Essential Mental Healing
Essential Mental Healing
“You Are Worthy”: Tackling Imposter Syndrome and Self-Doubt
Dive into a heartfelt conversation that tackles the complex emotions surrounding imposter syndrome and the often-hidden feelings of inadequacy we carry with us. In this episode, we peel back the layers of self-doubt and explore how our upbringing, societal expectations, and personal narratives shape our perception of worthiness.
Janet and I share candid stories from our experiences as parents, navigating the challenges of helping our children while facing our own anxieties. We discuss the beauty of supportive relationships and how genuine care from loved ones can help us confront feelings of being a fraud in our personal and professional lives. Together, we unpack five distinct types of imposter syndrome, shedding light on how each manifests and impacts individuals differently. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, we reveal the power of vulnerability and the importance of community in countering the narratives that keep us stuck in self-doubt.
As we prepare to wrap up, we acknowledge the intertwining nature of grief and acceptance, encouraging listeners to embrace their unique journeys and understand their inherent worthiness. This episode serves as a reminder that while the journey may be fraught with challenges, we all possess the potential to thrive. Join us in this thought-provoking discussion on self-worth, acceptance, and the transformative power of connection. Remember to subscribe, share, and leave a review as you reflect on your own path to embracing your worth.
Host Candace Fleming
Co-host Janet Hale
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Music by Lukrembo: https://soundcloud.com/lukrembo
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Hello and welcome back to another episode of Essential Mental Healing, where I am your host, candice Patrice, and joining me today, as always, is my lovely co-host who had to get me together this morning, janet Hale.
Janet Hale:Hello, hello and hello everyone. How are?
Candace Patrice:you doing.
Janet Hale:I'm okay, candice, I'm doing good.
Candace Patrice:I had a very active weekend and so that was pretty cool. What about you? I'm doing better. I was, as you know, struggling with some anxieties from dealing with helping my daughter with homework. Parents, how are you doing this? What are you doing? I need tips because I'm realizing that I was sharing this with my mother earlier that things that come easy to me sometimes I can't, at least with math. I can't comprehend how it's not simple to others. It's the strangest thing, and it's difficult for me teaching my daughter because things get big to her. So when she doesn't understand it or it looks like it's going to be difficult, she kind of freezes and doesn't want to do it, and it takes a minute for me to just kind of wrap her around the idea of just kind of taking it step by step, and that causes me a lot, a great deal of anxiety. So you know I had just helped her with I think it was five pages of math, five pages, five whole pages.
Janet Hale:What grade is she in?
Candace Patrice:What grade is she in?
Candace Patrice:Fourth, grade, so that was a lot to deal with. However, when we got on to shoot, I was high in anxiety. But we ended up talking my mother and I a little bit just about that and all kinds of things and I looked up and my leg wasn't shaking anymore and I was sitting back in the chair and things were easier so and I actually did. Sorry, mom, in the beginning it was like I didn't want to hear about her day, and then I did want to hear about it by the end of everything. So I am better.
Candace Patrice:I've had a great place to be, finding that I don't know what I was going to say, but a lot of great things have just been happening around me and the support showing up for each other is so beneficial, especially when you're not doing it out of obligation but because of desire, and that reciprocation of love feels so good. But also I've been seeing how people around me are creating. They are beginning to just do things and it's really beautiful to see and seeing how you only need one. But in the rooms that I have been in lately they've been full and that is beautiful, and the conversations with the people next to me beautiful. So just a lot of beautiful things happening and I'm really grateful and appreciative of those things.
Janet Hale:Oh, may I piggyback on that.
Candace Patrice:Please piggyback on that.
Janet Hale:Ooh, powerful, and I second that emotion. For those who don't know the song, anyway, to be in spaces that are that brings out my light is always good, that brings out my best self is always good. That matches my best energy is always good. So I'm going to share with your audience, our audience, about you sending me a song. So I'm working this particular day, you guys, and I'm working from home and I'm busy, I'm getting stuff done or trying to anyway, and I look at my phone and she sends me this song.
Janet Hale:This song was talking about I don't want I got so emotional about it how important a mother is and I was so taken back by it that makes me feel a little emotional now that I was like whoa, I just broke down and started. I said, ooh, because when you're loved, truly loved, that love will bring you to your knees, and not in a bad way, but in a good way, and then with you guys. So she sent me this. I said why would you send this in the middle of my work day? So she didn't respond back, still haven't responded.
Janet Hale:I said, candace, you need to text to see if I was okay. I told you you just broke me down from at work. She don't see if I'm resuscitated, what's going on. But it is always good to feel loved. It is always good to be in the company of people that care genuinely about you. To feel love, this is always good to be in the company of people that care genuinely about you. You shared about how you visited someone and they had you take your coat off and sit down and eat. Oh, she cooked for me, I mean she cooked for her household.
