where it's like, okay, we've agreed to settle the tension, but what can you do beyond that agreeance?
Candace Patrice:That really shows like I'm choosing love, I'm choosing forgiveness. This isn't just something I'm saying, but I'm going to practice it above and beyond. So I don't know, that's just something I was, as you were talking, and something that I'm practicing, and it takes that practice on a daily basis and I was sharing with my mom, as I'm going through this situation, that I'm going to have to make this choice every day until it becomes natural, until it feels. It may not feel normal at first, but it's challenging our minds to do something different, because every day that we wake up and we go into these systematic ways that we behave and these habits, our bodies go into autopilot because we're used to it. So we have to challenge ourselves to do something different.
Candace Patrice:I'm reading a book and it talks about how, even though the future is unknown, we put ourselves in these autopilots where we really know what the day is going to look like, and anything that challenges what we already know becomes an inconvenience. But if we allow ourselves to be open to what the day brings, then it's not an inconvenience, it's really a blessing. It's like oh well, look at that, that happened in my day to day. Isn't that awesome, you know? So yeah, just, I don't know, I don't do it. I'm always hopeful that our listeners get to take this experience too and go, ah, I didn't think of it like that. Or ah, you're challenging me to do something different, to be better, to go about my day just a little different. I guess it's really my hope that this podcast remains a marker throughout history for people to look back and do something different to make their lives better.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that. Three things came to mind as you were sharing and I just wanted to touch on that. Yes, the forgiveness, so beautiful. I want to take it a step further and say we're forgiving the other person, we need to forgive the situation, but we also need to forgive ourselves, extending that grace to ourself of you know, I'm doing the best I can. When I know better, I do better. When I know better, I show better, show up better. So just extending that energy of forgiveness to self, also so deeply healing, in my opinion, that sometimes we forget that we're extending forgiveness to others but not to self.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:And then this experience. When you said experience, we don't see people objectively right. Every experience of reality is based on our thoughts, beliefs, opinions and perceptions. So the way I see you is very different than maybe the way janet sees you, the way other people see you. So we really are floating experiences for humanity. And if we can take that and be like I get goosebumps when I think about it because you've given me goosebumps, I really it's, it's all an experience.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Nothing is real Right, nothing is objectively real. I can't say like Janet is, you know any trait? So I can't say like Janet is a perfectionist, right, because that is my perception. I'm experiencing her through the lens of perfection. You might experience her through a different lens. So if we open that, if we're open to that idea, I think we'll stop trying to dictate to people how they should be or what they should do and we kind of just accept everyone as they show up, without expectations, without judgment, exactly as you said, with pure love, that everyone at the end of the day is a child of God and they are doing the best they can. Maybe their best is not enough for us, and that's okay. It means we don't want to entertain them, but that's their best. And slowly the level of consciousness for everyone, including ourselves, will go up. So it really helps with that nonjudgment and just acceptance.
Candace Patrice:Oh, my goodness, I love it. Janet was over there lighting up when forgiving self, because that is one of her staples.
Janet Hale:When you were talking, I thought the exact same. I was like I wrote it down. I was like, okay, we're forgiving all these other people. When the forgiveness starts right here I'm pointing to myself audience it starts right here. I have to forgive myself for the thoughts that I may have had about somebody that was so messed up, for the thoughts that I may have had about somebody that was so messed up, you know. And so that was a thing that came to mind. The other was never want any my anger to meet someone's pain. I never want that to meet, because it is just not cool.
Janet Hale:And then the spiritual connection I thought about. And Candice said you know my beliefs and I'm not a Christian woman. Right, I see myself as a spiritual person. Candice is a Christian woman, and but we, we, we can get together and have very spiritual, meaningful conversations, because the baseline is the same. And so I thought about that.