Janet Hale:No but her friend came by and been busy running around. She's like take your coat off. Yes, Sit down and eat at my table. So, those are the kind of things you know that are so important.
Candace Patrice:Insert I didn't know what I was going to eat that night. I hadn't eaten. I went to Cuisine and Cinema but I couldn't eat the steak bites because I don't eat steak. And the third course had a lot of tomatoes in it. I don't eat tomatoes, so I had only had the mushrooms, which were delicious, by the way. So I was still hungry, it was late and I didn't know what I was going to eat. So to get there and have this full meal that was pure perfection, was everything. Okay. Insert close. Yes.
Janet Hale:But here's my thing about that when people love you, you don't have to tell them what you need. Sometimes they can look at you and just take care of you, and that's the beauty of love, that's the beauty of you know, just that whole connection. And I want to say this Sometimes when we see that somebody needs something, don't wait for them to ask you If you see it's a need and you can take care of it. Have the time. I'm not saying you know, you just drop your whole life.
Janet Hale:But that was a demonstration, in my opinion, of true love. And that is without you even asking or requesting or saying, oh, am I going to eat? I don't know what I'm going to do, but this person looking at you, recognizing that you've had a full day, everything is happening, or whatever's going on in your life. You know you're busy all the time.
Candace Patrice:And she was caring for my child. And she was caring for my child and she was caring for her god baby.
Janet Hale:For sugar baby. But anyway, all those things, kamari's, all those things to us, but anyway, and yes, and she's yes with her godmother, who takes very good care of her, and so, but see, she was taking care of her. Now you just took me somewhere else with that because she was taking care of her, but then she saw you and took care of you too. You follow me, so that's just that's. That's ain't that loving you, though? Ain't that loving you? And so when we can move in that space, and even with you talking today, and you, like you got on this thing and you just was not having it, oh my goodness, oh audience, oh my God, but however, no, here's the thing about it. You, you know, regulated yourself by talking and listening.
Janet Hale:To my mommy, I know to your mom, but you know, but that's what love does, love says, because I was like, was like breathe, baby, I don't feel like breathing. Oh you guys, she's such a brat, oh my goodness.
Janet Hale:And I'm like, okay, but you know, love is patient, love is kind, and I know that's written somewhere in one in your book sure is, and so you know, those are the kind of things that are so important and sometimes we get caught up on the things that are doesn't matter. But that meal mattered to you. It mattered so much it mattered to you. And it's not that she told you she was cooking you a meal. First of all, she's keeping the baby. I mean, you know she's doing all that, she babysitting. She took one look at you and knew what you needed.
Candace Patrice:She didn't even look at me. The thing is, she had prepped this. She was like I was hoping that you didn't pull up and say she can come out. She was like I wanted you to come in.
Janet Hale:That's even deeper.
Candace Patrice:And then I got in, had my coat on because I was just planning on picking up and going, you know it's late. She was like well, you take your coat off and eat because I'm making you a plate. I said you want me to take it to go? She was like no, I want you to eat it here.
Janet Hale:And we sat together and ate our meal that she prepared. That was so delicious. So that is just. You talk about being in spaces and different things like that. You know it's good to stay in connection with folks that are that way and make them part of your village, because that those are the kind of things. That's the kind of magic that happens.
Candace Patrice:And you know also. So part of the reason why I had just anticipated putting my coat on and leaving, or keeping my coat on and leaving, it was late, it was already about 11 o'clock and it's I was being conscious of her time with her husband as well. So you know, I didn't want to impose, but to have her, want me to be there in that time and not feel like, oh, if I stay, I'm a burden or I'm imposing. It was, please stay.
Janet Hale:It was that opening of the door, opening of the arms. So may I so not everybody's listening to this book, but I've been listening know that I'm a recovering alcoholic and I had many years cleaning and I had a relapse. And I had many years cleaning, I had a relapse and I remember when I went back to the support group.
Candace Patrice:Can you remind us?
Janet Hale:how long that gap was. I don't remember, because I kept saying seven years and I don't think it was that long, but anyway, it was a relapse and it was horrible and it kicked my tail.
Candace Patrice:Wait, wait, wait. Maybe I have a question.
Janet Hale:What's that? So I was clean for 14 years. I was clean for 14 years and I'm not sure how long the relapse was. I don't think it was.
Candace Patrice:as long as I keep saying oh no, I meant the distant, the time between the sober time. You said it was 14 years. Before you went back, you relapsed.
Janet Hale:Right.
Candace Patrice:Got it.