Janet Hale:And then I thought about the triggers, because some people can trigger something in us that we don't recognize. You mentioned the body keeps the score, and so once I'm triggered, sometimes I don't even know why I'm triggered, I'm just triggered by something until I sit alone somewhere, and sometimes it'll come to me Like that triggered me because I've never felt heard and this reminded me of a moment when I didn't feel heard or important, or that I mattered, and so it triggered me into the fight mode, right, because I need you to hear me. At any cost, please hear me. So those are some of the things I thought about. Oh, and forgiveness she mentioned, and the forgiveness is great, and I will say this this is something I say often, it's not my original saying but forgiveness is granted, but sometimes access is denied and we need to be comfortable in that, because sometimes people feel like well, well, I forgave and you know, and so just come on back no you don't have to come back.
Janet Hale:No, no, no, no, because the forgiveness is here. But you talked about being safe. Once I recognize it's not a safe space, I have a choice, and that's the whole thing at all. In my opinion, comes back to who we are, the choices that we make, each decision that we make. If I engage back and forth with someone and it's a very toxic situation I need to take a look at Janet, because something in me is enjoying something in you, in order for us to go back and forth, because I'm gaining something out of this. But a lot of times folks don't want to admit that because it's easier to point the finger at the other person and what they've done, and then I have to go. What was that about for me, you know? So those are some of the things that came up. When Candice was talking. I was like on fire. She's like I don't know where I'm at in the conversation and I'm thinking you set me on fire. So yeah, that's my comment on that.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Oh yeah, that's. Take the example of people who are dating in the dating world and they'll accept breadcrumbs, right. So this hot, cold energy, this push-pull energy, and it's exactly that the part of me doesn't feel worthy of being seen. So why will entertain someone who doesn't fully see me? I think this is so important and I'm seeing this more and more with this whole concept of situationships in this day and age of like we're not in a relationship, we're in a situationship. It doesn't serve someone. Everyone I've spoken to 99% don't want to be in a situationship. They just find themselves in it. I think it's such an important topic to talk about. If you're in it, look, pause, exactly what you said, Jen, and what part of me is gaining something from this, and that's. You know it takes a lot of courage to realize that's messed up, but you know the work, the brave do the inner work, and so find the courage within you to kind of pause, but so, so powerful. Thank you for sharing that.
Candace Patrice:Thank you, that's so good. Wow, I don't know if I should share this on the podcast.
Janet Hale:Oh maybe you should, I don't know. I share some stuff. Come on, girl.
Candace Patrice:You know, after my divorce I was in a relationship, situation-ship, entertainmanship with a good friend. Well, we developed a great friendship which then turned into, I guess, a relationship. It really never had real boundaries on it, to call it that. But what I realized was that the love we cultivated started to have these expectations of a relationship. That was too much for me, in a sense that I realized I couldn't give my full self for a relationship. But there were things that I gained in this that were really good. And looking at some of the intimacy, it was the intellectual intimacy. I enjoy that part. I enjoy the physical intimacy, the sexual intimacy. You know there was a lot.
Candace Patrice:But then there were parts that I, just coming out of a marriage, wasn't ready to give and also I needed to be a little selfish. I didn't have the time to give to a relationship. A relationship requires more than just breadcrumbs. Relationship requires more than just breadcrumbs. And to look in that and say you don't deserve what I'm giving because I can't give you what you deserve, and being able to look back at that and say I know you deserve so much more. So here's what I can give, here's what I can't give, and if that's not enough. I respect that and I'm here to find a common ground and you let me know where you are and let's find a space that works, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. But I have to be honest with myself. I have to be honest with you because if I'm not honest, we'll end up in this push, pull of expectations, and neither of us deserve that. So you know it's, and I'm finding that since I've had that conversation, that the relationship is no longer a situation but a real friendship. It's what it should be for this season of my life and we're both flourishing and enjoying each other more as friends and giving each other what we can give each other in this season, and maybe that will look like a relationship in the future of partnership. Maybe partnership looks different than boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. It's purely this is what we're able to give and do and flourish, because, at the end of the day, we want to grow, we don't want to be stagnant, and I can see the best parts of you and cultivate the best parts of you where I can and we don't have to sit in. Well, I'm expecting you to give me all six parts of intimacy because and I need you to show up this way. It's hey, this is what I can give and are we able to accept that. So it's beautiful.