Janet Hale:Right. And so when I went back um, and I'll never forget walking into the room and I was like you know, I'm like I had to relax, and they said we've been waiting for you. That hit me a certain kind of way, in a good way, because it wasn't about being ashamed that you had to relapse, that you're a human being, and that happened it was. We're glad you made it back, because not everybody gets back, but not only that. We've been waiting for you. She was I'm trying not to say her name like she was waiting for you. You didn't know that. Like you said, I'm trying to whatever, but when someone is waiting for us, it's a beautiful feeling. It's more than just being accepted.
Candace Patrice:Yeah.
Janet Hale:You know what I mean, because they're anticipating your arrival.
Candace Patrice:You know there is a woman I met in the beginning of the school year who had gone through some, or has was going through some personal struggles and you know I shared with her that I was a mindset development coach and all of these things.
Candace Patrice:And she's like girl, I'm gonna need you, I'm gonna need you, but I don't have the funds right now. But I continue to show up for her whatever capacity, whenever she calls or anything. And I remember her asking for my Zelle and she sent $20 to my business just because she wanted to sow a seed. But even more recently she sent me a message. It was like hey, can you meet me? I have something for you. And she gave me a card just thanking me for being there for her and accepting her for all of who she was and who she is. And it was $45 in there as well. And when I received it I felt so undeserving, very grateful, but because I wasn't doing anything to get anything in return, all I wanted to do was respond whenever she needed me, check in to make sure she was okay and just be a sister of community to her.
Candace Patrice:It wasn't about just be a sister of community to her. It wasn't about it's not what I can do for her, just be there, because people just need us to be there. And when I, you know I use that word undeserving and it's actually really perfect segue into our topic for today, which is imposter syndrome.
Candace Patrice:And imposter syndrome is a feeling of self-doubt or fraudulence that causes people to believe they aren't good enough, despite the evidence to the contrary. So, and it says, people with imposter syndrome may feel like they don't deserve their accomplishments and fear being exposed as a fraud. And it's like part of me and sometimes when we receive things, we feel like now I'm indebted or I owe something to this person. But obviously that's just a mindset to be able to, just as I was giving. It just so happens that her repayment for her, what she saw to be worthy, was to give me a token in the form of a monetary contribution.
Candace Patrice:But we are deserving of the things we receive and we have to be able to lean into that and like even the meal for me to come in. And you know, I'm like I don't want to be in her space too long this night. Be with her. You know she gotta be with her husband. She's like, girl, come here, eat this meal and feel like and I'm talking to her like man, I don't deserve you as a friend. She's like I don't deserve you as a friend.
Candace Patrice:Now here we are feeling like we don't both in your imposter syndrome moments but clearly we are both so deserving of each other that we bring different aspects to the relationship, you know, and there are other.
Candace Patrice:There's another situation of someone who just tells me that I'm the greatest speaker of all time, and I hear her say that and I'm like because she's good too, I'm the greatest speaker of all time, and I hear her say that and I'm like I'm like one day she gonna realize I ain't as good as she think I am.
Candace Patrice:Like you know, this is in the back of my head, but reality, why not lean into that and continue to believe I am deserving of being called the greatest speaker? You know it's. I think sometimes we don't want to, or at least I don't want to take the humbleness out of it. I don't ever want to get on a high horse of oh well, I know now, and it's so weird. It's like so many thought processes that happens as you continue to grow and get into places and spaces with people who are quote unquote better or bigger names and things because of people, how they have viewed them or how they have put them in places and spaces of hierarchy, when in reality they are the same people we are with more accolades from someone else, but we're just as deserving.
Candace Patrice:You want to say something?
Janet Hale:I see you in the face and your breath yeah, in my breath too. I'm sorry. Okay, the imposter syndrome and you know about the folks that I work with that took me under their wing and I'm talking had me in a position where I was sitting in places that were the chef, the butler, the maid. All this is happening. I'm sitting at this table and I remember sitting there thinking I'm at this place, in this place, at this table, in this seat, because it is meant for me in this seat because it is meant for me.
Janet Hale:I remember that. So like I didn't even feel like you know, you would have thought I grew up in all that. I was like no, I'm deserving of it. And I've also had moments where I've been in situations that felt like, oh well, I don't know. But I don't sit in that part too long. I don't sit in that too long because I'm a firm believer that we get what was coming anyway. I'm a firm believer in that. And I was listening to you talk about the young lady that you assisted and then you were only there to serve right. You were, you were being a servant, and I mean that in the best way.
Candace Patrice:Yes.
Janet Hale:Okay. And so then, when she wanted to reciprocate, you got caught up, in my opinion, and this is with love and your ego, because that ego and I'm going to tell you, I don't know if you're ready for this one, but ego can also stand for edging God out. Okay, Ego right. And so I think when we get into that because sometimes I get into that a little bit is that we cheat that other person from showing their appreciation and their love and their way of caring and their way of showing up, because we're caught up in the ego, I will say, and not into the heart of the matter. And I think you understood it, but you got caught up, you know what I mean.
Janet Hale:Like you got caught up because that was her way of showing you I appreciate what you've done, and so here is my token of appreciation. Not that I feel I owe you anything because. I don't really I wasn't there, but I don't think that was her side of the story. It was my way of saying thank you so much. I really appreciate you and period, and that's it. So I'm glad you allowed her to space, even though you went through whatever you were. You know a little bit, but yeah.
Candace Patrice:And even in that you know it was undeservingness.
Candace Patrice:However, the gratitude that comes with it, because I did recognize and understand that I don't think she thought she owed me anything. It was that token of love. But it's like, you know, it's you get caught off guard. So sometimes it's like wow me and I think we've had this conversation before. It's like you, you want to show this to me. Wow, what did I do to deserve this? You know, but I'm so grateful. I am so grateful because you did not have to, but you chose to. So thank you.
Candace Patrice:You know, the end result came with a thank you you know so absolutely.
Janet Hale:Yeah, it's, it's, it's um. That's an interesting topic. I didn't know we were going to go there with this but uh, it's just interesting when we get into, whether we feel worthy or not, we're always worthy of what is great, and what belongs to us will come to us, and from your dude, todd.
Candace Patrice:I want to say it so bad.
Janet Hale:Pass the mic, todd, go ahead. Transformation Church. Oh, stop it. There's only one us, one me, there's one Janet, there's one.
Janet Hale:I want that. Now there's only one us. And guess what? Live in it, love it, cherish it. Don't try to be like anybody else. Don't get caught up in the imposter syndrome and I'm not worthy. No, we are worthy. We are worthy every day that we show up. We're worthy when we wake up in the day. We're worthy when we wake up, when we breathe this air. We are worthy and I heard this from somebody else. But when we take the time back to look at what other people are doing, we're taking time away from ourselves.
Candace Patrice:Yeah, so let's just stay present.
Janet Hale:Stay present in our own space, because it's our space, our own individual space that the creator has created just for us individual space that the creator has created just for us.
Candace Patrice:Also, we have had that conversation about Oprah wanting to be like Barbara Walters and how she ended up flourishing because at some point she recognized her own greatness and stepped into herself.
Janet Hale:Well, that too. But when she said that to Barbara Walters, Barbara Walters said there's already a Barbara Walters, you need to go ahead and be an Oprah.
Candace Patrice:So that's when she realized that. That part? Yeah, yep, but there was something that had to happen. And because if our ceiling is someone else, how do we rise above it? And still I rise. Come on, come on.
Janet Hale:Oh, we doing this.
Candace Patrice:We're going there, oh, we doing this, yes, and and even you know as being the only one of ourselves, our destination can't look like someone else's destination it cannot, it cannot. Because then, how do we achieve our greatest greatness? We?
Janet Hale:can't look like someone else's destination.
Candace Patrice:It cannot, it cannot. Because then, how do we achieve our greatest greatness? We can't, we cannot.
Janet Hale:And from the mouth of time. We don't want a replacement, and the way that was broken down was so beautiful.
Candace Patrice:Yes.
Janet Hale:Because you're looking at somebody else and what they're doing and you all messed up and you got caught up and lost and somebody that replaced your position whatever that position is opposed to staying focused on the role that's set before you. That's in your lane. Stay in our own lane.
Candace Patrice:Oh, this is a good one too. Come on, come on Relationships. Oh this is a good one, too Relationships. We get into relationships and there's someone who we're attracted to but we want to sometimes want to know what it is that they like, what it is that they want, and we try to mend ourselves to be like what it is that they want and like, opposed to saying if who I am isn't enough for you, then this isn't where I need to be.
Candace Patrice:And also even deeper, when we're looking at infidelity and a partner trying to seek and are you doing this with somebody else? Well, baby, somebody once told me somebody told me, if they, if they can take you, they can have you, because I am.
Janet Hale:No, that's, that's real true, and you can.
Candace Patrice:you have to choose me, just like I choose you, but I'm choosing. I'm choosing all of you, period, and I need you to choose all of me, period. And that that plays into the imposter syndrome too, because if you are constantly trying to mend yourself to them, for somebody else. There you go, you can't be your true, authentic self, you can't flourish, and then you find it hard to keep up in that relationship because now you're not practicing something that's natural and normal.
Janet Hale:And I also want to take that not just from the, because it sounds like you're talking from a romantic relationship.