Candace Patrice:I'm enjoying him so much more again because it's back to where it was in the beginning, before some of these expectations, and we laugh more and we joke more, but it is the true space that we're in right now and I think that we'll continue to grow in this space as friends right now and not have the expectation of the unknown, which is not real because it doesn't exist. You know, what exists is what's here in front of us right now and we'll be open and we'll be honest about where we are and we'll work through those things. And you know, I encourage him to. You know, if there is a relationship, a person who can feed you in all of those areas, Take that, because we deserve to have that in our lives.
Candace Patrice:And I know for me, I want to love on me right now. I need to love on me right now and if that can come across selfish in a relationship, so let me know where I am, say where I am, be honest about that. And I don't know. It's just so beautiful. I love me right now and the more I can love me, the more I can bring into a partnership and whatever that's going to look like, which is unknown.
Candace Patrice:I don't know what the future brings for whoever it's going to bring it with, but I'm open to this journey and it's so beautiful. It is so beautiful.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Thank you for vulnerably sharing that. Yes, I think it's so important, exactly as you said, to be honest with self of, like what do I have the capacity for at this moment in my life and this season in my life? And you know, sometimes people ask me, like is it bad that I'm like dating multiple people at the same time? Like, just an example, I'm like do the people you're dating know?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:that Like as long as you're being honest with that and saying hey, by the way, I'm like you know, I'm dating other people or I'm this People. Honesty is we're missing that because sometimes we get fed this narrative of manipulation and games and just the narrative sometimes is wrong. And so if we can lean into honesty and your example was a beautiful, you know portrayal of that and you know expectations ruin friendships, let's say ruin dynamics curiosity saves it, right. So curiosity, I'm curious about you, about your internal world. I want to know you better. I want to understand you better. I want to see you better. I want to see myself world. I want to know you better. I want to understand you better. I want to see you better. I want to see myself better. I want to understand myself better.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Let this be a space where both of us feel safe enough to bring the parts of us that feel safe to be seen, because if I'm not bringing a part of me into a dynamic, it means in that moment that part doesn't feel safe as a result of past trauma, as a result of whatever that has happened. So let me extend grace and time to myself In the meantime, having that space. I know that when I'm ready, when this part is ready, she will come. Yeah, she will come.
Candace Patrice:Oh so.
Janet Hale:I felt that and I almost cried.
Candace Patrice:I did too.
Janet Hale:All right now, tanev, because when she's ready, she will come.
Candace Patrice:Honesty is courage is what I see you for I did. Honesty is courage is what I see you, for I did.
Janet Hale:Honesty is courage. It is courage to be correct. Candice, you have, even as a child, have been an honest person and I'll never forget and I know, I always tell this story on the podcast. One day she was a kid, I guess in middle school, I can't remember and she said you know, mom, I'm not lying. And I said, okay, I'm looking at her like okay.
Janet Hale:She said you want to know why? Cause this is Candace. I said why? Because if I tell the truth, what's it going to do to me? So why not just tell the truth? I thought that was so courageous and it helped me see where I was not honest in situations because I was fearful of the outcome. I never said that before on the podcast, but anyway, it's a safe space, so we all out here. But yeah, so yeah, and I appreciate her being able to tap into that at such a young age and recognize that the honesty is a risk that she was willing to take as a child.
Candace Patrice:Yeah. So, naz, you have created a very calm and safe place and I know it's my podcast, but still you, you have made this really nice and I'm really grateful for the time that you have given us, for the honesty, the tools that you've given us. So I want to thank you and honor you in this space right now for the work that you are doing, for the work that you have done and the work that you will do, that you'll be able to share at some point in the future. That doesn't exist yet. Oh, I can't hear you, tanaz, is your speaker off?