Janet Hale:Yes, I'm OK and I'm speaking on all relationships, I'm speaking on friendships and all those things, because you're going to have to accept the Janet. That's within me, period. Because if you cannot, that's OK, that's okay. I mean, you know it's fine, go on the down the street, I'm fine with that too, and so, even if I'm in a space where someone approaches me and I'm not comfortable, I'm okay with that not being okay. This is not a time for us, Because please know that the authentic person is really for all of us all of you that are listening is the one you really want to know. Period In all our relationships.
Candace Patrice:That also goes into employment. Okay, alright, come on.
Candace Patrice:When we are at a job and we play, a position, we should do it to the best of our ability and not be afraid of the person coming under us, Cause sometimes you know they say you're training your replacement. But if you've done what you are supposed to do to the greatest ability that you can do it, your position may be, you may be getting a promotion. So train that next person to be the greatest version so that whatever it is that you have to do, they can do their part even better for you. But when you begin to lack and slack and try not to get somebody better, then you put yourself in a position of the underdog, Cause now you have, now you've been promoted.
Candace Patrice:Here's a good one, oh okay, oh okay, Wait, Okay. So there was a man and I don't know if this is just a story that I've heard, but let's just call it a story so there's a guy who was a builder and someone gave him money to build a home. The home, let's say, was $100,000. He said you got $100,000. I want you to build this home. So the guy says, okay, but instead of putting the money into the home to make it the best home, he cut a bunch of corners so that he could pocket the majority of the money.
Candace Patrice:What happened was after the home was built and everything, and he told the guy is ready for him. He said great, I'm glad you built this home. Because you built your home, this is now your home Now.
Janet Hale:I love it. I love it.
Candace Patrice:He done it to the best of his ability and made it the sturdiest home that he could, knowing that he could have. He would have had the greatest home because his hands, he was the builder of that home. However, because he was focused on something else Ooh, focus, that was a part of it he was focused on something else. He didn't get the greatest of what he could have had, and that's the same as that employment. Be the greatest at which. Because you now, if you're, if you, you just trained your assistant to not be great because you were afraid of them taking your position. Nobody can take your position because, as we just said, you are the only you and lean into that. Go ahead, I see you.
Janet Hale:Uh huh, the list, ok, ok. So there are two things. And we talk about the replacement. I remember being on a particular job and I didn't have as much education as I have now and someone was coming in who had more. I was told you're going to be training the person that's going to take this job. Oh, okay, really All right, then let's do this. And I remember when I met her and she came in and we were working together and I was going to train her to the best of my ability because I wanted her to be great, because in her being great was show the gifts that I had brought to the table, that I had trained her really well.
Candace Patrice:So you, know be the best you can be.
Janet Hale:And so I remember her and I having some conversation because you know I was feeling some kind of. I remember her and I having some conversation because you know I was feeling some kind of way about it and I was very open and honest. Sometimes we have to learn how to be vulnerable in situations and things. And so when I said to her I said you know it's not a you thing, I said, but sometimes I'm having a problem with training you to take the position that I had and it's not your fault or anything I said. And so we taught and so we started like meditating in the morning and getting together. I mean ended up close and it was just a beautiful thing and we thought about it. I said, you know, this could have turned out all different, but no, we didn't do that, we talked about it. I was very authentic and honest about what I was going through. That had nothing to do with her. Make that very clear. Did the training? She was great, everything went fine and she's still great. You know her and she has her own business now. She is doing just fantastic.
Janet Hale:But yeah, when we're training someone a replacement or someone to take up a replacement. Let's do the best job that we can, because for me that's like you know. I want you to do well. If I'm training you, because I want it to be said well, you know Jenna trains her. You know you're doing everything backwards. No, not that. The other thing when you mentioned about building that home, I remember being in the workshop, and in this workshop they had you think of someone you love very much, like this. You just love them so much. Now write down all the things you wish for them. So so, write down all the things you wish for them. So everybody's writing and they're going Right, right. So when it was done, is everyone finished? Everybody, yes, it said that list is for you.
Janet Hale:Wow Isn said that list is for you. Wow, isn't that deep.
Candace Patrice:Well, the deepness is that I had a group of teenagers do that years ago, my very first speaking engagement at a school, and I told them to, I asked them who was their favorite person and to write down all of the qualities of that person and I believe I told them that that was a reflection of themselves, or you know, I don't remember exactly how I worded it, but you saying that just full circle moment how that was in my mind years ago yes, wow.
Janet Hale:Okay. So that was just very interesting because everybody was writing down, you know, their kids, whatever, whatever, and I want them to have a good life and I want them to have education and I want them to have peace and I want them to have happiness. You know, because, as a certain you know, after you've been on this earth for a minute, you had some bumps and bruises, a few things that went down in your life. But they're talking and they're writing all these things and when they said, now that's for you. And what was interesting about that is that a few people had a hard time accepting that part. It was easier to write that down about somebody else and wanting that for someone else, but that person they love so dearly.
Candace Patrice:Yeah.
Janet Hale:But it became difficult when it was time to reflect and look at yourself and say, oh, I deserve this.
Candace Patrice:Yeah, yeah.
Janet Hale:This is for me, this list belongs to me, so that and that can fall into the imposter syndrome as well, if you think about it, because you know you're the person you love you feel is worthy of all these wonderful things, but when it was time for you, you didn't see that, or it was more difficult for you to see that.
Candace Patrice:Yeah, You're writing, so go ahead. No, I'm not writing, I am looking at something. So there are five different types of imposter syndrome.
Janet Hale:Yeah.
Candace Patrice:There's the perfectionist, and this person believes they could have done better if they weren't so imperfect, feels like they're not as good as others think they are. I sometimes fall into that perfectionist. The expert feels like they don't know everything there is to know about a subject, fears being exposed as inexperienced and underrates their own expertise. Then there is the natural genius. They set unrealistic expectations for themselves. They feel like a fraud if they don't succeed on their first try and they believe they must possess a natural talent the natural genius. Then there's the soloist. Questions their competence or abilities because they had to ask for help to reach a certain level or stature. I think a lot of people. The soloist one, because asking for help is something a lot of people don't want to do, in my opinion, something a lot of people don't want to do, in my opinion, especially if you've been hurt or dismissed when asking for help at a time in your life. Then the last one is the superhuman, and the superhuman wants to be good at everything. Can you relate to any?
Janet Hale:of those. I was yeah, the one before that, the soloist Mm-hmm, and I actually had the experience with that and, well, I didn't quite understand something and I didn't want. You know, everybody that was watching knew I didn't get it, but I didn't want to be exposed. I was like uh-uh. They were like no, we're going to help you do this. I'm like not in front of everybody, no, and they were so patient and so kind and so loving and so supportive, and so I mean I was like, okay, and that helps when vulnerability is such a big thing, though, because sometimes we have to learn to let that guard down. No, I don't understand this. No, I don't know how. Yes, I do need help with this. And guess what? It's OK if everybody in the meeting knows it, but what's interesting, though, about that too, is when're hiding because it's a form of hiding people see you, they already know or you get left behind because you didn't ask the questions.
Janet Hale:Oh well, no, Okay yeah.
Candace Patrice:Because now you get new information and you still don't know how to connect it to the information you didn't ask the question about.
Janet Hale:I'm not going further. No, I'm going to call you. I'm going to call somebody because I'm no, no, no, no. And you know that, candace, I'm going to figure. You know I'm going to call somebody, but for me, I was just speaking about being in an environment where there were others looking and not wanting to be exposed to the fact that I did not understand, and the group and you talked about being in different spaces that.
Janet Hale:I was in a space of safety, I was in a space of caring, I was in the space of compassion, I was in a space of patience, like you know. We're going to work with her, yeah, we're all going to work with her, we're all good, and so, yeah. So I think I would fall sometimes more in the soloist part of it, because a perfectionist I am not. I mean, I don't even try to be that. I'd be like, nope, this is it, you got it. Here I am. What were the other ones?
Candace Patrice:I'm sorry, the perfectionist, the expert, the natural genius, the soloist and the superhuman.
Janet Hale:Yeah, I think that was more that one. What about you I? I can't look at the list, because I'm a mess up and make noise, so um, well, okay.
Candace Patrice:So the soloist I think as a kid I may have struggled just a little bit because questions took up time. Nobody wanted to sit through it. Um, but as I got, as I'm getting older, I'm the person in the room and they're like such as such any questions like me. So I don't understand this part. But it's helpful because asking all but and and it actually is really helpful to ask questions, especially as a coach, because being able to ask the right questions or being a host, being able to ask the right questions is very important. So I don't have the soloist part, especially. If I did, I definitely don't anymore. I'm the perfectionist. Yes, I can struggle with that because I want everything to be done well, and if I can't do it well, then I kind of freeze sometimes and it's I actually okay. I remember writing a paper in high school.
Janet Hale:I was reading some of my Did I write it or did you write it? I'm just kidding.
Candace Patrice:No, by high school, by high school. I was doing mine by high school. All right, it's a senior year at that. So, but I had read some of my old papers and I was I mean like from middle school, elementary, and I was like these are actually pretty good and I thought about how much time I put into those papers trying to make them perfect. Well, this one day in senior year I probably had one class period to get this whole paper done, and I remembered how simple the papers were, but they took so much time. So I was like, well, you got an hour, so it's time to pump it out, and I literally just started typing things as they came out of me and they made sense. I did well on the paper. I didn't put I don't want to say I didn't put too much thought in it, but I didn't put too much pressure into it and was able to knock out this paper pretty quickly.