Janet Hale:No, I'm not oh great Okay cool.
Candace Patrice:So yes, we are. See, I told you, this hour goes by so fast. We're already here and I'm sad, so of course I want to hold on, hold on. I want to give the suicide prevention lifeline for anyone who needs it. It is 988. You can call or text 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, finding your safe places, your safe people. Yeah, go ahead, mom.
Janet Hale:I wanted to say, when you were talking about the work that she does, and I thought she did her work today, I know.
Candace Patrice:I know I was like she's, you know.
Janet Hale:So thank you for that. Very appreciate it.
Tannaz Hosseinpour:And of course, the listeners, I'm sure, will love this. Thank you both. Thank you both for creating the space. It's been so lovely to share and to talk and to have this conversation, and I just want to leave, you know, the audience with one thing and it's something that I've been talking a lot about with my clients this past week and that is your presence matters, and if you're on this earth that you know you're everyone is born with a unique blueprint. You are meant to be here to share gifts, to share your passions, and don't let any external life stressor or circumstance convince you that you do not have a place at the table. I think that now more than ever, with everything that's happening, it's so important for people to really accept this truth and I call it a truth, it's an objective truth that your presence matters on this earth. So believe that, trust that, embody that and, yeah, don't forget that thank you.
Candace Patrice:How can people find you all of your things, whatever it is that you have to offer? How can people get what you offer and find you on social medias, websites, anything?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Yeah, so my community is called Minutes on Growth, so Minutes and then O-N Growth. I have my website. On my website there's a lot of free resources. I have a free ebook on nervous system regulation so powerful. Please download it to kind of help you get very simple, very simple, simple tasks to help you step into your parasympathetic nervous system to activate that calmness, that groundedness we need more than ever with all the triggers and the stressors that are coming at us. They're really taking the time for self, and nervous system regulation is the foundation of that. You'll find me on social media at Minutes on Growth. I share daily content on how to build healthier relationships with yourself, with others, and also my podcast, minutes on Growth. So everywhere at Minutes on Growth.
Candace Patrice:You said your community Minutes on Growth. Where is your community at?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:So we have a community on Facebook it's called Abundance and Love, and we have the book club, the ladies only book club. So they're all mentioned on my website. You can go through it, see what resonates. The intention is really always to create a safe space for people to feel seen, heard, valued and understood. So trying to create as many mediums whether it's one-on-one, group work, community events that makes that possible.
Candace Patrice:Are you accepting any clients right now?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:Yes, I am A little bit less as I'm starting clinical work, but still yes.
Candace Patrice:And how can people sign up for coaching with?
Tannaz Hosseinpour:you. So on my website there is a tab work with me, and then there's a free consultation that I highly recommend everyone, because at the end of the day, we have to see if we energetically mesh together. There's actually research on this. They were trying to see what's the best therapeutic modality with effectiveness and they found that the therapeutic alliance is the most important component. So feeling safe with someone that's the most important. It's not about the tools they use. Ultimately, it's that sense of safety. So use that consultation to see if we're a good fit and if you feel safe with me Ohmotivationcom.
Candace Patrice:on Instagram, candicepatrice underscore. Em. On Facebook, essential Motivation. You can email me at CandiceFleming at essentialmotivationcom. We want to hear from you, your feedback. If there's any topics that you want us to touch on, if there's anything you heard that you enjoyed that resonated with you, we'd love to hear from you. You can hit the text button and send information, and you can find Janet at HaleEmpowermentLLCcom. Was there any last words you wanted to give Mom?
Janet Hale:Just thank you to all of us for being able to come together. I love what she said about the therapist, because it must be a good match, because I'll fire a therapist in a minute I will because, look, we have to get this vibe thing going but I really, really appreciate us having this space and creating a space for the listeners to be a part of this intimate moment.
Candace Patrice:Thank you, thank you both, thank you listeners, and until next time. Remember to love hard, forgive often and laugh frequent. Goodbye.