Candace Patrice:The superhuman who wants to be good at everything yeah, definitely struggle with that. Actually, I don't struggle with it because I definitely think I'm superhuman and I am good at everything and I can do everything. However, I don't have the time to do everything, so that's that's what my issue is they done, messed up and told me I can be anything, I can do anything, I'm powerful. I was like, oh, my subconscious believing Cause I didn't say it so much, but I can do everything, I can be anything. I am every woman. Okay, that is me. So when it comes to that, the expert feels like they don't know everything there is to know about a subject. I know a lot about the subject that I'm considered an expert in. However, I do want to continue to learn and learn and learn and.
Candace Patrice:I don't think that's a problem. I don't think I actually struggle in that area, but I also don't know that. I know enough a lot of times and I know a lot. So the natural genius sets unrealistic expectations for themselves. I'm a natural genius in time, so I set unrealistic expectations on time. I think I can do 50 things in one day and also do them in two hours. That is so unrealistic. And then I go and have heart palpitations because I'm running late and couldn't do it all at the time frame that I unrealistically set for myself. Hence today I am going on a hiatus and a do not disturb so that I don't have anything to look at. I have to respond to anyone or anything Now. Tomorrow morning I might freak out when it comes back off of Do Not Disturb, but I'm chilling today, Chilling.
Janet Hale:I'm listening to you and it makes me and I've always been but it makes me grateful for recovery, because I'm not perfect, and I know it. And it's not about perfection, it's about progress, and so those are some of the things that are in me and it took that for me to be able to say certain things about being hippie and the thing that you I'm not religious, you know and being okay in that space and not, you know, trying to be accepted for other people to their belief, try to adapt to their belief system to be accepted. So that's the part that when I'm listening, I'm like woo okay, not that I don't go in and out of those spaces sometimes but, the main one is the one the soloist.
Janet Hale:For me, yeah, it's the soloist, but when you were talking I was like, woo, thank goodness for recovery, man, because it's like you know, and I've been through a lot and you know, and I've done some things that I've done and I've had to make peace with some things and accept them, and the whole thing about God grabbed me to serenityity, to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And a lot of times I do fall on that and I do it subconsciously. I'm not even saying the whole speech. Well, let me figure that out. What I didn't know, I was going to share but I'm going to, and I know we're almost done because I know she's going to be like let's talk about it Is that I realized that Brandon has been dead for nine years.
Candace Patrice:As of February, somewhere around here.
Janet Hale:Guess what? I made the connection that Kamari's her birth date. You know her age is equivalent to how long Brandon's been gone. And then it took me to how things will die. People will die, but life will also come, and some kind of way I made that connection.
Janet Hale:I was like first I was like nine years and I was counting on my fingers everybody, because she do the math, not me. So I was like 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. Whoa, that's nine years. Nine years, and in those nine years there's been a celebration of his life and the celebration of my sugar baby. And they both can happen and be true at my sugar baby, and they both can happen and be true at the same time. How beautiful is that.
Candace Patrice:It's so beautiful, so beautiful.
Janet Hale:What are you looking at?
Candace Patrice:You know, I realize I don't know Brandon's date of death.
Janet Hale:The 16th.
Candace Patrice:It is the 16th.
Janet Hale:Of this month, I know that's why. Date of death the 16th.
Candace Patrice:It's the 16th Of this month. I know that's why.
Janet Hale:I said, when you said nine years, it hit me. I'm telling you, I was like whoa, I saw it hit you.
Candace Patrice:No, I said it. I was like almost to the date. Oh, okay, yeah, because I know it's February, but I don't, I guess, because I don't celebrate his death. I celebrate we saved his life. We celebrate his life, yeah.
Janet Hale:But I'm just saying because we do that.
Candace Patrice:Because we do that, I don't know his date of death. That's what I'm saying, that part.
Janet Hale:Okay, whoa, and then. So when that because every now and then that will come my way Okay, that grief will hit me and I was like whoa, nine years. Oh, my goodness, yeah, and just kind of roll with it, just like okay and breathe. When I was talking to you earlier, just like okay and breathe.
Candace Patrice:When.
Janet Hale:I was talking earlier, I said, candice, breathe, because sometimes we just got to breathe through it and understand that you know. And then look at the life. It's almost now. This is going to sound weird and you might cut me off and this may not play weird and you might cut me off and this may not play, but it's almost like the universe knows what it's doing. I may not understand it and you may not understand it, and it's like before and this is weird. So you're going to cut it out and I don't care. But before I take him, I will gift you with another life and that's just the hippie and me coming out on the podcast.
Candace Patrice:And we always say that everything happens the way it's supposed to happen, and that is exactly what you just said Exactly. It's weird. I think she said it's been four years and so she was sharing the stages of her grief and how the first year was just complete delusion. She's like I don't remember the first year. The second year was, I guess, when she started recognizing the grief process and maybe seeking help. I believe was seeking help year two, no year three. I believe was seeking help and getting a therapist Cause.
Candace Patrice:That's when things start. She was able to begin anyways. The point of me saying this is that grief happens in different stages and there is no time limit on the grief. There is no way that it looks for one individual. One person may be able to grieve someone. It will look different. It will look different on everyone. It may look easier for someone else than it does another person. They may be able to handle grief in one area or by a particular person easier than in a different area and another person, and it may not make sense to those around them. But we definitely have to be sensitive to people's grief process and know that it's their process. They're the only one of them, which means they can only handle it their way. And even as we share our own stories, let them be just that, not advice, but the sharing of a story, and they can take what they want from it or leave it all there whatever it is.
Candace Patrice:So we got real heavy in the end here.
Janet Hale:Well, you know, that's what we do. That's what we do. But I did want to say this, though, because I was looking at Mama's picture my mother was a beautiful woman, everybody and realizing that they've been dead for over 22 years. You made it up they died in 2003. Wow, so right. So 23, 24, 25.
Candace Patrice:21, only because.
Janet Hale:Oh, because it's the beginning of the year, or?
Candace Patrice:end of the year. I got you, I got you?
Janet Hale:No, it's just all those. When you talked about the different stages and how we grieve different people differently and I love the grieving process is the grieving process for that person and that person alone. And when we keep that in mind, allow people their space to do whatever it is they need to do because it's their space. This grieving is for them, it's not for anyone else. Mm-hmm, it is their stuff.
Candace Patrice:Mm-hmm.
Janet Hale:And when I think of Brandon, there's a sweet spot. It's right there Like it's so spot. It's right there Like it's so sacred, it's so crazy, like I'll be like, hmm, you got that little spot right there. You know what I mean. And so for my parents there's a spot Like that's their spot.
Candace Patrice:Yeah.
Janet Hale:Period you know. So this life, this journey is so beautiful. The tears of it all, all of it.
Candace Patrice:If you're a parent who watches Bluey, well, there's a lot of emotion that go in there, and it's now to the point where my daughter looks at me at the end of each episode just to see if I got tears in my eyes. Ain't that wrong? She's so wrong, but do you ever have tears in your eyes? Almost every episode it's so good. And then she knows there's one that get me real good. She's like you want to watch the Sign. I'll be like. No, Kamari, I'm not trying to have floodgates of my eyes happening, kind of how you did me your line to Adams.
Janet Hale:Yeah, remember you used to do that to me.
Candace Patrice:Yep, I'm going to do it to you soon too. Brought it up, but if anybody is struggling in any way, shape or form and need help, you can dial 988, text 988, the suicide prevention lifeline, which is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Of course, we always tell you to find your place in space, what works for you, don't hide. Don't hide Because having community is a part of the process and there's so much to learn in community. So if there is a place, a group, a person, a number that you can call or go to to work through whatever it is, you know we try to give as many ways to work through whatever it is in all kinds of unconventional ways.
Candace Patrice:We have different stories of people who've been through things and how they've overcome using their mind, spirituality, physical things, therapists, counselors, many, many different avenues and ways to heal from whatever it is that you need healing from, which is something we try. So just knowing that you can get through whatever it is, and we encourage you to see life through, to get to that light, and it may take longer for you than it does someone else, it may be shorter for you than it is someone else but having a nonjudgmental place and space to be, knowing how sacred that is. If you have made it through some things and life is a little easier for you, be a safe place for someone else. Go ahead, mom.
Janet Hale:I think you hit it right at the end. When you see someone who is hiding, but you know that they are, let them know that you see them, because if we see something let's do something, because not everyone is able to, not everyone knows how not to hide. But if we see someone who is hiding and is able to provide a support for them, for a safe place, that's kind of what you get on For us to do that until they're able to do some of the things on their own.
Candace Patrice:Absolutely. You can follow us at Essential Motivation LLC Candice, patrice underscore EM Instagram. Essential Motivation Facebook. Essentialmotivationcom is the website, hellempowermentllccom is Janet's website and, of course, we would just love to have your feedback and thank you all so much. Always remember to love hard, forgive often and laugh frequent. Thanks, guys, bye.
Janet Hale:Bye-bye.
